Downton Abbey Primer: Upstairs

Have you missed the first season of Downton Abbey, the late-Edwardian upstairs/downstairs drama from Julian Fellowes, the genius screenwriter behind Gosford Park? If so, I suggest you spend the rest of your weekend between now and tomorrow's premiere of season 2 on PBS watching all seven episodes in their entirety. Go on. It streams. Just need a quick refresher course before heading back to Yorkshire? We've got you covered at OMw/G. Spoilers aplenty follow.

The series opens with news of the sinking of the Titanic reaching the aristocratic Crawley family at their country estate (yeah, they are the 1%). The ship took down the Earl's first cousin and his son--a bummer on any count, but additionally because young Mr. Patrick was engaged to the Earl's eldest daughter, Mary. And welcome to a world in which we all agree not to be wigged out by impending marriage to a relative. That will be important later. Because of entailment laws which will be familiar to fans of Pride and Prejudice, Mary cannot inherit, so Downton, along with her American mother's substantial new-money fortune and her father's title, must be passed to the Earl's third cousin once removed. Let the games begin. The first season tracks Mary's prospects, the interfamily politics when Matthew Crawley, erstwhile middle-class solicitor from Manchester and new heir presumptive, arrives along with his mother, and the machinations of the staff downstairs. More on them tomorrow. Today, all you need to know about the once and future Lords and Ladies of Grantham.

At Downton Abbey:


The Right Honorable Robert Crowley, Earl of Grantham, aka "his Lordship," aka the pater familias. A kind man and Boer War vet who is deeply concerned about the entailment, but feels powerless to fight it. Married Cora for her money, but loves her now. Also has a touch of the old patriarchal strain about him, i.e., doesn't cotton to his daughters disobeying.





The Right Honorable Cora, Countess of Grantham, aka, "her Ladyship," aka the American. Despite a loyalty to her odious ladies maid O'Brien, a good egg. She's the kind of mom who will help you drag the dead body of the man you were in bed with the length of the house back to his room so your reputation won't be ruined. You know, just hypothetically. At the end of the first season a pregnancy that could have kept the estate in the (immediate) family was lost when odious O'Brien soaped her bathroom floor in retribution for (wrongly) thinking she was about to be sacked.






Lady Mary. Beautiful (obviously) and stubborn enough not to want to marry someone she's in love with just because that's what she's supposed to do. A bit brittle, but good at heart. Has a fondness for breaking the rules, which includes taking a lover (sort of): the late Mr. Pamuk. Yeah, she's the one who needed some help with body dragging. The end of the first season sees her losing Matthew due to a serious case of wishy-washiness, and sabotaging the engagement of her sister Edith because of the latter's role in exposing the whole Turkish Delight incident to London society.

Lady Edith. Harbors a serious case of jealously of her prettier sisters. After overhearing her mother confirm to Mary that she doesn't have the "advantages" of her older sister (that's British manners for "looks"), intentionally exposes her scandal with the unfortunate Mr. Pamuk to the British embassy. Was in love with Mr. Patrick before he got engaged to Mary, had a thing for Matthew before he fell for Mary, and is probably going to wreak Sauron-like vengeance in the second season for the failed relationship with Sir Anthony. Would be a sympathetic character if she weren't so damn mean.









Lady Sybil. The radical in the family. She wears pants, she goes to political rallies, she gets the house maid a job as a secretary. She had a good debutante season in London, but methinks she might be hatching a little romance with the socialist chauffeur, aka, my Downton Abbey crush.









The awesome dog whose wagging tail inaugurates the opening credits of the show.
















At Crawley House (a "small" manor on the estate): 


Mr. Matthew Crawley. After resisting the trappings of aristocracy with every bone in his middle-class solicitor's body, Matthew was getting into the whole lord of the manor bit . . . until he realized that his ascension to the title (and Mary's affections) were about as stable as the political climate in Europe in 1914. The end of season 2 sees him un-proposing to Mary and taking his piercing blue eyes away from Downton, hoping to gain control of his life again.

