Just to prove how little I know about this show, NEITHER Gladys Knight NOR Gavin "Bruno Mars" DeGraw were in the bottom two. Instead, Sherri Shepherd (along with her partner, Wax Jr.) made their tearful way out of the ballroom. More important? Melissa Gilbert got freaking whiplash and a concussion from slamming her head into Wax's sculpted abs (actually his knee, but who's counting). Will she be able to dance? Will Derek take off his shirt for Latin Night? Will William Levy? I've got a glass of rose and a three-day-old doughnut to see me through the next two hours. Everything will be illuminated tonight on Dancing with the "Stars"!
Former rock legend humiliating him/herself for no apparent reason: Carlos Santana. Say it ain't so. As an aside, Santana outdoors in Raleigh's outdoor pavillion is one of the most awesome concerts I've ever attended. This DwtS performance is soiling that memory. Derek is wearing canary yellow. That's not helping my mood.
Jaleel and Kym: According to Star magazine, Jaleel has been verbally abusive to Kym, leading the rest of the cast to dub him "Jerkel." That's the funniest thing I've heard all day. They'll be dancing the samba this evening.
Commercial Break: Jayne is on Castle! Squee.
Jaleel and Kym, cont'd.: Ooh, they have literally set fire to the ballroom. And "The Rhythm is Gonna Getcha.'" Into it. I think he's rather decent. Len is standing up! He compares Jerkel's bum to a mouth chewing a toffee. I'm not sure how I feel about that. The judges feel just fine about it: Carrie Ann: 8; Len: 8; Bruno: 8. Next up: Neck brace Melissa and Wax.
Commercial Break: The Lucky One: the latest Nicholas Sparks adaptation. Have I mentioned that I have seen EVERY GODDAMN NICHOLAS SPARKS ADAPTATION EVER?
Melissa Gilbert and Wax: Wax is looking incredibly tan this evening, and his hair is remarkably gelled. He's also wearing the exact same pair of green corduroy Toms shoes that I bought last season during rehearsal. Let's hope his knees are feeling a little more stable this evening. They're dancing salsa. He's wearing a white pair of Toms. No one fell down, so I guess that's a win. Bruno demonstrates how the dance should be done, which I feel is a bad sign. CA: 7; L: 7; B: 7. Next up: DEREK!! and She Who Must Not Be Named. I don't appreciate all the head-touching and "baby"-calling.
Derek and Whosit: Whoever is wearing a ridiculously huge yellow headpiece. She looks like Big Bird. I'm really starting to hate her. They're dancing the salsa, and Derek is wearing a silly hat during rehearsal. I blame her influence. She falls on her effing face, again during rehearsal, and I think it's hilarious. The performance has started, and I'm pretty sure she's grinding against Dr. Drew. That's odd. DEREK HAS REMOVED HIS SHIRT. And they have engaged in possibly the most awkward on-stage kiss this side of Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson. I am no longer jealous of this woman, and can now resume using her given name. Whatever that is. The judges are pretending it was hot, which I'm fine with, as it means they'll be staying on the show longer. Scores after the break. CA: 9; L: 9; B: 9.
Katherine the Diva and Derek's BFF Mark: They'll be dancing the ArgenTINE Tango. It's difficult. Go get it, diva. During rehearsal, she kicks him in the balls quite frequently. Mark also has a hot forearm tattoo. Do they all have one? They've begun dancing with a bottle of whiskey between them. Now this is my kind of dancing. It's feeling a bit lackluster to me, though. Let's see what the judges think. Well, they loved it. Shows what I know. CA: 10 (!!??); L: 9; B: 10. WTF? I thought they were way too slow!
Gavin and Karina: Aka, dude who sucks and is inexplicably still on the show, and chick who won last season. Gavin is having trouble bringing the sexy for the samba, and admits to "relying on fan votes" to survive. He is trolling for said votes while playing a club that appears to be about the size of my living room. I don't like your odds, DeGraw. especially now that you're beginning the dance in some sort of ersatz canoe. That ain't sexy. Wow, I feel he really sucks. The judges are just humoring him at this point. Bruno: You should have stayed in the boat. CA: It was hard to tell you were doing the samba. Len: It was more of a "shamba" than a samba. DeGraw could give a shit and is sort of making fun of the whole show, which sort of makes me like him. CA: 6; L: 6; B: 7. Ouch. But he's making me laugh, so I hope he stays on.
Musical Interlude: Santana is back, with "Maria Maria," which is pretty fly.
William "I'm very handsome" Levy and Cheryl: Another ArgenTINE tango. William doesn't want to be the only Latino gong home on Latin Week, and he's trying to weight the odds by wearing a tuxedo shirt unbuttoned to his navel. Looks better than Katherine and Mark's to me--think it helps to have the pro dancing the female part in this dance, but let's see. Carrie Ann can barely speak. It's the unbuttoned tuxedo shirt. We are all powerless in its presence. CA: 10; L: 9; B: 10. Again I say: Tux. Edo. Shirt.
Gladys and Tattooed Tristan: A samba, in an age-inappropriate outfit for Gladys. She's selling it from the neck up, but I'm not too impressed with her footwork. In that her feet aren't so much moving at all. The judges are being a touch patronizing, which doesn't strike me as auspicious. CA: 7; L: 7; B: 8.
Roshon and Chelsie: The boy genius is trying to vault himself out of last week's bottom two through approximating "sexiness" with the salsa. It's awkward. William "I'm very handsome" Levy stops by to try to inject some suaveness into the pre-pubescent Roshon. Not sure that it took. He's a decent dancer, but looks WAY too young out there. It's just making me uncomfortable. The judges seem okay with his Doogie Howser-ness, however, deeming him "sexy in a Disney way." I.e., NOT SEXY AT ALL. CA: 9; L: 8; B: 9.
Donald and Peeta: They OWNED last week with the paso. How will they manage the ArgenTINE tango this week? During rehearsal, it seems like Donald is coaching Peeta more than vice-versa. Very Fifty Shades of Grey of him. They recover from a pretty lame poker-playing intro to make the tango their bitch. This baller is for real (though again, it helps when the chick is the pro during this dance). The judges are enthused, but not smitten. CA: 10 (!); L: 8; B: 9.
All right. My prediction: Gladys is in trouble, but I was wrong before. See you here next week. Right now? Watch Castle! The Man That They Call Jayne is making a special appearance!
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