Day 3-San Diego Comic-Con

I'm in line again for Hall H. Today is a huge day for many fans here. It's Doctor Who day. I'm not here for the good Doctor though. I'm here for the first panel, Fringe. We'll be heading in soon so this will be brief.

Yesterday- first up was Django Unchained. It's going to be just as good as the best Tarantino films. It's got humor, violence and even some heart. Plus Christophe Waltz!!!

Then was Jake Gyllenhaal's End of Watch. He wasn't there (Boo!) but recorded a message. I'm still unsure of this movie because of the camera techniques but the material sounds good. After that was Silent Hill 2 (officially Redemption or Revolution or Retribution or something). Apparently Sean Bean was in the first one but I had never heard of it. It's based on a scary video game and looks creepy. It has Jon Snow from Game of Thrones if that helps. He wasnt there though and sent no recorded message. The girl in it looks JUST like Michelle Williams.

After that things really got going. Warner Brothers/Legendary pictures did their huge presentation. They even revealed huge wrap around screens up front. The place went bonkers.

First was Pacific Rim with uber-film god, Guillermo Del Toro. When he's in the room you feel like you're in the presence of greatness. The footage for Pacific Rim is sick. Unfortunately we have to wait until July 2013 to see it and Del Toro is going radio silent for at least 6 months to finish it up. I'm placing all my hopes on this being the movie that knocks Avatar out of the top of the $ list.

Then was The Campaign with Will Ferrell (who I enjoy much more in person than in films) and Zach Gallifinakis. We saw a bit more footage than what's in the trailer and it's gonna be a funny film.

After that was the reveal of Effing Godzilla (not the official title). The teaser showed a demolished city and had a grim voice over. We see claws peeking out of the ground, the screen goes black and then you hear that unmistakable shriek. More destruction with a shot of feet emerging from the dust of the city and we see an angry head turns and the shriek again. I think there was more screaming then there was for Twilight. How have they been secretly filming a Godzilla movie?

Man of Steel was next and I think director Zach Snyder is making up for Sucker Punch. It looks great and damn Henry Cavill is hot.

Ugh, the line is moving before I get to The Hobbit. Um we saw some more behind the scenes footage. The cast (Martin Freeman, Richard Armitage!, Sir Ian McKellen!!!, and even Elijah Wood) came out and we got to see over 12 minutes of footage from part 1 and 2!!!!! It looks incredible. I was on such a high yesterday.

I'll really try to post more detail later.

"Checkpoint" (Buffy 5.12): Fight the Power!

As an appropriate soundtrack to this pivotal episode, might I suggest the following:

In "Checkpoint," Buffy does what feminist conscious-raising groups (and Harmony in "Pangs") call getting control of her power. And interestingly, the one DO this episode offers to that end is to dismantle, discredit, or deny the power that resides in institutions. Here are some of the traditional power structures, and powerful people, that the Slayer slays in just forty-two short minutes:

Academia: This is not the first time that college professors have taken a beating on Buffy. (*Cough* Maggie Walsh.) But remember also the pop culture (for shame!) professor who humiliates her on the first day of class in "The Freshmen." There is a deep and abiding mistrust of academics that Jenn wonders is writer-specific. In any case, this ep brings us a history professor who ridicules his student for a) remembering and integrating past material; b) suggesting that multiple perspectives are valid; and c) demonstrating intellectual curiosity.

"I got my Ph.D. in smugness. And in being a dick."

Boyfriends: Okay, *not* a traditional power structure. But significant others, especially recently (*cough* Riley), have challenged and punished Buffy for being independent and self-actualized. When Spike's "pull her pigtails on the playground" style of flirting involves needling Buffy for being left, she rightly retorts that she doesn't need a man to save her. No ma'am you don't.

They are totally one of those couples that dress alike, though.

The Watchers Council: This increasingly nefarious institution confirms its inherent douchebaggery in this episode, showing up to "check" Buffy's skills and decide if she's worthy of having the information they've dug up on Glory.

Quentin Travers. Giving tweed a bad name since season 3.

They put her through a series of physical challenges, and interview her friends like I got interviewed when my buddy joined the foreign service. Though this makes for some hilarious moments (Jenn's favorite from the nervous ex-demon Anya: "Go deadness for the demons!") is entirely inappropriate and a bit wrong-headed. What exactly is their endgame here if Buffy "fails"? Spring Faith from prison?