Mrs. Isobel Crawley. Matthew's mother, a former nurse, happy village busybody, and best frenemy of the Dowager Countess.

 At Dower House:

Dower House is only big enough for one member of the Crawley family, and that's the Right Honorable Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham. Matriarch and all-around force of nature, the Dowager Countess simultaneously resists the parts of modern life she finds garish and repellent--such as electric lighting, "weekends," and swivel chairs--and is a tireless advocate for Mary's right to inherit Downton.

The conclusion of season 1 finds Robert receiving another telegram laden with bad news: World War I has broken out. As Thomas the Snake (more on him tomorrow) rightly points out "War is coming. War means change."

Stay tuned for tomorrow's introduction of the Downstairs Crew at Downton Abbey primer!

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Director: Tomas Alfredson (my favorite Swedish director!)
Stars: (Almost) Every British Actor that I love

I've been holding on to this review for almost 2 weeks.  I'm not sure why but seeing as the film is opening (finally) to a wider release today then there's no better time for me to throw in my 2 cents. Also...don't ask how I, living in a suburb of a mid-sized southern city, got to see it prior to it's wide release. 

Oh and I want to give you a bit of a back story because in doing so I get to give my dad a shout out.  Hi Dad!  Just about a year ago I was in a situation where I was stuck indoors at my parent's house for 5 weeks with no opportunity for escape.  It was in this time that my father decided since he had my full attention, we would watch the original 1979 made-for-television mini-series, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy starring Sir Alec Guinness.  If you don't know, TTSS is based on a spy novel by John LeCarre.  The 6-episode series (7 if you're in Britain), according to my father, did a rather splendid job of getting most of LeCarre's novel in there.  Sure they had to leave out some stuff but mostly they got it right.  So when I first heard the news they were taking the book and making it into a 2+ hour movie I was skeptical to say the least.  How on earth could they get across what a 6 hour mini-series covered?  Well miraculously they did. 

Not only did they get it all across but they did it really well.  I really liked it.  In fact I liked it a lot.  I know, I need better adjectives. But I fear I won't do it justice. I'm still in awe that they were able to accomplish all that they did and I didn't once yawn or wish I were playing Angry Birds.  I will say that I think I benefited from seeing the mini-series first because at times it's a bit hard to follow.  There are tons of characters in the film and tons of other characters who are mentioned but unseen so there's a lot to keep track of.  What's nice about this film is that they really know their audience.  This isn't a movie for everybody.  If you're going to see it then it's because you have a thing for cold-war era espionage that doesn't involve a James Bond-type character who gets the job done without spilling a drop of his martini.  And always gets the girl.  This is soooo not that kind of movie.  It's clever and assumes you are too.  I like that in a movie.  Every once in a while my ego needs that kind of boost.

The movie did an incredible job of looking the part.  The word bleak doesn't even do it justice.  This was a Cold War movie that looked, well, cold.  The Russians are trying to get information. The English are trying to get information. Who knows what the Americans are up to. In fact that may be one of my favorite parts.  We're always involved in these 'Cold War, Russians are bad' movies and it's nice to take a back seat and let the Brits do the work.  Sure it gets a little screwed up but no smarmy American CIA agent swoops in to save the day.  Nope. All they needed was George Smiley, a retired MI6 spy brought back in to find a mole amongst the good folks at the Circus (aka the in-house name for British secret intelligence).

As mentioned with the look of the movie, director Alfredson did a fantastic job with taking us back to Cold War era.  Plus he went with a very restrained angle with the acting and action which is what does the novel the most justice.  Again, this isn't meant to be flashy.  It's long and drawn-out, and probably exactly what the spy business is really like.  Spies need information and don't always rely on guns to get it.  Sure, there is some shooting and a few people die but it's not glamorized at all. It's the price of war and unfortunate but necessary.  The characters in this are bummed because the Russians are ahead of them at every step.  In fact they all wear the same face in most scenes:

Ironically Smiley never smiles.  Not once. 

