SAFE HAVEN: The Growing Anti-Institutionalist Villainy of Nicholas Sparks

Ah, the sweet sting of being a fan of Nicholas Sparks adaptations. You know there's a formula. You YEARN for the formula, and yet, you can't help turning a critical eye on the way each film tweaks the essential Sparkiness of rain-drenched, Carolina-tinged romance. Such was the case with Safe Haven (McStreaming!). We've got the beachy setting, we've got the painfully obvious objective correlatives ("New Start" paint primer anyone?) and we've got the script-crossed lovers, but what has changed is the nature of the obstacle between the two Abercrombie and Fitched B-list paramours: the patented Sparks obstacle (Sparkstacle?) that threatens to interrupt and dismantle the happily-ever-after of the film. If you actually care about such things, spoilers follow.


Films based on Sparks' "novels" always feature a cosmically-tinged "bad guy"--a force that plays the villain of the melodrama. In silent films he was the easily recognizable stock villain. In the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, this trope would take the face of Snidely Whiplash, strapping the heroine to the railroad tracks of certain doom. And in most of the Sparks adaptations, this incarnation of evil was just as uncomplicated, and just as unstoppable as that train. Former films feature villains such as CANCER (A Walk to Remember, The Last Song), or ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE/DEMENTIA (The Notebook), or TOO MUCH WATER (Message in a Bottle, Nights in Rodanthe). But lately in Sparksland, the bad guy is much less random, and much more human.

Both The Lucky One (2012) and Safe Haven (2013) place villainy in the character of a police officer. The Lucky One pits Zac Efron (a, crucially *retired* Marine) against a local sheriff deputy who is the former husband of the film's female love interest, relatively unfamous Taylor Schilling. Safe Haven takes the idea of the somewhat ominous local cop and raises it to Sleeping with the Enemy levels, giving heroine Julianne Hough a not-quite-ex-husband who is an alcoholic and abusive Chicago P.D. detective framing her for murder and hunting her down after she escapes his clutches and finds herself in an idyllic oceanside North Carolina complete with Josh Duhamel healing powers.

On the one hand, I can see this development as positive. Though Sparks is undoubtedly, creepily, conservative, it might be progressive to read this new, more localized and embodied source of evil as a critique of the institutionalization of power. Both The Lucky One and Safe Haven show how dangerous men manipulate existing power structures (the justice system) to further their own toxic domination. The conservatism of the small towns Sparks lauds then becomes a corrective to modernist demonstrations of power, and calls for a (nostalgic) return to interpersonal values.

However, then I think more, probably more than anyone should ever think about a Nicholas Sparks film, and fear that making abusive ex-husbands the villain takes the power (and the blame) away from random fate, and places it squarely in the hands of the female heroines. Both Schilling and Hough chose these men, and are rescued from them by the new, better male heroes (Efron and Duhamel). Sparks has introduced human culpability into the equation, and situated it squarely on the woman's shoulders. It's like the damsel in distress refused to block Snidely Whiplash on Snapchat.

Though it's never acceptable, fair, or remotely logical to blame the victims of domestic abuse for the crimes of their partners, Sparks' replacement of random acts of nature with former romantic partners seems a particularly ominous turn. If anyone other than me can bear it, we'll see what happens with The Best of Me next year.

Liveblogging The Bachelor: First Dates

So despite our fondest wishes, Bachelor Sean didn't just propose to someone last week on the first night and get this all over with. Though he was handing out roses like Christmas candy. So I suppose we must continue the charade. I remember none of the women, and honestly barely remember Sean, so let's get reacquainted with the vapid narcissists, shall we?

7:00 A recap of the weeping and posturing from last week, and a preview of the "dating' (i.e., bungee jumping, making out, and catfighting) to come tonight.

7:01 We open with Sean working out and showering. Ew. Then Chris Harrison, wearing a quite unflattering shirt and ill-fitting jeans, assures the ladies that one of them will soon be engaged to Sean. Thanks for that, Chris. He hands out the date cards, and helpfully suggests they "wrestle" over them. Sarah, who I feel bad for calling the girl with one arm, has the first one-on-one date. AND . . . we have the first helicopter of the season. Drink!

7:03: Kacie, who you might remember from Ben's season, feigns surprise that there is a helicopter, as if she's never been on The Bachelor before.

7:05 Sarah deems this experience (i.e., riding in a helicopter with a man she barely knows) "the biggest dream of her life come true." That's a shame.

7:09 Okay, so he's going to make the one-armed girl free fall off a three-hundred foot building. How . . . romantic? Why do they always make these people jump mindlessly into open space? Is it indicative of a suicidal death wish inherent in The Bahcelor project itself? Is this Freud's death drive in reality TV action?

7:11 Sarah has no emotional inflection in her voice. It's annoying. Sean's all "Sarah's freaking out," but I see no evidence of that.

7:13 They jump. They don't die. They drink.

7:19 Sarah shares a boring story about going to Vegas and being unable to zip line because of her arm. The director helpfully cuts to her arm. Sean's eyes are glazing over. It all ends with Sean pledging to protect her. At least until around week 3, I'm guessing.