Giles: Not in a bad way but still. The Council blackmails Buff by threatening to have Ripper deported. She must save him (and she does, getting him reinstated as a Watcher with retroactive pay),
further cementing not only his importance to her as a mentor, but also her role as the, for lack of a better word, decider in Sunnydale.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call claiming the phallus.

All of this demolishing of institutional power resonates thematically with the Council's revelation that Glory is in fact a god, and the appearance of the Knights of Byzantium, an ancient order dedicated to her destruction, even if that means sacrificing Dawn. Though Buffy derives much of her strength communally, from her friends/family, the series remains committed to critiquing institutionalized power structures. Seems this works in the Whedonverse as a whole as well. (*Cough* Wolfram & Hart, The Alliance).

Daylight: Why Hemingway Didn't Write Horror

Yesterday being Friday the 13th, I thought it apt to scan my instant queue for a horror movie. It would probably have been more apt to work on my composition syllabus, speaking of terrifying, but we all know that's not going to happen until the first day of class is hours, not days, and certainly not weeks, away. I came across Daylight, a "psychological thriller" from 2011. My other choice was A Horrible Way to Die. I chose poorly, which should be obvious from the titles alone.

Daylight is like a Michael Haneke movie in that evil inexplicably explodes into the lives of an upper-middle-class couple (Daniel and Irene) with shocking brutality. What's missing is Haneke's ability to make that very unknowability of suffering and punishment, though graphic and stomach-churning in its intimate visitation on a handful of human bodies, indicative of the human condition. There also aren't any animal mutilations in this film, which is actually a Haneke trademark that I didn't miss. The kidnappers in Daylight are polite and even affable, even as one calmly explains that he will be slitting Daniel's throat in four seconds. That's not a spoiler--Daniel manages to convince one of his captors that his father-in-law will pay millions for the safety of himself and his very pregnant wife. They leave to arrange the ransom, leaving Irene alone with the other two kidnappers, Renny and Leo, in a country house with a rather ominous bloodstain on the wall. (Is there any other kind?)

It's in the interplay of this triangle that the movie lives and dies, pun intended. As Renny and Leo alternately bully, seduce, console, and terrorize Irene, they do the same to each other. It's like if Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick wrote a horror movie, but left out all the subtlety and strangeness that makes her theory interesting. So really, she would have done a better job. The positive reviews of this film, including one from the New York Times to which I've linked above, laud its tendency to withhold--to suggest rather than illustrate the troubled relationship between Irene and Daniel, the ambiguous and ambivalent relationship between Renny and Leo, and the motivation behind the abduction in the first place.

But the problem is, a horror movie has to either tell or show you something. It's a genre that depends upon, and I'm paraphrasing Stephen King's great "Why We Crave Horror Movies," our capacity to emotionally empathize with the emperiled characters. If you go for the Hemingway-esque compression and extraction of pathos, as writer-director David Barker seems to, it makes such a connection difficult. In fact, the conceptual rhyme of Irene's pregnancy with the threat of impending death (the tagline is "Things die . . . new things are born") also smacks of Hemingway, but again, without the depth. Basically, what I'm suggesting is a Haneke adaptation of A Farewell to Arms. You're welcome, Hollywood.

The film is beautifully shot and had violent moments so shocking that they made me gasp, but it also felt overlong at an hour and fourteen minutes. Oh well. I have it on good authority that Daylight was  better than the 1996 Sylvester Stallone movie of the same title in which he battles concrete, so at least there's that.

Day 2 of San Diego Comic-Con

I am so sleepy. My back hurts too. I'm writing this, again on Dana's iPad, as I sit in line for another panel. This is the first day that I'm alone but I make friends quickly so when I'm done typing I'll befriend the kinda cute Brit in front of me who does a killer Alec Guinness.

So yesterday...

First up in massive Hall H was Paranorman. Again I apologize for a lack of links and pics. It's just too much work for my brain at this time. Paranorman (ParaNorman maybe?). It's a stop motion movie from the folks who brought you the incredible Coraline. They've gotten even better at what they do and it shows. The time it takes for a stop motion film is insane and the patience from each animator is something I can't even comprehend. The film looks great and has a great story. Norman is an outcast kid who can see ghosts. He, along with his sister and a few others get a chance to save their town from the undead. Voiced by Kodi Smit-McPhee(from Let Me In), Anna Kendrick, McLovin, and more. This is one I won't miss.