Even hottie Tom Hardy looks perturbed and nervous

If you were a spy during the Cold War era this is what a smile looks like.

Hi Benedict!   Don't worry, you can smile in other movies.  You've already got a few lined up which makes me smile!

Ok, Firth gets to smile but I think it's a requirement of his contract. 

The acting was terrific (I really should put a thesaurus to use) and Gary Oldman, as George Smiley, was better than I've ever seen him.  I say this with full authority that I've seen most of Oldman's work and never not liked him or thought he did a sucky job.  Dude can act.  He can do over the top but, as in this, is best when being restrained.  A lot of critics will argue that the best acting is acting you don't see or aren't aware of and this is an excellent example of that.  You don't always need to hit people over the head with a role to prove you're a talented actor (ahem, Charlize in Monster).  As you can see above, the film is filled with the likes of Tom Hardy, John Hurt, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Colin Firth.  That would have been enough but then they threw in British staples like: Mark Strong, Ciaran Hinds, and Toby Jones.  Don't recognize those names? You'll recognize their faces. Each one put in a solid performance.  Movies with such large casts impress me, especially when they get folks like Colin Firth to take a smallish part.

Oh and my dad agreed that even though it was only 2 hours they pretty much nailed it. He's read the book too so he's my expert on the subject.  I don't feel like they left any vital part of the story out and were able to get everything in there.  It could have been way more complex or it could have ignored some major parts but it didn't.  It was a fully-realized story that keeps you intrigued from beginning to end.

Anyway I'm going to stop rambling about how much I liked the movie.  The critics aren't giving it unanimous love which perplexes me.  I'm going to have to read some reviews to see what the complaints are.  I can't imagine I'll agree with any of them. 

Howl is an almost-interesting movie about a fascinating poem

Franco = not that douchey!

And the problem isn't even Franco! I really wanted to like Howl, last year's Sundance baby about the first reading of, and subsequent obscenity trial for, Allen Ginsberg's seminal (pun intended) Beat poem of the same name. And I almost did.

Franco plays, or rather ventriloquizes, Ginsberg. The film's "script" is entirely comprised of trial transcripts, interviews, and the text of the poem itself. One group of actors, including Jon Hamm (yum), Mary-Louise Parker, and Jeff Daniels, re-enact the 1957 court case where Lawrence Ferlinghetti and his San Francisco based City Lights press was put on trial for publishing Ginsberg's work. With the exception of the portrayal of Ferlinghetti, whose expressions range from queasy to dumbfounded to mildly sedated, this is the strongest part of the film. It is equal parts maddening and illuminating to watch a parade of "experts" discuss the relative literary merit of "Howl," and to see the defense attorney (Hamm's Jake Ehrlich, the inspiration for Perry Mason!) tie them in knots.

One's ability to enjoy the segments reproducing Ginsberg's legendary Six Gallery reading of the poem largely depends on one's tolerance for hipsters. Since these were the originals, I didn't mind it. Franco does a decent job replicating Ginsberg's distinctive nasally New Jersey vowels, and the poem itself is a tour de force cri de coeur that just cannot be uninteresting. The reading is annotated, in a way, by "performed" interviews with the poet, and some reenactments of famous shots of and by Ginsberg featuring figures from the piece.

The third element of Howl is the weakest, to my mind. During the reading, long animated sequences replicate the poem's images. Though the animation is beautiful, it's self-indulgent and WAY too literal. It attempts to narrativize and seamlessly reflect Ginsberg's poetic language in a way that reduces the scope and power of the words themselves. One of the expert witnesses smartly counters the prosecution attorney who is trying to get him to admit he doesn't understand the poem because he is reluctant to offer a word-by-word summary by pointing out "One can't translate poetry into prose. That's why it's poetry." You can't translate poetry into a cartoon, either.

Howl is a hybrid documentary that is unquestionably lovingly made, informative, and experimental. Problem is, the results of that experiment are pretty inconclusive.