7:22 We've got an enormous group date on the docket. Tierra establishes herself as The Bitch on the show by trotting out the old sawhorse, "I'm not here to make friends."

7: 24 Sean and Sarah are back on a rooftop. Is he going to make her jump off again? No. He's giving her a rose. Sean shares that it's been a long time since he's "connected with someone like this" on a first date. Really? I don't think he said five words in a row.

7:29 Ugh. These group dates are so awkward. Especially when it's The Bachelor--it's like Orpheus and the Maenads. Some of these girls don't appear to be wearing pants at all. The "date" is much like one many of us have had before--a cover shoot for Harlequin Romance.

7:34 The first group are posing for a cowboy-themed romance novel. The horse looks as bored as I am. Some girl (Lesley maybe?) kissed Sean and the rest of the girls are pissed. They vow to up the ante. This could conceivably become a porn shoot.

7:39 I went to feed the cat. Looks like the model won the challenge, and now, naturally, it's time for a pool party.

7:43 I'm expecting the claws to come out at the pool party. In an extremely poorly-lit room, Sean asks Lesley why she's there. Lesley says for love. Apparently not for kissing, since they don't manage to make that happen despite high-school-esque body language fails. As an aside, you know what I don't like about Sean? His blonde eyebrows.

7:46 Lesley, crippled by regret, gives it another try. This time, they connect, kiss-wise. Great. Whatever.

7:48 Kacie from Before accounts for her decision to submit herself to this charade yet again. Sean agrees to move her from the "Friend Zone." There's a relief. It's also sort of funny how the other girls ask Kacie about the details of the show--like, "when does he hand out the rose?" Because she knows. Because she was rejected before.

7:53 Catherine drops the line "I'm vegan but I love the beef," which is apparently the funniest thing Sean has ever heard. As he chats, the other girls decide they hate Tierra (which is what she wants) and Kate (the yoga instructor who looks like she could not be less into this).

7:57 Inexplicably, there are still girls left at the house. Some girl named Desiree is going on the next one-on one. Meanwhile, back at the pool party with no visible pool, the rose has still not been handed out.

7:59 Kacie, in a sly move, basically talks Katie out of staying on the show. She has been on this show before. And it WORKS. Katie is gone and gone. Man, watch out for Kacie. Who's she going to eliminate next?

8:01 Sean is finally fondling the rose. He's handing it out to Kacie for having the "courage" to do this twice. Kacie is One to Watch. Damn. She turned her previous rejection into a rose, and single-handedly narrowed the field.

8:06 So apparently Chris and Sean are going to punk Desiree. Again I say, that's so . . . romantic? they set up a fake art exhibit, rigged one of the fake pieces to smash, and blame her. I never thought the free fall date would be the most normal, but there we have it.

8:09 This is allegedly to find out if Desiree "has a sense of humor" and "can take a joke." I think what we're really going to find out that "Sean is a sadist."

8:10 As an aside, it's hilarious to see what Bachelor producers think contemporary art/artists look like. And the fake piece that's going to explode is called "Poulet et petit," which, though my French is rusty, I believe means "the chicken and the small." And no one mentions that.

8:11 According to the fake gallery owner, the small chicken art is supposed to be the artist's response to "the Chernobyl disaster." You canNOT make this stuff up.

8:12 Okay, so the chicken thing falls off the wall, when Desiree is nowhere near it. How is she supposed to think this is her fault? Worst prank ever.

8:13 The fake "artist," who looks like a homeless Colin Ferrell, is about to go Method and slap Desiree for ruining his art. I think the only person who we're pretty sure doesn't have a sense of humor is Sean. He reveals that everyone is actors. This is the Worst Date Ever.

8:19 Sean cooks meat and an enormous stalk of broccoli, so all is forgiven. I think Desiree secretly wishes she went home with Homeless Colin Ferrell.

8:21 Sean and Desiree bond on how their parents are "exactly alike." That's kind of a genetically uncertain road to go down, kids.

8:25 So that seems like a success. Apparently Desiree has all the qualities of his future wife. Isn't into art-lovers or French-speakers, apparently.

8:30 Time for the Cocktail Party of Doom. I hope somebody cries!

8:32 Sean pulls aside Wedding Dress Girl, who got no date this week. She shares that her father is a general, which is "wild" and "awesome." She also predicts that "beauty fades." Sean threatens to "lose his hair" and "get fat." Lindsey sees his lose his hair and get fat. Sean is smitten.

8:35 There's a new girl to hate on the radar! Amanda is sitting on the couch, scowling, and refusing to speak. That's a novel approach.

8:36 "Tonight is a tornado of negativity waiting to happen" says random girl whose name I don't know. From your mouth to God's ear.

8:40 Much like last night's (excellent) season 2 premiere of Girls, Robin calls attention to the fact that there has been much criticism of The Bachelor for not being culturally diverse, and that this season seems to be consciously addressing that. She asks him, basically, if he's attracted to African American girls. Sean responds that he has dated Hispanics and Persians. Robin is satisfied.