After that was The Big Bang Theory. Johnny Galecki's flight was delayed and Jim Pasons is on stage in NYC (Harvey, which I bet he's great in). However Parsons appeared on a tv screen that they wheeled in. I had hoped they'd hang a Green Lantern shirt from it butq alas they did not. The panel was fun and had lots of laughs. They gave away a trip to space, which was pretty dang cool.

After that was The Walking Dead. We saw some footage of what Michonne can do with a sword and then Inside the prison and a bit around Woodbury. We were introduced to David Morrisey (a fave Brit actor of mine) who is playing the Governoe and his only complaint is the Georgia heat. Heh. Poor guy. Sarah Wayne Callies made no excuse or apologies for Lori's Lady Macbeth actions. Anyway they assured us that season 3 will start at the amped up level season 2 ended at. I still have no complaints about the show whatsoever so I'm not worried.

Following that was Game of Thrones. They've just started filming season 3 but George RR Martin, who moderated as usual, promised us a teaser. We got it. We got a title card and a voice over of (I think) Catelyn saying "war is just beginning" or something. That was it and it got a big laughs from the audience. We did get a recap of Season 2 and Robb, Theon, Catelyn, Danerys, and Ygritte were on the panel. They were all very cool folks. The girl who plays Ygritte (who was also Gwen on Downton) actually grew up in a castle. Martin told us a cute story about only being able to have turtles as a kid in a housing project. They lived in a plastic castle and he used to make up medieval-type stories about them. So technically GoT was first done by turtles. Fanfic writers should have a field day with that. So someone get on it.

After GoT we moved forward to get closer for the other movie panels. first up was Resident Evil:Retribution (#5!). Milla Jovovich is a goofball and completely dorky, which makes me love her more. I should be ashamed for my love of the RE movies but I'm not. I find them entertaining and this one looks as good as the others. So take that as you will. Next up was a better look at Total Recall. They were there last year but didn't have much finished footage to show. I know people get tired of remakes, reboots, etc but I didn't love the original and this is gonna be a good movie. It looks better. It's not tongue-in-cheek, which is a requirement with Ahnold movies. And I like the cast. I'm predicting now that I will love it. Then was Looper, directed by one of my faces, Rian Johnson. Its a time travel-ish movie and I was impressed. Plus, it helps that my beloved Joseph Gordon-Levitt is in it. So are Bruce Willis, Emily Blunt, and Jeff Daniels so it has to be good. We bugged out right before the Matt Damon/Jodi Foster panel for Elysium (directed by the dude who did District 13). So no pics of them :(

Wow, I've written enough. I'm gonna try and get some pics posted later.

Day 1 of San Diego Comic Con

There is a disturbing lack of swag this year. Plus the studio booths are making it really difficult to get their swag too. You have to get in line to get a ticket to then go get in line again to get a free button, pin, or poster. Boo!

We saw one of our favorite panels yesterday, Psych. I love that show for it's humor and the cast is so great. Plus they love each other and their job.

After that was a pilot and Q&A for the new CW'S reboot of Beauty and the Beast. I like the concept (Beast is a military test program gone wrong) but the pilot was trying too hard and ended up in melodramatic territory. Pretty cast tho if that helps.

Then we saw a pilot and Q&A for the American network version of an updated Sherlock Holmes. I'm incredibly satisfied with the BBC one (except that it's not on enough). I liked it a lot. Jonny Lee Miller was solid as was Lucy Liu as a female Dr. Watson. My friend Dana said it felt a lot like House but then one could argue that House is just a version of Holmes.

Later that night we went to w00tstock and freaking LeVar Burton came out and led the audience in the "Reading Rainbow" song. When I'm back on my computer I'll try to link to some other w00tstock stuff. It was pretty great.

Stay tuned for more from SDCC '12! Also I'm posting from Dana's iPad do I have no idea where those pics will go.

The Swell Season: Falling Slowly Apart

If you haven't seen the 2006 Irish musical Once, do yourself, independent cinema, the republics of Ireland and Czech and the ideal of artistic collaboration a favor and do so immediately. I'll wait. Done? Wasn't it great? Now for The Swell Season. This 2011 documentary follows the stars of Once, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, as they tour with their eponymous band on the massive wave of popularity and recognition gained by the film and the duo's Oscar win for Best Song, "Falling Slowly."

The documentary is as impressionistic and natural as the film, shot in a beautiful black and white, so footage from performances and rehearsals, interviews with Hansard's fame-obsessed mother and pathologically disappointed father (who drank himself to death before filming ended), and testimonials from fans are given as much weight as the movie's most compelling thread--the dissolution of the professional and personal relationship between Hansard and Irglova.