Suburgatory, Modern Family, and Happy Endings - Didja Watch?

Didja watch Suburgatory "Driving Miss Dalia?"  If you had you woulda seen:

-Tessa ace her driving test only to be hired to chauffeur Dalia around.  Dalia's driving (6th) driving test went pretty terribly with the instructor on a stretcher and Dalia with whiplash. At least she got a bedazzled neck brace!

- Dalia makes Tessa stalk a boy, Scott Strauss, who graduated last year and is the hottest guy to ever live in Chatswain.  Tessa ends up rearending him (or "banging" as Dalia put it) and I'm so glad she did because Dalia is right.  DUDE. IS. HOT.  (FYI-It's Thomas McDonnell who I think should have been Gale in Hunger Games)  Tessa is forced to ask him out on Dalia's behalf and he agrees but we know it's because he's sweet on Tessa.

- Dalia is so happy to be on a date with Scott that she actually smiles at Tessa.  Their new found friendship doesn't last long because Scott tells Tessa he likes her.  Tessa comes clean with Dalia who insists she must be joking because Scott Strauss would never be interested in Tessa.  Says Dalia, "Tessa, you remind me of Tyler Perry right now.  You're joking but you're not funny."  HA!  Dalia declares war on Tessa and I bet it'll be fun to watch.  Especially if it means McDonnell is around a bit longer. Don't worry, he's like 25 and totally legal for me to be crushing on.

- Meanwhile George is trying to get into the local country club because he's a big fan of saunas I guess.  He finally gets in but there's a fight and other silliness.


Didja watch Modern Family "Lifetime Supply?"  If you had you woulda seen:

- Lots of fun with Phil!  Really the show should be called Phil's family.

 - Phil is having a bad couple of days.  First his doctor thinks he feels something, runs some tests, tells Phil he'll call if it's serious, calls Phil but then leaves the country before Phil can return his call.  Oy!  So Phil thinks he's dying and by the end of the episode so does everyone else.

- The next day Phil runs out of his lifetime supply of razors!  He won them years ago on a game show and thought they should have lasted way longer.  Poor Phil!

- Mitchell won an award for environmental law and puts it on the mantle.  Cam decides to put a trophy of his own on the mantle too but it's of a fish and Mitchell thinks he's just trying to be competitive.  Turns out Cam's got TONS of awards but he's left them boxed up so he didn't make Mitchell feel badly about himself.  By the end of the episode Mitchell goes from being pissy about it, realizing that since Alex agrees with him he's acting like a 14-year old girl, to wanting to put Cam's trophies on display.  Too bad that when he gets the trophies there's a mouse so all Cam sees is Mitchell stomping on his trophies.

 - Gloria's ex, Javier (played by a still-hot Benjamin Bratt) shows up and wants to spend some time with Manny.  Gloria insists Jay go with them to spend the day at the track because the last time he visited he took Manny to the petting zoo which turned out to be the name of a strip club.  Heh.  At the end of the episode everyone is at Phil and Claires trying to console them about Phil's mystery disease.  Javier is sharing his wisdom with Claire who asks, "Who is this?" Cam's response: "Who indeed?!?"  Ha!

- BTW...Phil is fine. His doctor just wanted to talk real estate.


Didja watch Happy Endings "The Shrink, the Dare, Her Date and Her Brother?"  If you had you woulda seen:

- Everybody up to their usual hijinks. I shouldn't admit this but because I can never remember half the character names, my notes refer to them as a stereotyped identifier: Blonde, Other Blonde, Black, Gay, etc.  The only two whose names I remember are Dave and Penny but they'd be in my notes as Neurotic 1 and Neurotic 2 and there's no way I'd keep them straight.  I'm going to look up their names right now but I will forget them again by next week.

- There's a sweater that Jane and Max are fighting over.  It's decided that the person who can look ridiculous the longest wins the sweater.  They each come up with a terrible outfit for the other person. 