8:44 And we have our first accusation that Amanda "isn't here for the right reasons." Drink!

8:45 Amanda transforms into Dr. Jekyll once Sean pulls her aside for a chat. The girls fume, and vow to expose her true colors to Sean. Desiree looks like she's on the verge of tears at Amanda's deception. Chris intercedes before the girls can expose her duplicity with the announcement that it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Which two are going to get axed?

8:51 God, rose ceremonies are long and boring in these first few weeks. It's always fun to look for the girl that I'm certain I've never seen before and has just walked in off the street, though.

8:55 So Amanda Who Everyone Hates got the last rose, and two girls who were "ready for love" get dismissed. OH! One of them is the woman with two kids.

8:58 Next time . . . (when I will be in New York so you Bachelor fans are on your own for a week), we have more making out, more back-stabbing, and what looks like some sort of assault that puts someone (looks like Tierra) in a neck brace. I'll see you in a couple weeks!

Liveblogging The Bachelor

Has your television viewing experience felt a little bereft of cocktail parties and rose ceremonies lately? Well, Sean the Frankenbachelor is here to satisfy your guilty pleasure/hate watching needs.

Yeah. They picked this guy.

You might remember Sean as the dude who got dumped by Emily last season. Or possibly not. But either way, he and his pecs are meeting twenty-five emotionally stunted and cognitively challenged ladies who are almost certainly lying about their age, all vying to be the girl who will share a People magazine cover with him six months from now, detailing their break-up. Want to get in on the ground floor of this train wreck? Let's liveblog, shall we?

6:56 My wine is poured, my loins are girded, and my snark is engaged. Which I'm guessing Sean won't be for long after the conclusion of this ill-begotten reality show. But still, I watch. And I self-loathe.

6:58 The previews. We have kissing, the first mention of "fairy tale" (drink!) and lots and lots of heavy eye make-up.

6:59 Sean is bitching about being dumped by Emily. Cry me a river, S. Looks like you dodged a bullet with that one. And in the preview, the girls are crying and fighting, and referencing "dark forces" in the house. AWESOME. Is Voldemort one of the contestants?

7:00 Girls are getting carried off on stretchers and calling each other "plagues." This could be a really good season.

7:03 Overlong and boring recap (is there any other kind?) of Emily's Bachelorette season.

7:04 God has another plan for Sean. I don't think any god would be so cruel as to make an appearance on *this* show part of any beloved believer's plan.

7:12 Ari, a fellow loser from Emily's season, is hanging out with Sean, wearing possibly the ugliest shirt I've ever seen. They call each other "dude" a lot and Ari dispenses with kissing advice after Sean practices his "Will you accept this rose" line on him and they make jokes about spending a night together in the Fantasy Suite. Isn't this supposed to be a dating show? Or are they into each other? That would be rad, actually.

7:17 After the break, we finally get to meet the women. Though I suspect I'll soon be nostalgic for these moments before they showed up.

7:18 First online dating commercial. Drink!

7:22 Sean is dressed like "Mr. Bland" from Reservoir Dogs to meet the chicks. Chris Harrison, who you might remember got divorced during the course of the last season, thereby proving the Bachelor toxicity spreads like a zombie virus, destined to infect us all.

7:24 Boring "meet the bitches" segment. I'm going to go get some Fritos and cheese dip.

7:25 It's kind of funny to see these girls pretend they know who the interviewer is talking about when they say "the Bachelor is Sean."

7:28 There is one girl who has two kids and one girl with one arm. And another one who is basing her strategy on her favorite novel, Fifty Shades of Grey, and articulates a hope that Sean will pull off her clothes and spank her. And someone who spells her name AshLee. So this is happening.

7:31 Crap. There's a model. I think we all remember the last model we had on this show.

Yeah. Her.

7:38 Here comes the first limo. God help us all. First up is AshLee, who, judging by her interview, cries. A lot. And a cosmetics consultant. What does that even mean? Ah--it means she puts on lipstick and plants one right on Sean's cheek. Which he doesn't care to wipe off. Charming. But the next chick up pulls a handkerchief out of her cleavage and takes care of it. Again I say, charming.

7:40 Boring, boring, boring. Girl with a secret handshake. Boring boring boring. Time for limo 2.

7:42 Someone from Nashville with unevenly curled hair is singing a sort of embarrassing song about the two of them. But her hair is put into perspective by Katie, the yoga instructor, whose hair has unfortunately exploded. Maybe they can both consult with Other Ashlee, the Fifty Shades fan and hairdresser. She pulls a tie out of her cleavage, and asks Sean to teach her how to "use it" later. Sean looks equal parts confused and terrified.

7:44 Sean is now thanking girls "for coming." I think he's having a stroke. Out of limo 3 comes a girl doing backflips who totally face plants. Well played. Oh God, a graduate student. Followed by a Jumbotron Operator! Now there's something you don't see every day. And a girl from Denver--holla! Faced with Tierra from Colorado, Sean has now left the premises. That must be some kind of record.

7:52 And in what will be the first in what I'm sure will be a series of bad decisions, Sean decides to give Tierra a rose, based solely on the fact that she's wearing a ring with a heart on it. As you might imagine, this makes the other girls just love her.

