The Drunkest First Episode of The Bachelor EVER

I admit it. I'm a fan of The Bachelor/ette. As horrible as it gets, I am forever in its thrall. The Bachelor is the One Ring, and I am a wraith, screaming in existential agony, yet enslaved to this Show of Power, and Chris Harrison, its Sauron-esque host. Which is all to say, I watch it so you don't have to, and it's time for a new season. Last we saw Bachelor Ben (heretofore known in this space as BB) he was letting Ashley feel the rage for rebuffing his (I feel rather lackluster) proposal. Now he's tanned, cut, and still sporting that low-flow showerhead hair, back for more humiliation and human behavior that beggars the imagination of the most depraved misanthrope.

He's hoping to "find love" and "open his heart" and all that Bachelor boo-shit. Whatever. Bring on the psychos!

I feel the episode would be best encapsulated by this video:

The long-form recap goes a little something like this:

Winners:

• BB. I think he's sort of diffident and cute, despite his raging tan and newly capped teeth, and he gets extra bonus points for, when asked what Kentucky is famous for, responding, "bourbon?" Also, he makes wine. I imagine that means wine flows from the taps at his Sonoma estate. If it's not already clear, I'm kind of into BB.

Two glasses and a barrel a piece? That's my perfect date.

• Chris Harrison. Not only did he openly mock BB's nerves at the beginning--he was doing a number with his hands reminiscent of this Ricky Bobby moment: 

Harrison also awesomely responded to BB's statement that "the worst that can happen has already happened" (referring to his "no yes for you" rejection from Ashley) with "Well, we hope." Zing!

• The Horse. 

Pictured: The most mature and dignified person on the show. And BB and Lindzi.

• The Grandma. Though she wasn't officially a candidate and only limped into the manor to shill for her granddaughter Brittney, Grandma kept her stuff together, went home before the drama, and got a hug and a walk to the limo from BB. 

"Trust me, you'll be asking for my number by the end of the season."

• The Show. The Bachelor is notorious for plying the contestants with alcohol, but I began to suspect that they were slipping roofies in these girls' white wine as well. It managed to give us every variation of drunk girl, which brings us to: 

Losers:

• The girl who gets emotional. "Blogger" Jenna spent most of the show sobbing in the bathroom, and was late to the rose ceremony, sporting a red nose and I-just-yakked hair.  

Of COURSE she got the final rose.

• The girl who gets mean. The blonde from Salt Lake City (I'm still shaky on names). She was promising to "cut [Jenna's] [expletive deleted] face off" by the end of the episode. Look out BB, I think she's marriage material!  

Bitch has got a shiv in that ponytail.

• The girl who gets affectionate.

She's got his nose!!!!

Courtney is a model. Know how I know that? She mentions it. A lot. I think this should be her theme music every time she enters a room: 

She's also really into BB's hair (?). She mentions that a lot as well.

There's also a big-game hunter and a "VIP Cocktail Waitress" (euphemism alert) and about a dozen dental hygienists. The previews promise more crying, and more fighting, some skinny dipping, and another possible rejected proposal.

Best impression rose? The horse
Worse impression rose? Jenna the weeper