Survivor: Philippines

Right off the bat we're treated with gorgeous shots of Philippines (the Philippines? Help!) and then host Jeff Probst on a speedboat.  Natch.  Jeff explains that this season we'll have three tribes of 6 including three ringers who left their respective seasons for medical reasons.  I find myself chanting quietly, as if in prayer, 'Not Colton.  Please not Colton." It wasn't!  Instead we got Russell Swan who managed to knock himself out during a challenge, Michael Scupin who passed out right into a fire and lost a lot of skin on his hands (EW!), and Jonathan Penner (love him!) who I think got some sort of infection.  There aren't as many pretty boys as last season and there doesn't seem to be a large age range either (youngest 20; oldest 53).

First Impressions:
(l to r)
Blue Team aka Matsing
Malcolm: He seems like an all-around good guy. He's handy around camp but lets Russell get the attention.  Smart!
Angie: Terribly cute, terribly blond, terribly Mormon (most likely), and a former Miss Teen Utah.
Russell: Proclaims right away that he doesn't want to be in a leadership role and then almost immediately starts giving people jobs and telling them how to do said jobs.
Roxy: very cute and a seminary student.  Don't know much about her yet but she seems nice enough.
Zane: OMG!  Zane is hilarious.  He has a tattoo of Frankenstein's monster on his arm and goes into this long explanation of how the monster picked a flower for the little girl but then strangled her, which is how he wants to play the game or somesuch.  Also, he spends the first few hours at camp making alliances with EVERYONE.
Denise: sex therapist and can read people like a book.  She's gonna be tough and could play a good mind game.

Yellow Team aka Tandan
Michael: Such a sweet guy but soooo totally accident prone.  It's adorable that he doesn't think he is.  If he stays away from serious injury he could last longer than the 18 days he was in the Australian Outback.

RC: very girlie and squeal-y;  Plus she's hiding the fact that she's a Wall St. banker
Artis: Don't know much about this guy except that he's the oldest player.  
Lisa: BLAIR WARNER RULES!  Michale is her biggest fan.  Actually Jeff Probst said on Jimmy Fallon that she's his favorite player so far.  Apparently she will really struggle a lot with being a conniving player and trying to be a good example to her kids.
Pete: Don't know much about this guy but he gets pulled into the girlie alliance.
Abi-Maria: Brazilian and flirty; in a girlie alliance with RC

Red Team aka Kalabaw
Jeff: ex-baseball player and evades mentioning this because everyone will assume he's loaded and doesn't need the money.  He's right when he says the person who wins shouldn't be the winner just because they're needy.
Katie: Who?  I have no idea who this is.  She's cute and brunette but forgettable.
Jonathan: Listen, dude was in my favorite 'liberals think they're better than everyone else' movie.
Dawson: I like this girl.  She's smart as a whip (totally recognizes Jeff because of an ex of hers who was a baseball fan) and I think will go far if she plays this just right.  She's my #1 right now.
Carter: I totally thought this was a girl for some reason. I probably shouldn't admit that.  Anyway, I don't think he spoke once during this episode.
Dana: I like this girl too.  She's tough in a southern girl way and describes herself as "punked-out and spiky girl."

Immunity Challenge:
There are two idols up for grabs and because this is the first challenge of the season, there are variations of fire-starting materials too.  The tribes are to split themselves into 3 groups of 2.  Each pair will be responsible for one leg of the challenge: a run into the woods to retrieve paddles, a row into the ocean to retrieve a box, and to put the final puzzle together.  Angie and Roxy offer to do the running part but Russell ignores them and forces them to do the puzzle, even after Angie declares to be TERRIBLE at puzzles.  This will go well.  Russell has to pull Zane (who is in terrible shape) along and the blue team loses.  It's a tight race between red and yellow with red pulling off the win (probably because of Jonathan's puzzle skills). 

Post-challenge, Zane pretty much offers himself up for the Survivor gods as the first torch to be extinguished.  Angie, the imperious cheerleader, won't accept this and tells him to fight.  Mostly the group has been talking about ousting Russell because he's already had his chance.  Plus, he's like totally bossy.

