How long has it been since you used the term "Paso Doble" in casual conversation? Saw shirtless men squire be-sequined women around a ballroom? Heard a sexual entendre from Bruno Tonioli? Too. Damn. Long. Tonight, Dancing with the Stars returns, and not to be upstaged by Project Runway, it's an all-star edition. Who's back for more vote grubbing and professional humiliation? Will Carly Rae Jepsen be involved? How shiny is Wax's chest? Stay tuned . . . I've got red wine and dark chocolate, and I'm liveblogging this bitch.
So Kirstie Alley is clearly back. And according to my mom/aunt, this is a good thing. Oh, snap! Did you see Tom Bergeron totally won an Emmy last night?
So far there is at least one couple where I cannot identify who is the "star" and who is the dancer. We've got two boy band alumni. Also, calling the dude who was naked in the Sex and the City movie an "actor" is quite kind.
First up: Joey Fatone and Kym Johnson dancing the cha-cha. I've always contended that Joey Fatone and Wax were separated at birth. And damn Fatone looks like a semi-regular on The Sopranos. But dude has hops! He just did that Derek thing where you jump over the chick. Kym also has fringe on her tights. It's sort of creepy--like she's a disco Sasquatch. But they have set the bar high. Let's see what the judges think. Tom says "it's so good to see you're all here!" which is either a reference to the American Idol musical chairs judge-a-thon or a dig about Len's age. And now apparently there is the possibility of a half-point. I predict this will be meaningless.
Carrie Ann: 6.5, Len: 7, Bruno: 7
Shawn Johnson and Derek dancing the fox trot. Shawn smiles when she talks. I find this disconcerting. She's wearing yellow, having gotten the "yellow is the hot color" memo from the Emmy's last night. Is it just me, or is the fox trot sort of a lackluster dance? It's like sort of half what people do at the high school hop and half what they dance at the Poconos. Anyway, not as good as Fatone and Kym. It's also funny to see Derek tower over anyone. Well, the judges seem to like it. They have identified sex appeal that was invisible to me. It's like dog whistle sex appeal. Scores after the break!
Now Derek is crouching so he looks short. Not as amusing as when he imitated Angelina Jolie's leg pose, but amusing.
Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 6.5, Bruno: 7.5
Sabrina Bryan and Louis dancing the cha-cha. Sabrina was/is something called a "Cheetah Girl." You can sort of see the definition of "star" we're working with here. Louie to me looks like someone who would be at home leading a polygamous cult. Also, Louis might very well be spelled "Louie," but I'm going with the Interview with the Vampire spelling. Louis likes to talk during the whole damn dance and Sabrina is very toothy. But they're fun. This is a hard dance to fuck up unless you fall down (Wax). The judges think they were too aggressively cutesy. The judges have a point. Scores after the break!
I just heard from my Dancing insiders that Sabrina had a thing with Mark Ballas during her last appearance on the show. Wonder if she'll bang this Ted Haggard looking dude.
Carrie Ann: 7.5, Len: 7.5, Bruno 7.5
Helio Castroneves and Chelsie Hightower dancing the fox trot. Let's see if they can make this dance at all appealing to me. Helio has a bit of a Roberto Benigni thing going on. That's not a compliment. Verdict: nope. Except for an unintentional (I think) boob grab, the performance rates an meh.5 from me.
Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7.5, Bruno: 7
Pamela Anderson and Tristan McIrish dancing the cha-cha. Tristan is nursing a serious crush that he's not even trying to hide. I anticipate they'll bring the sexy. Tristan has let his chest hair grow out! Interesting. Pam ain't moving too well, guys. She's a little stiff. And there is many a pun lurking in that critique from which I will spare you.
GOD SARAH PALIN IS IN THE AUDIENCE. AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Okay, sorry. I'm back. Bruno is basically begging her to dance better. Len praises her for not "falling over." This is not glowing praise.
Carrie Ann: 5.5, Len: 5.5, Bruno: 6
Ouch.
Melissa Rycroft and Tony dancing the fox trot. I'm sick as hell of the fox trot. BUT. A Bachelor crossover! Sweet! Melissa is the chick who got dumped by Jason at the "After the Rose" special. Hey, I don't hate this! Maybe it's just because I enjoy Melissa's flowy skirt, and would very much like one of my own, but this seemed not as boring as the earlier trots. Let's see if the triumverate agree. They want more body contact. Okay. So maybe another boob grab?
Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Bruno: 7
Apolo "One L" Ohno and Karina dancing the cha-cha (sensing a pattern here?). Apolo is sporting some unfortunate facial hair. Let's see if he can overcome it. The technicolor outfits are certainly distracting me from it. This is fun, but doesn't look very cha-cha-ish to me. And if Len doesn't bust these two for being two theatrical, the fix is in. Len thinks he deserves a bronze, but Bruno thinks his extensions were exquisite. And Carrie Ann thinks he's sexy? For reals? I mean, pink leopard print suspenders over a blue jumpsuit doesn't scream "sexy" to me, but to each her own.
Carrie Ann: 7.5, Len: 7, Bruno: 7.5
Incidentally, Bruno says "haaaaaafffff" in an awesome way. He should give half scores more often.
Dude from Sex and the City and Peeta dancing the fox trot. Peeta is doing her best Marilyn Monroe impression. Not sure who Gilles is supposed to be, but he's totally lip-synching to the song. Verdict = lame. Fox trot = back to boring. In an intriguing twist, this guy's wife looks exactly like Helio's wife. Has anyone seen them together? Perhaps she's living a double life? And all will be exposed on Dancing with the Stars.
Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 8, Bruno: 8
Bristol Palin and Mark dancing the cha-cha. Oh shit, we're in Wasilla. Here are people and places you probably have tried to forget. And there they are. Coming back at you. Bristol has promised ass-shaking. Let's see if she delivers. I see hair shaking. I see shoulders shaking. Okay, there's the ass. Eh. Now Mark is on his knees, physically shaking her ass for her. Will it be enough for the judges? They call her "most improved," which I always think is a bit back-handed, compliment-wise.
Carrie Ann: 6.5, Len: 6.5, Bruno: 6 and a haaaaafff.
Drew Lachey and Anna dancing the fox trot. Apparently Drew did some sort of cowboy dance when he was last on the show that changed lives and cured mega-Staph and shit. So I guess he's a favorite. Drew's suit is very shiny and his frame is impeccable. This man looks seconds away from breaking out some serious jazz hands. I'm into it. Team Drew! Oh, and Nick Lachey is there as well. Remember him? Len is sour, but everyone else is pleased. Carrie Ann wants to see firm but not rigid. Don't we all?
Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Bruno: 7 and a haaaaaffff.
Kelly Monaco and Wax Jr. who is now going by Valentine instead of just Val what could it mean? dancing the cha-cha. Val has just become the second person on this show to use the fake word "impactful" and then described their chemistry as "oozing sexuality covered with sexual tension." Sounds like it would make you sick. Apparently Kelly has never danced the cha-chat. What were they doing in season 1? The hokey-pokey? He also brought our attention to her great big tits. Keeping it classy, Wax Jr. He has foregone the trend of growing out one's chest hair, no doubt in solidarity with his brother. This dance is just fine, but what I'm really interested in is Val's outfit, which is an unbuttoned black shirt with one gold glittery arm band like disco Red Cross volunteers might wear. The judges hearted it.
Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Bruno: 7 and a HAAAFFF.
Kirstie Alley and Wax dancing the fox trot. Wax seems to actually like her. I've never seen him look not at least 45% annoyed. It looks like Christo designed their stage. Kirstie has seriously pretty hair, I must say. This is quite lovely, I think, and it was the only fox trot of the night where someone got dragged halfway across the stage. I say win. CRAP, ARE THOSE KIRSTIE ALLEY'S KIDS??? Fuck I'm old. Anyway, they want Alley on 11 and she's on about 8 and a HAAAFFFF. Okay, Kirstie just planted a good seven-second kiss right on Tom Bergeron's mouth "for your Emmy." Anything after that just seems pointless.
Carrie Ann: 6.5, Len: 6, Bruno: 6 and a haaaaafffff.
Emmitt Smith and Cheryl dancing the cha-cha. Emmitt has some serious hip action skillz. And some seriously cunning green sparkly shoes! Yeah, dude is good, and I'm not just saying that because I LOVE his shoes. Judges love his flair.
Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 8.5, Bruno: 8
Tomorrow, if you care to watch, you will be graced with the Biebs and Pitbull. Now there's a duo for the ages.
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