7:54 Limo 3 must be where they put all the boring girls. I mean, pennies to throw in the fountain? Let's have our awkward pause now so we won't have it later? Please. This is The Bachelor, ladies. Bring your psycho A game. Here comes limo 4. I have high hopes. . .

7:57 That are so far going unrealized. The most interesting thing about these girls is how they managed to dress inappropriately for an event that I thought impossible to dress inappropriately for.

7:58 Lesley brought a football. For apparently no reason, as she just gave it to Sean and didn't throw it or anything.

7:59 A girl in limo 5 threatens to "pee her pants," which is promising. It's the model from Wisconsin. Eh. Now we have a DEAD RINGER for Whitley from A Different World! And a girl who threatens to visit mafia violence upon Sean if he doesn't pick her. There's a novel approach. And, last but not least, we have the girl from the previews who showed up in a wedding dress. She calls herself a "prankster." Methinks she's a leading contender for the "restraining order" rose.

8:02 A surprise contestant! The only inhabitant of limo 6 is . . .  to be revealed after the break. Will it be Emily? Will it be Chris's ex-wife? The suspense is killing me!

8:06 It's . . . someone I don't recognize at all. Who is that? Why is no one telling me who she is? Everyone is acting like I should. I feel like I've taken crazy pills! Is she from Bachelor Pad? Ah--my mother has solved the mystery. She was on Bachelor Ben's season, and her crazy fundamentalist parents ix-nayed the en-Bay. Apparently they were totally cool with the drunken hedonism that is The Bachelor Pad, but whatever.

8:10 Sean gives some b.s. toast about being open-minded or whatever. Forget that. Let the drama begin!

8:12 The wedding dress designer admits to not ever watching Sean on The Bachelor. Sean, naturally, responds by giving her a rose. He is nuts with these roses. I don't think he gets how the show works. It's not like the soccer tournaments where everybody gets a trophy for trying.

8:20 Ah--so Sean is eschewing the rose "ceremony" and just handing them out as he goes along. This seems a shaky strategy, as maybe he should talk to all of them first? But what do I know? Sean knows that he's not into Whitley. Who does sort of talk like her jaw is wired together, so maybe that's a turn-off.

8:22 Wedding dress girl is wasted and worried he didn't "get" the wedding dress "joke." Now she's making him dance and sing. This is officially the first meltdown of the evening. Surprisingly, no rose for her.

8:25 The show is now threateningly to go NC-17 with Fifty Shades oddly dancing and muttering in the background while Sean talks to another girl, and promising to try out some BDSM action at the first cocktail party. Sean informs her he's brought a rape whistle. She's also way drunk, but since she's not in a wedding dress, he's sort of into it.

8:31 One girl is refusing to "compete." She strikes me as a girl who will be going home later. This is, after all, a competition. Apparently, she has no problem with crying, though. 

8:34 The Bachelor is like a social Darwinist's wet dream.That is, if you define "evolution" as "survival of the dumbest and bitchiest."

8:36 Sarah with one arm is explaining about how she has one arm. And she's doing it in a remarkably mature and honest way. So there's no way she's going to last long on this show, which doesn't value such qualities.

8:43 First Rose Ceremony! How many could he possibly have at this point? Two? I hope some of the drunker girls pass out.

8:44 Now comes the part of the show when a bunch of girls whose names I have not bothered to learn get rose, aka, the part of the show where I play around on Facebook.

8:48 Drunk girl in wedding dress = in. Whitley, random blonde girl #1, random blonde girl #2, Bachelor Pad alumna/Jumbotron operator, girl with horrible fake tan who sang = out.

8:51 First mention of "love journey." Drink!

8:56 Highlights. Using the term loosely. We've got bungee jumping and helicopters and musical guests of questionable quality. We've got beaches and mountains and making out. We've got cat fights and and accusations that someone has a boyfriend and is not there "for the right reasons." And . . . roller derby? Neck braces? And crying. Lots and lots of crying. Join me on this love journey, won't you?

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Day 12 Finally!

"On the twelfth day of Christmas my TV gave to meeee...Summer Glau as an elf!"

This was tough, the whole having to post every day thing.  I didn't save the best for last but Hallmark's Help for the Holidays was decent.  Sure, it was as predictable as all the rest but Summer Glau just makes things better.

So the story is this: Glau plays one of Santa's elves and is sent (by the big guy himself) to help a family who has lost their Christmas spirit.  This is perplexing because the mom and dad own a store where they sell Christmas stuff.  There's some other part of it where Christine Prancer (her non-North Pole name) falls for the brother of the mom she's trying to help.  However if she falls in love with him then she faces dire consequences upon return to the North Pole. 

Will the family find their Christmas spirit again?  Will Christine choose love over toy-making?  Could Summer Glau be any cuter?  I can't really answer the first two questions because I didn't finish the movie.  Oops.  It's Christmas Eve and I had stuff to do, family to see and a dinner to eat.  But I can answer the third question and the correct response is "No.  She cannot be any cuter."  I will be finishing the movie eventually but I'm guessing that it will all end well.  And on that note...