@ Tribal:
Jeff asks his incredibly appropriate questions and they are answered.  Russell is saved and poor Zane is not.  I guess Angie had a change of heart, fat lot of good her words of encouragement did for Zane.

Zane, the tribe has spoken.  You were funny and probably could have gotten a lot further if only you had quit smoking a while ago.

Mom's quote of the night: "They keep showing WAY too many snakes."   

Survivor "The Beauty in a Merge"

Apparently the new name of the merged tribe is Tikiano and they get a black buff.  The tribe members celebrate with bottles of something (champagne? wine?), fruit, bread and more.  This togetherness will only last so long.

Alicia – holding onto blaming Colton for screwing her over by not giving her the immunity idol.  Yes, I’m sure it’s got nothing to do with the fact that you’re not a likable person.

Jonas – showing his chef skills at camp and makes some coconut chips.  Nice.  Puts Tarzan in his place and he doesn’t take it that well.  Shocking.  Later, Jonas realizes that to make the right move he must apologize to Tarzan who gets all teary at it.  Their repaired relationship doesn’t last long.

Tarzan – has some smallish freakouts and possesses very little patience.was under the impression it’d be guys vs. girl again and makes the move to establish this plus Alicia because she was Colton’s toadie.  But…

Michael – who receives the pitch from Tarzan doesn’t have an interest in being in an alliance with Tarzan.  Actually, for someone of his type (strong dude) he's been way under the radar lately.

Reward:

The members of each (randomly selected) team must do another race and dig combo then two members must put the puzzle together.  Reward is pizza, beer and a special note that tells the winners there’s another idol hidden back at camp. The orange team loses their lead but pulls out the win anyway. 

Chelsea – I’m totally jealous of her tan.  Poor thing is minding her own business, doing her laundry and Tarzan tosses his poop stained underpants in with her stuff.  EW! EW! EW!

Troy – Finds the hidden immunity idol!  Good for him.

Immunity:

And we have the traditional, ugly immunity necklace up for grabs.  Each Survivor has to perch on a log and balance a plate with 1, 2, then 3 balls on top.  If a ball falls or they do then they’re out.  Tarzan is first out and I’m hoping this is foreshadowing because dude annoys me.  It’s down to Leif, Kat and Troy.  Leif drops out, Troy seems to be struggling a bit and amazingly Kat seems to be in a trance.  I can’t believe I’m rooting for Kat!  Apparently I’m bad luck because she’s out and now Troy has two immunities.  Yup, this is definitely his island.  Be careful, Troy.

Back at camp everyone is discussing the next contestant to get the boot.  The ex-Salani tribe wants Jonas gone because he was the strongest of the Manono.  Tarzan wants it to be Kat because she’s useless around camp.  So how this plays out will confirm whether it’s guys vs. girls or ex-tribe vs. ex-tribe.  Chelsea wants to keep Jonas because he’s nice, he provides, etc. and wants to get rid of Tarzan.  I’m with her and not just because she’s from Chucktown.  Have I mentioned the fact that she’s from Charleston, SC?

Kim - points out that keeping Christina and Alicia around for now could be useful if the girls need to band together later.  Girl is thinking straight.  So even if the majority of former Salanis are voting together this week there’s still the option of gender later.  Smart.

At tribal:

Jeff asks what’s different now that they’ve merged?  Are they already planning who they want to be next to at the end (an argument for keeping Tarzan around because no one would give him the win)?  Does anyone ever give answers that are original or is it the same stuff every time?  Jonas gets vocal about his name coming up and makes a last effort to throw Michael’s name in the mix because he’s strong and smart, which makes him a threat during challenges.  He’s right, y’all.  But it matters not.

“Jonas, the tribe has spoken.”

 

Mom’s quote of the week (regarding Tarzan), “I’m so glad he wasn’t ever my doctor.”

Survivor: One World "Thanks for the Souvenir"

 

Manono:
Alicia - Gloats about how funny tribal council was (blind-siding Monica).  I really dislike this woman.
Colton - Adds insult to injury by telling Christina that she's on the chopping block and will be gone soon too.