Though Once is a modern-day fairy tale, it seems that both the stars played versions of themselves-- Hansard is as brash and loud as his scratchy and powerful tenor, whereas Irglova's delicate harmonizing corresponds to her more subtle strength and introspective personality. While this combination once fed the couple's creative and romantic energy--as Hansard wistfully remarks when remembering co-writing the songs for Once, "it was just so easy with this girl"--The Swell Season chronicles how that very interplay turns against the two, cannibalizing their love.

Irglova begins to resist and ultimately resent the way she has to make herself available to the public, an element of touring that the extroverted Hansard clearly thrives on. And his cheerful devil-may-care approach to deadlines and schedules begins to wear on Irglova's sense of responsibility. These two don't break up the way people do in the movies, with one partner clearly wronged. They break up the way people do in real life--with heartbreaking hesitancy, a little bit of meanness, and a lot of sadness. The Swell Season is a bittersweet but beautiful companion to the magical Once. But Jesus, it's Friday and it's a gorgeous morning, and not all love stories end this way, so let's leave this post on a hopeful note, shall we?

Spider Man (maybe not "Amazing" but not bad)

Tracy and I are both out of town, away from our computers, and enjoying every minute of it. I'm doing this one from my friend's iPad so no pics or links.

Before I headed to San Diego for Comic-Con, I did manage to squeeze in a viewing of Spidey Take 2. I'm not going to write anything long and involved (I'll leave that to Tracy if she does get to see it) but I did want to throw in my 2 cents.

Let me first preface this by saying I didn't love the Tobey/Sam Raimi versions. I was beyond excited for this new reboot. I was there at Comic-Con last year when Andrew Garfield made his very impassioned speech to the crowd in Hall H. He's a great actor and i felt confident that he'd do justice to his childhood hero. I loved the director's last movie, (500) Days of Summer. And finally my love for the very talented Emma Stone knows no bounds.

Unfortunately the movie has not gotten the best reviews. I get it. There is nothing new in the script. However I did enjoy it. I was nervous about the first person camera when he's swinging around but it wasn't too bad. Actually it seemed like they only did it a few times. The effects were cool and didn't remind me of a video game (like those other Spidey movies).

The cast was good and the chemistry between Garfield and Stone was palpable. If I didn't already know they were dating I would have figured it out after seeing the movie.

I get what director Marc Webb was doing. There was a decent amount of emotion and action though I would have to say it felt like he leaned more toward the emotion stuff. But he's that kind of director. So can we really hold it against him?

I think what I liked least was villain Dr. Curt Connors/The Lizard. Rhys Ifans was meh and the effects on the giant lizard were meh too. Maybe weirdo villains are just tough to do. (Can you say Venom? How about Sandman?)

So it wasn't on the level of Nolan's Dark Knight films but I enjoyed it. I'm hoping Tracy gets to see it and has her usual intelligent stuff to say about the subject matter.

Comic-Con and Me: A History

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A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (a galaxy called Los Angeles) I decided to attend my first fan convention. It was 2004 and my friend Dana had gone to a Stargate convention near the Burbank Airport.  She really enjoyed herself there and decided she wanted to check out this convention she heard about in San Diego.  Dana called me to see if I'd go with her.  At the time I was definitely into pop culture but had not fully embraced my inner geek.  The thought of going to a comic book convention was incredibly foreign and bizarre to me.  After some urging, I hesitantly agreed to check it out.  In my mind I convinced myself I would be like an anthropologist observing another culture.  I'm guessing anthropologists have rules about becoming immersed in the cultures they're observing.  It's a good thing I'm not an anthropologist with rule because I fell in love with those nerds on the first day.

We walked around the floor and giggled at all the people in costumes.  We walked past the Sci Fi booth (not Syfy yet) and I spotted an actor I loved in Bridget Jones's Diary.  He was there pitching a reboot of a 70's science fiction show that I scoffed at and fell in love with years later.  He was just standing there, not doing much of anything so I stopped and told him how much I loved him in Bridget Jones.  He smiled, thanked me and I was on my way.