Happy Christmas!  Happy (belated) Hannukah!  Happy (belated) Festivus!  Happy (early) Kwanzaa!

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Day 11

"On the 11th day of Christmas, my TV gave to meeee...The Mistle-Tones!"

For some reason I'm terribly ashamed of myself for actually liking this movie.  ABC Family delivered with The Mistle-Tones this year.  Ok, it was totally cheesy, not terribly well-acted, and I'm pretty sure not too many people were doing their own singing (with the possible exception of Tia Mowry and the male lead, Jonathan Patrick Moore).  Sure, Tori Spelling was in it but it was a goofy role and she cheesed it up just right.  The performance-y songs were way too Glee-esque but it was still fun to watch.

So the story is this: Tia Mowry's "Holly" (of course) is obsessed with being part of a singing group, the Snow Belles, that performs at the local mall on Christmas Eve.  Her mom was an original Belle and it's always been Holly's dream to follow in her since-passed mom's footsteps.  She auditions and is fantastic but the Belle's leader, Marci (played by Spelling) doesn't want to be outshined, so Holly doesn't get in.  Instead she convinces the manager of the mall to hold a competition because why should the Snow Belles get to be the center of attention every year.  In another plot line, Holly falls for her boss "Nick" (of course), played by Aussie cutie, Moore.  Of course there's some deal with him getting a promotion and moving to the company's office in India.  I guess that even love gets outsourced.  Sorry.

Yes, it all works out in the end.  Yes, it's corny as heck.  Yes, there is a massive amount of obvious lip-synching.  But it was still fun and I would watch this one again. 

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Day 10

"On the 10th day of Christmas, my TV gave to meeee...NICK FREAKING ZANO!!!"

Thanks to ABC Family's Desperately Seeking Santa, I got to see my obsession, Nick Zano, in a cheesy Christmas TV movie.  It was a Christmas miracle, I tell ya!  Also...it wasn't awful!  It wasn't great but it wasn't awful.  How could it be when this guy is in this hat?

 

 Plus he dances!!!

Ok, the dancing and original music was not good.  But the rest of it was pretty good so I excused the dancing and the music.  There was some bad acting but the two leads, the aforementioned Zanooooohh and Laura Vandervoort, did just fine. Actually the story was pretty dang weak too.  Ugh.

The story is this:  Mall manager Jennifer (Vandervoort) needs to boost her sales numbers or her mall will get shut down and she won't get a big promotion.  Isn't that always the way?!?!  She decides to have a search for a sexy Santa instead of the same old, big belly, bearded type.  Because the holidays are all about competition!  But it's ok...Zano shows up and wins the competition.  Zano's character, David, works at the family restaurant but is also studying to be an EMT and then a doctor.  David's dad thinks he should be focused more on school and less on being a sexy, dancing Santa.  David entered the competition for the prize money, which he uses to hire a lawyer to help the family fight some big development that is going to buy up the whole neighborhood for some new building.  Convoluted?  Yes.  But who cares?!?! 

ZANO:

Dancing Zano!!!

She's pretty too, I guess:

She has the best eyebrows!

So, naturally, it all works out.  Jennifer is offered the promotion but passes on it in order to save her mall from closing as well as saving the neighborhood where David's family's restaurant is.  The plot actually happens in the last half of the movie and it's a blink and you'll miss it situation so don't even bother looking for it.  I mean, all I want for Christmas is you:

Oops! How did this get in here?!?!

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Day 9

"On the 9th day of Christmas, my TV gave to me...a real tearjerker."

My mother forced me, not by gunpoint but by guilt and manipulation ('cause that's what the holidays are all about), to watch Liftetime's The Christmas Hope.  Hope is the third in a series of overly-sentimental tearjerkers based on novels written by one Donna Van Liere.  It's my impression that she sees Nicholas Sparks's movies as happy-go-lucky fare.  With Sparks you usually get one dying character.  With Van Liere's, it seems as though you get three or four. 

The series started with The Christmas Shoes, starring Rob Lowe.  The second, The Christmas Blessing starred Neil Patrick Harris.  The series ended with The Christmas Hope starring Madeline Stowe, pre-Revenge.  My mother informed me that it took her three hankies to get through Hope.  I love me a good tearjerker and even though I could predict the tears, I still succumbed. 

The story is this: well...let's see...there's a little girl whose mother gets hit by a car and dies just days before Christmas.  There's a sick baby who was abandoned by her meth-head mother and never gets adopted by the end of the movie.  There's a grieving couple on the edge of divorce following the loss of their son, also death by car accident, two years earlier.  There's a doctor and his wife who are expecting a baby but they're happy because their heartbreak happened the movie previous.  Um, there's an angry kid who hates when people see potential in him.  Um, I'm sure someone had a bad hangnail or a flat tire too.  But guess what?!?! Yup, you guessed it.  It all works out in the end (except for the poor, sick, abandoned baby).  I mean, the dead mother doesn't come back to life or anything but the little girl gets a new family.  The couple is able to fix their marriage and love a kid.  The angry kid gets a free trip to California where more people can see his potential.  And I'm guessing the hangnail went away too.