That's a Princess Di tee he's wearing.  Jane says he looks like "Jamiroquai before Labor Day."  That was kind of funny.

Jane looks like a cracked out Mrs. Brady.  She even has the ugliest mom jeans on.

- Neither of them wins and they end up in their underwear in front of some firemen.  It's strange.

- Alex and Brad try to connect.  They're in laws and have nothing to talk about.  At the end of the episode they find out they both have a weakness for rom coms.  In fact they both attended Chicago's Rom Com Con.  Ridiculous.  Like people would go to a convention for movies. 

- The best part of the episode was Dave's therapist, Dr. Richard Rickman played by...KEN MARINO!  I've had a crush on him since the mid-90s when MTV was running The State.  Dr. Rickman has a crush on Penny and even stalks her a bit.  She finds this incredibly flattering and agrees to go out with him.  We meet Penny's therapist too.  Both shrinks think Dave and Penny have unresolved feelings for each other.  I hate when shows do this kind of thing.

Switched at Birth - The Morning After

Tracy's going to be blogging one of her guilty pleasure shows so I'm going to jump in with one of mine...ABC Family's Switched at Birth.  This is the only ABC Family show I watch (I was watching Chloe King but they axed it) so don't worry that I'll start yammering on about The Secret Life of the Longest (and possibly worst) Named Show on TV. 

Someone on IMDB summed Switched at Birth up nicely:
Tells the story of two teen girls who discover that they were accidentally switched at birth. Bay Kennish grew up in a wealthy family with two parents and a brother, while Daphne Vasquez, who lost her hearing as a child due to a case of meningitis, grew up with a single mother in a poor neighborhood. Things come to a dramatic head when both families meet and struggle to learn how to live together for the sake of the girls.

Key Players:

(l to r) Regina, Daphne, Bay, Kathryn, John, Toby

Regina Vasquez: single mom, recovering alcoholic, hair stylist;
Daphne Vasquez: teen, deaf, raised by Regina but biological daughter of John and Kathryn, terribly sweet
Bay (yes, her name is Bay) Kennish: teen, arty, raised by John and Kathryn but biological daughter of Regina, total brat.
Kathryn Kennish: wife, mother, etc. She does some rich lady charity stuff and has lots of gossipy friends
John Kennish: husband, father, ex-baseball star, now owner of a chain of car washes.
Toby Kennish: gambling addict, guitarist and lead singer for (what used to be Guitar Face and is now Free Booze but we'll get to that)


Other Key Players:

Emmett:  We love him.  He is Daphne's best friend and is also deaf.  He's now dating Bay and by doing so showed Daphne that he should be moved out of her 'friend zone.' He's not giving up on Bay yet though and that's a good thing.  I'm thinking he and Daphne will have their shot later.
 

Wilke: He's ok.  His hair doesn't always look like that. He's in Toby's band and is a bit of a player when it comes to the ladies but his interest in Daphne seems like it's for real.

Adrianna: Regina's mother, and thusly grandmother to Bay and Daphne.  She gets to keep Regina in line.

Last night was the first episode of the "winter premier."  I will now recap, as brief as possible, what happened in the summer season:

Bay was always a bit suspicious as to why she didn't resemble her mother or father and decided to officially look into it.  Turns out someone at the hospital played the old switcheroo game with the babies.  They decide they want to meet the other family, things are awkward, then less so and through a quick string of events, the other family (Daphne, Regina and Adrianna) end up moving into the spacious apartment above the Kinnish family garage.  One big, not terribly happy, family.

John, who is loaded, wants to sue the hospital to prove a point that people shouldn't be switching babies all willy nilly.  The hospital is barely making ends meet but he thinks they should be punished.  Not everyone is on board with the lawsuit, especially Regina because she reveals that she figured it out a long time ago but was satisfied raising someone else's kid. 