Dana and I also checked out a few panels.  Back in '04, con attendees were able to walk in and out of panels with no trouble.  I'll get to the trouble part later though.  We went to see the pilot and discussion of ABC's new science fiction show.  We were thoroughly impressed and sitting way up close to the stage where the actors and producers were after the pilot aired.  Nowadays you'd have to promise someone special favors to get those kinds of seats but I'll get to that soon too.  Once the fans started grilling the short guy about the incredibly huge movie he was in, we left the room.  Speaking of the short guy, I ran into him at LAX after the con and told him how cool that new ABC show looked and was proud of myself for not going on about the movie with the short guys, the wizard and the elves.  Turns out the poor guy had a bluetooth in the ear I couldn't see so I was totally interrupting his phone conversation.  He was incredibly sweet about it though.  Good guy.  I can totally understand why the cute brunette on the show dated him for so long.

So that was 2004 for us.  It was one day.  It was a cool experience and I wanted to do it again.  Unfortunately for me I moved to South Carolina in June of 2005 and had no money to go back to California for it.  I didn't have the money in 2006 either.  Actually I don't think I had the money for it in 2007 but I was missing California and the geeks so I went again.  Man was it different.

So 2007, for me, was great but eye-opening.  The masses were finally hearing that it was a cool place to be. The studios were getting that message too and they brought out the big guns (both movies and tv shows).  The big stand-out for us in 2007 was the pilot and panel for NBC's new spy-out-of-water show, Chuck.  I can honestly say that I feel blessed having been in the audience for that panel.  The entire room LOVED that show.  We cheered uproariously for the stars as they took the stage after the pilot aired.  Ok, so a minor geek god happened to be there and he got the biggest applause because most of the room were fans of his short-lived, but incredibly loved show.  Dana and I felt like we had struck gold again.  First we were blessed with the Lost pilot and now we were experiencing another show we were definitely going to love.  Con was proving to be the place where pop culture enthusiasts went to feed their habit.

Walking the convention floor in 2007 was horrible.  It was packed.  Plus there were way too many Captain Jack Sparrow costumes around.  In fact it's still a really popular costume.  We could barely navigate the masses and it was a problem.  Gone were the minor stars hanging around the network booths.  We knew then that Comic-Con would never be the same.  That was also the first time I didn't want to go back.  It happens to me all the time now.  During the Con I manage to convince myself that I don't want to come back.  There's no reason to because you can see most everything online anyway.  Then a month or two go by and I want to go back.

Learn to love the line.  The line is unavoidable.

Since 2007 I've been three other times, in 2009, 2010 and 2011.  Wow, this will be my 6th trip.  Dana and I are pros now.  We get into line very early (usually before the sun comes up). Getting into the rooms where the panels are held are incredibly difficult now.  In years past you could leave one room a bit early and wander into another room a few minutes late.  Not now.  Now you have to pick a room and commit to it all day long. We take turns with our line buddies (it's important to make friends in line for so many reasons) to go down to the floor in off hours.  If you go to the floor on Sunday afternoon, just as Con is wrapping up, you're miserable.  It's packed with people with strollers (how I hate people in cramped areas with strollers) and it's awful.  We go to the fulfillment room as soon as possible to have the best chance of getting free t-shirts in our actual sizes.  We know how to pack for the day (grabbing fruit, cereal boxes and bagels from your hotel's continental breakfast bar is a must).  Plus now we go to things outside of the con like w00tstock and the Nerdist live podcast.  Shows like that really round out the full con experience.  There are so many other things to do too.  For example, this year there's a zombie obstacle course, which sounds hilarious.

Stay tuned for some updates from Con next week.  I'll try and post stuff every evening of what I've seen.

"We Were Here" Will Make You Proud to be an American

In a recent editorial,  Leonard Pitts argues that in order for America to be a great nation, and for Americans to be great, there must be a common cause around which we must unite ourselves. He cites the Revolutionary War, the Civil War and Reconstruction, and World War II. David Weissman's 2011 documentary about the early years of the AIDS crisis in San Francisco, We Were Here, powerfully and movingly makes the case that this sort of mission and purpose can be not only provoked by warfare, but also by attacks much more intimate--disease and loss.

The film takes the form of an oral history, interviewing four men--a political activist, a volunteer to the sick, an infected artist, a longtime merchant in the Castro--and one woman, a nurse, about their experiences during the late 70s to early 90s, when AIDS was termed "gay cancer" and no one knew what caused it, how you caught it, or how to treat it. What makes these five individuals remarkable is the way, like firefighters, they ran towards the catastrophe, not away from it. As they calmly and lovingly narrate the of losses each one of them witnessed and suffered, poignantly and staggeringly illustrated on the macro level by visuals of the scores of young mens' obituaries, and on the micro by chilling before and after photographs of healthy bodies reduced to skeletons, the strength and resilience of these remarkable people is shown, not told.