Maybe I'm being mean.  This one was good.  I hadn't seen the prequels but I knew enough about how they linked to appreciate it.  Stowe was great but she always is.  The little girl could have been obnoxious but wasn't too bad.  The writing, though predictable, was fine.  So overall it was worth a watch.

So if you want a real cry-fest...watch all three.  They will tear your heart out and sing some Christmas carols while stomping on it.  You'll love it.

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Day 8

"On the eight day of Christmas my TV gave to meeee...a ripoff of Sliding Dooooors."

Lifetime's All About Christmas Eve was an attempt at showing the two roads one's life could travel if timing, mere seconds really, made all the difference.  Sliding Doors, one of the few films of Gwynnie's that I loved, did it right.  All About Christmas Eve did it poorly. 

The movie stars the lesser of the Duffs, Haylie, a dude from Laguna Beach: The Real OC, and a dude from The O.C. (aka the fake Laguna Beach).  Throw in a performance from real-life American Idol couple, Diana DeGarmo and Ace Young and you have our movie.

Haylie Duff stars as Eve (get it?!?!), an ambitious party planner whose life goes down two different paths, one focused on career and one focused on finding oneself.  When I say it's a Sliding Doors ripoff I'm not exaggerating.  One of her selves misses a train and ends up at home to find her jobless live-in boyfriend in bed with some girl.  The other self makes the train and advances her career and meets a less-cheaty guy. I'd get into more of the story but it's really not worth it.  Suffice it to say, things work out in the end and she winds up with a fully realized self and the less-cheaty guy.

Listen, it's not good.  It's so bad that The Soup picked up on it.  Someone worked really hard on writing original music for it and that was bad too.  The writing is terrible.  It's not at all believable and I could go on and on.  It's a shame too because, for whatever reason, I find myself rooting for Haylie Duff.  I want better for her.  This was not it. 

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Day 7 (getting in under the wire)

"On the 7th day of Christmas, my tv gave to me...a singing competition."

Natasha Henstridge, she of the other Species, stars in Hallmark's Christmas Song.  It was ok.  It was cheesy as heck and I had some major issues with some of the singing voices but, like I said, it was ok. 

So the story is this: Two private schools, one for boys and one for girls, have combined and now there are two music programs.  The girls have Miss Deason (Henstridge) who teaches them with a more classical approach.  The boys have Mr. Stoddard (played by Gabriel Hogan [son of Michael Hogan, aka Col Tigh from BSG]) who teaches with a more current flair.  The school can only afford one music program so it's up to the teachers and a few chosen students to compete in a local singing competition.  Whichever teacher's team wins gets to keep their job.  Woo!  Each teacher recruits kids with stories (popular wrestling boy and wheelchair boy; popular, spoiled girl and shy girl) and lessons will soon be learned.  In the meantime Miss Deason and Mr. Stoddard keep getting set up by an online dating service even though they are sure it's a mistake.

Will one of the teachers lose their job?  Will Miss Deason and Mr. Stoddard fall in love even though they're competing?  Will shy girl get over her shyness?  Will anyone ever actually care that these movies are so terribly predictable?  Will a Christmas go by when I don't insist on watching these cheesy movies?

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Day 6

"On the sixth day of Christmas my TV gave to meeee...Hallmark's The Wishing Treeeee."

Everyone's favorite Iron Eagle, Jason Gedrick, stars as Evan, a quirky English teacher at a boarding school whose job is on the line.  Oh and he's a widower.  And he gets stuck taking care of the school's orphan kids, the ones who had nowhere to go for Christmas.  One of those kids is a spoiled rich boy whose parents are too busy getting divorced to spend any time with him.  One kid is a poor girl from the west coast who can't afford to go home.  The third and final kid is a nerdy guy who wants to get extra work done or something.

There's also a very pretty and kind of pushy lady teacher, Clarissa, who has her eye on the widowed (widowered?) Evan.  He's still having dreams of his dead wife so there doesn't seem to be much room for Clarissa.  Especially because poor Evan is trying to get spoiled rich boy under control. He destroyed the town's titular wishing tree along with the hopes and dreams of all those who left a wish on said tree.  West coast poor girl wants to be a singer but has stage fright.  And nerdy guy just wants a date or something.

Will Evan save his job, get the girl, bail out spoiled, rich boy, give west coast poor girl confidence and get nerdy boy a girl?  Gee, I wonder...  You can never tell with these sappy tv movies.  I actually did like this one but there seemed to be something a little off with Gedrick's performance.  Other than that it was sweet and worthy of a watch.

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Day 5

"On the fifth day of Christmas, my TV gave to meeeee...five, uh, five...this is tough. Nevermind !"

At least two stars from TV's One Tree Hill and Kyle XY bring you Hallmark's Naughty or Nice.  Aren't you excited?!?!?! Yeah?  Me too.  Ok, this one was kind of cute.  The production value was so-so and the acting was about the same.  Star Hilarie Burton has charisma and you find yourself wanting things to work out for her so there's that.