Meanwhile Bay has decided she wants to know who her biological dad is.  By the end of the summer season she's found out his name is Angelo Sorrento, he left when Daphne lost her hearing, plays guitar and is interested in meeting her.  He shows up and spills that a nurse at the hospital knew all about the switch and could help with John's lawsuit.  Handy.  Too bad John is feeling all threatened (men!) and doesn't want him around.

Daphne spends the season being all sweet and nice and friendly.  She dates one of Bay's exes and Bay puts her foot down.  However, Bay dates 2 of Daphne's friends (a guy named Ty who is on some other ABCFam show now and Emmett) but Daphne is so sweet that she just smiles.  Actually that's not true at all.  She realizes that even though they've only been friends their whole lives Daphne's now very possibly in love with Emmett and wants him all to herself.  Prior to Bay he'd said that he'd never date a hearing girl because she'd never understand what their lives are like.  Apparently Bay's hair won him over.

It's so dark and wavy!

Plus Bay is totally learning sign language and is doing pretty well with it so far. By the end of the summer season Daphne kissed Emmett but he tells her he's sticking with Bay and her hair.  He even says something out loud to her (can't remember his exact words but they were sweet) which he's never done before and I totally melt. Oh! Also you should know that Emmett joined Toby and Wilke's band and they get to perform at one of those 20-band summer festivals they do so much nowadays.


Last night's episode, "Starry Night" picked right up where we left off at the end of summer.

Bay, with Regina as a chaperone of sorts because John doesn't trust Angelo, meets up with her bio-dad at a jazz club.  Regina and Angelo fuss at each other a lot which isn't how Bay imagined hanging out with her bio-dad would go.  It's messy and really pisses off Daphne.  She's pissed that her runaway dad suddenly has an interest in his bio-daughter and had no interest in his hearing-impaired daughter.  She's right, he's totally crappy.  If only he know how nice Daphne is and how awful Bay is.

The guys are at their first big gig but too bad they'll be playing a stage way off in Timbuktu.  They run into Bay's former bestie, Simone.  She name drops a band called Helen Mirren's Cleavage and I totally want them to be a real bad so I can buy their album. The guys decide to change their name to Free Booze so they can get a crowd to come see them.  That'll go well.

Daphne, feeling upset about all the business with Angelo, runs off to see the guys perform and maybe get some attention from Emmett.  She shows up late at night and climbs into Emmett's tent while he's sleeping and totally cuddles up right next to him.  He's a bit shocked the next morning to see her there.  Bay soon shows up, the guys perform and get booed when the audience realizes they aren't actually getting free booze.  Bay fights off an angry fan by telling him to leave Emmett alone because he's deaf.  This pisses Emmett off because he doesn't need her to protect him.  She's new to all this so he has to be patient with her while she learns the rules.  They're very good together and he's really teaching her a lot.  And she's WAY less bratty and putting other people first for once.

Daphne's feeling down that she's lost her best guy friend (and potential love match) to her, well, what are she and Bay?  Anywhoodle she's all bummed and sitting on a dock looking all pretty and shiny (see above).  Wilke shows up, they talk and he makes her feel better for a minute by pushing her into the lake (see below).  Don't worry, he had her remove her very expensive hearing aids first. 

This gave the Wilke dude a chance to get undressed and jump in.  I'm sure teen girls everywhere were swooning.

While the kids are off gallivanting at some random concert, John and Kathryn are discussing the lawsuit.  They are going to meet with the nurse in a few days to find out what she knows.  I have to say, if the nurse was working there 16 years ago then she got her nursing degree when she was 14 because she doesn't look a day over 30.  Their lawyer warns them that she's a single mom and would probably say anything to get her hands on some of their money.  Nice.  So all single moms are broke and willing to compromise their integrity (if they have any) for some quick cash?  Good values ABC Family. Anywhoodle the nurse admits to Kathryn that she was over tired and could have possibly put the baby back in the wrong crib.  Well that settled it for Kathryn.  She's totally on board with the lawsuit now.

Now you're up to date.  It's a good show and I've learned a lot about the deaf community.  Plus I tend to be a sucker for teen melodrama.  Don't worry, my recaps won't all be this long.