The response of the San Francisco community captured by the film belies the heteronormative and homophobic argument, current at the time and sadly still extant, that characterizes gay men as narcissistic hedonists. Many of the infected, marginalized by their own families and their country, found themselves desperately ill and largely alone. What We Were Here demonstrates, through its title and the stories of the representative figures interviewed, is that San Franciscans gay and straight, male and female, white and of color, became a supportive family to men who had none, even when all they could do was help the sick to die. They cared for each other and buried each other with tenderness, humor, and love.

We Were Here also offers an informative look at the development of groundbreaking therapies and the political activism that has nearly transformed HIV/AIDS into a chronic condition rather than a death sentence. But it also serves as a primer on how to mourn the unspeakable, and how to recover from the apocalypse. It's a moving and welcome reminder that sometimes, America is home to the staggeringly brave.

The Bachelorette: Everybody act normal

Or don't. This week brings the notorious "hometown visits" where family members of Bachelorette contestants who have not decided to go on love journeys pretend that it's totes normal their son/brother is contemplating marrying Nascar Barbie.

Comes with removable bouquet. And engagement ring.

The Wake Me When You Leave Chicago Rose: First up is Chris the Rage Machine, who we last saw as a quivering, red-eyed, semi-coherent mess. He's pulled it together to introduce Emily to his family in Chicago . . . and I miss the anger. He's boring, his family is boring, and he manages to make Chicago boring. His declaration of love and Polish dancing at the end does not salvage the snooze-fest.

Even his outfit is boring.

The "Is That a Rifle in Your Pocket?" Rose: Jef. In further evidence that Emily does not use language the way we humans do, she opens the hometown visit with Jef by talking about how much she likes his "edge." Honey, weird hair and a propensity to skateboard does not an edge make.

Pictured: The edgiest guy in Springfield

When arriving on his family's ranch in St. George, Utah, Jef immediately tries to bolster his masculinity to the level demonstrated by the Rage Machine, the race car driver, and the hulking man-beast by taking Em ATV-ing and shooting.

For all you bachelors out there: Tell your date not to wear a floofy skirt if you'll be taking her ATV-ing.

As previously disclosed, Jef's parents are "too busy" in South Carolina to come meet the Gentile, so she instead is faced with five brothers and sisters and approximately three dozen children. The (alcohol-free) lunch goes pretty well, with everyone asking Emily if she "shares the same values" as Jef, and if her life is "based on sound principles" that she would share with future kids. Basically, making sure that she realizes she's at a ranch in St. George, Utah, with a bunch of blonde siblings. Jef also said I love you, by and through reading an incredibly long letter.

You know what this declaration of love needs? Puppets.

The Eurotrash Rose: My boy Arie. Turns out his father won the Indy 500 in the 90s. Damn. Also turns out his mother is some sort of Dutch megabitch ice queen. Sweet. Let's get this dinner started.

After a metaphorically resonant picnic, of course.

After meeting his three siblings, who will say not one word the rest of the night, Arie and his parents speak Dutch as Emily looks equal parts confused and terrified. The Dutch megabitch ice queen then damns her with faint praise, deeming her "nice" and "pretty," and Indy Champ Dad mentions he likes her Southern accent. Ouch.

She also conducts her interview on a bed, whilst swilling wine. Just to fuck with her.

The Jenny Commemorative "Your Dog is Awesome, You? Eh" Rose: Frankensean, who looks more muscle-bound and terrifying with each episode. Those of you who remember Ali's season might recall Chris, who had his mother's signature tattooed on his ribcage and had an awesome dog named Jenny, who was really superior to Ali in every way. This time around, Sean's dogs, which he somewhat resembles, were the highlight of the hometown. The rest of the visit to Texas involved an elaborate and bizarre prank in which the family pretended Sean lived at home in a room filled with stuffed animals, and served steamed armadillo. It was hella strange.

"ARRR. Fire bad!"

In a move that surprised no one except, apparently, Chris, Emily sent him packing, activating his inner prosecuting attorney.

Yeah, she doesn't like you when you're angry. Or any other time, apparently.

After grilling her to account for her decision (hint: you're BORING), he rides off into a rage-filled sunset, and the rest of the crew head to the Caribbean for the last three episodes of this charade. And you know that can only mean one thing: It's effing fantasy suite time.

We're obviously using the word "fantasy" loosely.