The story is this: Burton's character, Krissy Kringle (no relation, just mean parents), gets fired right before the holidays even though she was working her butt off for her company.  Krissy also happens to live in the only undecorated house on....Candy Cane Lane.  Natch.  Her boyfriend of 6 years, Lance Leigh (I can't make these up!), breaks up with her after she gets all crazy on him but really their relationship is kind of secondary to her journey.  (Apropos of nothing, I'm currently getting distracted by Nathan Gunn singing with the Mormons as I write this.  Check him out on Google Images, you won't be disappointed.)  Um, so yeah, Krissy gets tons of Santa mail and somehow ends up with Santa's book of names.  Hilarity ensues (not really) and she reads all sorts of dirt about her neighbors, coworkers, and so on.  There's a whole part about her getting a job as a mall elf and competing for a neighborhood decorating contest.  Blah, blah, blah.  But she's got a plan to fix everything she broke.

So what did I like about it?  Well the bits with Santa weren't so overly magical and that was refreshing.  Again, Burton managed to make me care even though she was goofier than I'm used to (I like her as Sara on White Collar where she's not at all goofy).  Plus Michael Gross and Meredith Baxter (Mr. and Mrs. Keaton from Family Ties) were in it (not nearly enough) and were kind of cute too.  I guess mostly it didn't irk me like some of these do.  I wouldn't rush out to buy it on DVD or anything but it's going to be on again Wednesday at 12am. So if you're up and not watching an informercial for pajamagrams then check it out.

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Day 4

"On the 4th day of Christmas, my TV gave to meeeeee...a really crappy holiday movie."

I'm kind of bummed that Lifetime's The Merry In-Laws was sucky.  I had high hopes because it stars Haven's Lucas Bryant (squee!) as well as Diane and Norm! (Nor-man) from Cheers.  Sadly the movie was beyond cheesy and not in a good way.  It fell flat and I think the female lead and weak writing were to blame.  In fact, I need to admit that I fast-forwarded through about 75% of it. 

The story is this: The guy, Peter, proposes to the girl, Alex.  She's a single mom and he's her son's teacher.  She's a logical scientists and he's a dreamer.  They're already in love so we missed out on what could have been a cuter story. I think they wanted to feature George Wendt and Shelley Long more but I think it could have been better if we had seen the falling in love part of their story.  Instead we get two hours of Peter trying to find a way to tell Alex that he's the son of Santa and Mrs. Claus.  Yawn.

Wendt was fine but Long was over the top and flat out goofy.  Unfortunately Bryant's Peter was more like his mom.  I'm so used to his character on Haven that seeing a goofball like Peter was unnerving. Alex, played by Kassia Warshawski, was meh.  The kid who played her son was cute but the rest of the cast was pretty meh too.

I just can't help but feel like there was a better movie in here somewhere that the writer just missed.  Granted this was different than the usual falling in love movie but it was missing the magic it seemed to think it had.  Here's hoping the next one is better.

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Day 2

"On the second day of Christmas my TV gave to me…2 kids in Love at the Christmas Taaaaaable."

 

In all honesty, Love at the Christmas Table is now my all-time favorite cheesy, holiday made-for-tv movie.  It is the cheesy, holiday, made-for-tv movie against which all others will be measured.  Lifetime aired it and I’m so glad I watched it.  I’m a sucker for uber-romantic movies, especially holiday ones so this one got me right where I live.  Even though I don’t mind the cheesiness, there was hardly any cheese at all in this one.  The guy, Dustin Milligan, is cute and the girl is Winnie freaking Cooper.  Plus throw in a little Lea Thompson and Luke from Gilmore Girls and I’m in.  I’m totally and completely in.

Maybe what I liked most was that Love was different.  Sure, it’s still a predictable romantic movie but there were some subtle differences.  It featured the guy and girl equally and maybe the guy just a bit more.  Plus, unlike other tv movies, they didn’t fall in love in a week.  The guy and girl have been friends their whole lives and are, at one point, brutally honest with each other.

So now is a good time to get into the story.  Our guy, Sam, is home for Christmas for the first time in a few years.  Our girl, Kat, greets him warmly and the flashbacks begin.  We get to see Sam and Kat, at the kids’ table, grow up over the years.  When they’re older they realize there’s some chemistry but the timing is never quite right.  There’s also a side story with Lea Thompson and Luke from Gilmore Girls that wasn’t needed but was sweet nonetheless. 

The writing was pretty good as well and that almost never happens with these types of movies.  Lea Thompson’s character, EB, is a older, single lady who never got to be with her true love.  While trying to encourage Kat to finally tell Sam how she feels, EB reminds Kat about Miss Havisham in Great Expectations.  She was lonely and spiteful and as EB says, “The world has enough Havishams.”  So true.  And it was funny.  Another character got my favorite line, “Toby Weisman and his brothers are throwing a Three Weisman’s Party.” 

I don’t want to get all spoilery about whether Sam and Kat work things out but it is a sappy Christmas movie so I’m sure you can guess.  There’s a fun dance scene too that made me want to call in and vote for Danica McKellar on Dancing with the Stars.  So watch it!  You won’t be disappointed.