The Drunkest First Episode of The Bachelor EVER

I admit it. I'm a fan of The Bachelor/ette. As horrible as it gets, I am forever in its thrall. The Bachelor is the One Ring, and I am a wraith, screaming in existential agony, yet enslaved to this Show of Power, and Chris Harrison, its Sauron-esque host. Which is all to say, I watch it so you don't have to, and it's time for a new season. Last we saw Bachelor Ben (heretofore known in this space as BB) he was letting Ashley feel the rage for rebuffing his (I feel rather lackluster) proposal. Now he's tanned, cut, and still sporting that low-flow showerhead hair, back for more humiliation and human behavior that beggars the imagination of the most depraved misanthrope.

He's hoping to "find love" and "open his heart" and all that Bachelor boo-shit. Whatever. Bring on the psychos!

I feel the episode would be best encapsulated by this video:

The long-form recap goes a little something like this:

Winners:

• BB. I think he's sort of diffident and cute, despite his raging tan and newly capped teeth, and he gets extra bonus points for, when asked what Kentucky is famous for, responding, "bourbon?" Also, he makes wine. I imagine that means wine flows from the taps at his Sonoma estate. If it's not already clear, I'm kind of into BB.

Two glasses and a barrel a piece? That's my perfect date.

• Chris Harrison. Not only did he openly mock BB's nerves at the beginning--he was doing a number with his hands reminiscent of this Ricky Bobby moment: 

Harrison also awesomely responded to BB's statement that "the worst that can happen has already happened" (referring to his "no yes for you" rejection from Ashley) with "Well, we hope." Zing!

• The Horse. 

Pictured: The most mature and dignified person on the show. And BB and Lindzi.

• The Grandma. Though she wasn't officially a candidate and only limped into the manor to shill for her granddaughter Brittney, Grandma kept her stuff together, went home before the drama, and got a hug and a walk to the limo from BB. 

"Trust me, you'll be asking for my number by the end of the season."

• The Show. The Bachelor is notorious for plying the contestants with alcohol, but I began to suspect that they were slipping roofies in these girls' white wine as well. It managed to give us every variation of drunk girl, which brings us to: 

Losers:

• The girl who gets emotional. "Blogger" Jenna spent most of the show sobbing in the bathroom, and was late to the rose ceremony, sporting a red nose and I-just-yakked hair.  

Of COURSE she got the final rose.

• The girl who gets mean. The blonde from Salt Lake City (I'm still shaky on names). She was promising to "cut [Jenna's] [expletive deleted] face off" by the end of the episode. Look out BB, I think she's marriage material!  

Bitch has got a shiv in that ponytail.

• The girl who gets affectionate.

She's got his nose!!!!

Courtney is a model. Know how I know that? She mentions it. A lot. I think this should be her theme music every time she enters a room: 

She's also really into BB's hair (?). She mentions that a lot as well.

There's also a big-game hunter and a "VIP Cocktail Waitress" (euphemism alert) and about a dozen dental hygienists. The previews promise more crying, and more fighting, some skinny dipping, and another possible rejected proposal.

Best impression rose? The horse
Worse impression rose? Jenna the weeper

Today in Pop Culture History

Upper:

3 January 1892: Merton Professor of English Language and Literature, World War I veteran, and, oh yeah, author of The Lord of the Rings, John Ronald Reuel Tolkien was born today in Bloemfontein, now part of South Africa. Regular readers of this series know that I don't usually include birthdays, but I'm invoking the Tolkien exception. Today, it is traditional for fans of "The Book" worldwide to toast Tolkien. So join me by standing at 9pm wherever you are, holding aloft a glass of whatever you happen to be drinking (USC fans will be practiced at this gesture), and saying aloud "The Professor." Then take a sip before sitting and finishing your beverage. Then watch and/or read the entirety of The Lord of the Rings (optional). Next year, let's all meet up at The Eagle and Child and do it right!

HIMYM and 2BG - Didja watch?

Didja watch How I Met Your Mother "Tailgate?"  If you had you woulda seen:

- Marshall recapping the New Year's Eve events for his father's headstone while also watching the Vikings game with him...sort of.  Both his brothers show up with the notion that they'd be able to spend some alone time at the grave too. By the end of the episode Marshall's hosting a graveyard tailgate ergo the title of the episode.

- Robin spends her New Year's trying to keep a very drunk Sandy Rivers in a coherent state on the air.  It doesn't work so she gets to do the countdown.  This ends up being pretty great for her career and we're assured that FutureTed will get to that later. Promises promises, FutureTed.

- Barney and Ted, pissed at McLaren's charging $50 to get in, decide to open their own bar in the apartment.  They call the bar Puzzles.  It's fine until it's not and they have to kick everyone out before midnight.

- Marshall wants to read the baby tales of enigmas of the mystical and Lily's not having it.  But she's got other stuff on her mind like how her dad didn't seem to care when she called with her baby news.  Thankfully her dad came through at the end of the episode restoring Lily's faith in humanity if not werewolves.


Didja watch 2 Broke Girls "And the Secret Ingredient?"  If you had you woulda seen:

- Caroline discovering the joy of couponing.  She's hesitant at first but quickly gets the hang of it and even has the store giving her money in return.  She gets so wrapped up in it that she ignores her horse and alienates Max.  Caroline realizes that the idea of free money made her forget what's important.  She's scared that she's inherited her dad's ponzi scheme DNA which Max cleverly coins as 'couponzi DNA'  Heh.

- Caroline also finds out that Max uses box mix for her cupcakes instead of baking from scratch.  She thinks Max should be full of shame because of this but Max thinks shame is overrated, much like Ke$ha is overrated.  Too true.

- There was also some stuff about Han raising the price of women's time of the month products which is only noteworthy because Max gets to refer to Han as, "the man who thinks your menses should be more expenses." (you have to pronounce expenses with menses for it to work)

"Parting Gifts" (Angel 1.10): Welcome back, Wesley!

This episode ostensibly centers around a demon who steals other demon bits and sells them at auction, but its real purpose is to introduce a new character:

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Well, RE-introduce an old character is more accurate.

And a new twist:

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Cordy gets Doyle's visions now.

It's a particularly snappy script, written as it is by David Fury. My intrepid co-watcher Jenn particularly likes Angel's rant about how "hack writers" use lazy stereotypes when creating TV vampires. I also enjoy Cordy's audition for Stain-b-gone and her awkward kiss with Wesley. And speaking of awkward kisses, show, there's a REASON Cordy and Angel both "feel nothing" after she tries to pass Doyle's visions on to him. Just saying. Done with my rant (for now), on to the Angel guide to being a rogue demon hunter!

DO look the part. 
Recently sacked from the Council, former Watcher Wes tries mightily to inhabit an edgy persona that reads more ersatz Angel than bad-ass.

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Jenn suspects those leather pants are pleated. I suspect she's right.

DO know your strengths.
You can take the Watcher out of the Council, but a Watcher he will remain. Wesley knocks out some mad research, Giles-style, to identify the Kungai demon whom he and Angel mistakenly believe to be behind a series of demon mutilations, and is then able to speak said demon's dialect and identify the real perp.

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Now you're looking the part, WWP!

DON'T be a lone wolf.
Angel, I'm looking at you. And not just because you're devastatingly handsome.

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But you totally are, especially when you're cooking. Call me.

For all Wesley's talk of going rogue and hunting alone, his dawdling at the front door, waiting to be invited to breakfast at Chez Angel, is adorable and in keeping with the Whedonverse's first rule: Don't talk about Fight Club. Oh, no, sorry--the rule is to keep your friends close. To paraphrase the goofy time lords Angel begs for Doyle's return at the beginning of the episode, when a cute Irish seer goes out the door, let a rogue demon hunter in the window. Angel's Scoobies are *almost* assembled.