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Day 1

"On the first day of Christmas my TV gave to me...Christmas with Holllllyyyy."

Did you see Christmas with Holly on ABC Sunday night?  It was their Hallmark Hall of Fame movie and I knew it had to be good since it was airing on network television and not directly to the Hallmark channel.  So was I right?  Mostly!

Ok, so it was utterly predictable but it was better than most. These tv movies are incredibly formulaic but once in a while they can surprise you.  This one didn't surprise me but it wasn't OVERLY cheesy either so that was good.  I read a few slightly mean reviews and half of them didn't even get the story right.  I'm wondering if the reviewer actually watched it all.

Speaking of the story, we have young Holly mom has just passed away and she's now in the care of her uncle Mark.  Holly's not speaking so Mark decides that it'd be better if he moves her away from her school and home in Seattle and back to his home on a quaint little island nearby.  He's been renting his place so they move in with his two brothers, Scott and Alex.  Uncle Alex is a smart science guy and Uncle Scott has a bad perm and is in construction (see photo).  Honestly, Uncle Scott is super cute so why on earth did they think a perm was a good idea?!?!  Actually, his hair might have been my biggest complaint about the movie.  Anywhoodle, Mark meets a new girl to the island, Maggie, who is there opening a toy shop.  You can pretty much predict what happens with them.


What I did like about it was that the movie was less about the love story between Mark and Maggie and more about the care of Holly.  The relationship between the brothers and between them and Holly was fun and sweet. Everyone in the movie had great chemistry with each other even though the acting was, well, what you'd expect from a TV movie.

As I mentioned, this aired on ABC but will be repeating on Hallmark starting this Sunday I believe.  So keep your eye out for it.  It's fun, and tender and sweet.  Plus I want to know if I'm alone in my opinion about Uncle Scott's hair. 

Check back tomorrow for Day 2!  I hope one of the movies I've watched rhymes with 'doves.'  I'm not worried. 

Did we see Eclipse together?

Silly me…Did we see The Twilight Saaaaahhhhgaaaahhhh: Eclipse together?  If we did, I apologize for the remainder of this post.  I’m sure we had a fantastic time but, sadly, I don’t remember it.  These are monumental, epic movies!  How could I forget who I saw them with?

Here’s the thing about getting old, your memory starts to go and it goes quick.  Unless something out of the ordinary happened or the situation/setting was different for me, the memory of most events escapes me.  Oddly, the only Twilight installment I remember vividly is the first one.  It is the only one I remember because I was with two people I love and don’t get to see much of and we were in an odd situation.  To steal from Sophia of The Golden Girls, “Picture it…New York City, November, 2008.”  I was visiting my dear friend Ashlee who was in school at Parsons The New School for Design.  After some time in the city, we hopped on a train and headed west. Our destination…beautiful Berkeley Heights, NJ.  I have family in Berkeley Heights and thought it would be fun to visit with some of my cousins while up north.  We chatted a bit with two of my cousins and then Ashlee, my cousin Carly and I went to see Twilight.  It was Friday night, the air was brisk and the line for the theater was long.  Had I not bought tickets ahead of time (I’m somewhat of a planner) we would have had to bag the whole idea.  You see Twilight was pretty big at the time.  Not big enough that my other cousins knew what it was but big enough that I was determined to see it on my mini-vacation.

There’s a bit of an age difference between Carly and me so we didn’t really grow up together.  However we bonded instantly that night over our love for Twilight.  In fact every time a new sequel in the saaaahhhgaaaahhh comes out I feel like I should be back in New Jersey, standing in line next to Carly. I miss you, girl!

My friend Ashlee knew a bit about the Twilight phenomenon but was not a fan.  Actually she probably would tell you that her only experience with it was watching me tear through two of the books during a mini-vacation we took to Myrtle Beach one summer.  I couldn’t put them down.  Of course that was before I had gotten to Breaking Dawn, which I put down a lot.  Once I even threw it across a room.

So that leaves three other movies and my mind was still mostly blank.  My bestest friend, Dana, assures me that we saw New Moon and Breaking Dawn Part 1 together.  I vaguely remember seeing them with her but only because she was living outside of Raleigh, NC at the time and I made trips up there specifically so we could see them.  Other than that though, I don’t remember much about the situation.  I think I remember us driving into Raleigh for a jewelry class and complaining about all the angst in New Moon.

Eclipse is a blur.  I’m pretty sure I saw it with someone but I have no idea who that someone was.  I’m seeing part 2 of Breaking Dawn alone and it seems odd.  Part of the fun of these movies is seeing it with one of your friend and commiserating about how the rest of your life is completely reasonable and logical, but for some reason you can’t let go of these books or movies.  I will probably be seeing it a second time with two of my friends, Keenan and Ann.  They are two of the funniest women you’ll ever meet so I’m guessing we’ll have a fun time.  Did I ever tell you about the time Keenan and I went to see a Harry Potter movie with 200 5^th graders?  See, that’s a situation I remember because it was so out of the ordinary.  But I’ll save that for another time.