Salani:
Kat - Had a dream that Alicia killed her.  Omen? 
Troy - He's feeling quite confident about Salani's abilities in the upcoming reward and immunity challenges. 

Speaking of the reward challenge, each person races up a platform and has to bounce a coconut onto a trampoline and hit a target.  The first tribe to hit all the targets gets an afternoon of ice cream party goodness.  The best part of this is Jeff hurling insults (mostly at Alicia) at how bad they are at this.  I bet Monica would have been good.  Idiots.  Salani wins.  Shocker.

Manono:
Christina - She fusses with Alicia and then POVs to the camera that she's ready for a fight and basically wants to show everyone how awful Alicia is.  Good for her.  It won't work but yeah, give it a shot.  She makes an effort to get Jonas and Leif on her side by pitching it as a numbers thing.  Alicia hears the whole thing and then gets super bitchy about it for no reason.
Jonas - He's no real help but he does find Colton and Alicia's personal attacks on people "interesting." Dude, grow a pair.
Leif - sleeps in a box.  Sure, it's a large box but it's still a box.  Cozy:

Colton - He's in pain and apparently feels so icky that he receives comfort from Christina.  He has pain and Tarzan the doctor thinks he could use a coconut water enema.  Ew.  The Survivor medics, escorted by Jeff, declare that Colton quite possibly has appendicitis and must be removed from the game.  He's pretty bummed about having to leave and declares: "I wish I could have done more." My mom replies, "Damage?"  Heh.  Also, instead of granting his partner-in-crime, Alicia, with the immunity necklace (THAT WAS GIVEN TO HIM), he keeps it as a souvenir.  Ha!  I love a vulnerable Alicia.

Both tribes get a note saying to report to tribal council that night.  Jeff tells them about Colton's status and poor, dumb Kat have never heard of an appendix and is now suddenly concerned that she needs to protect hers.  There's no immunity this week but there is a merge!  We're back to 6 guys and 6 girls.  The producers sure are changing things up a lot. 

Survivor: One World "A Bunch of Idiots"

Well kids, it's boys vs. girls no longer.  That didn't last long.  They show up for the reward challenge and Jeff makes them drop their buffs almost immediately.  They each choose an egg, which will determine their new tribe.  Seeing the result, one would assume it was planned because the teams are less than even.  The new Manono is: Colton, Alicia, Tarzan, Christina, Leif, Monica and Jonas.  The new Salani is made up of: Kim, Michael, Sabrina, Troy, Chelsea, Jay, and Kat. 


Reward:

The tribes must work together in teams of four to carry a large bucket full of holes and water across a bridge to fill up another bucket.  Unsurprisingly Salani wins and they get to stay on the beach that's already been established and take home peanut butter, jelly, bread, coffee and sugar.  Manono gets to hike to a new beach that, helpfully, already has some amenities. 


The new Manono tribe is battling a defeatist attitude towards the game now.  Icky Alicia and Ickier Colton gravitate to each other.  They plot to get rid of Monica but Alicia is hesitant to go along with Colton's plan at first.  But like a good little sheep she falls in line, as do the rest of them. 

The folks in the new Salani tribe spend their time catching crabs (not a euphemism), chickens, and eating the spoils from the reward challenge.  Kat dishes with Troy and Jay about the girls and plans on keeping her options open.  If she's smart this could work for her.  One thing she has going for her is that she finds the immunity idol, then hides it in her crotch.  Don't ask.  She approaches Chelsea to tell her about it because she trusts her and why shouldn't she?  Chelsea's a Chucktown girl and there are none better!  They wisely strategize to not let the rest of the folks see them as a pair.


Immunity: 

It's full-tackle basketball in the ocean.  Really there's no other way to describe this.  There are three from each time in the water for each round and there are no real rules besides not killing each other.  It gets a little cringe-worthy at times, especially when Michael tosses around Leif and a couple of the girls.  Salani wins 3-1 (Monica being the only person who scored for Manono).


Speaking of Manono, Colton is still very much out to get Monica even though she's the most helpful around camp, the nicest person there, and the strongest person on their team.  They're already the underdogs so getting rid of your strongest player this early on is a genius idea.  No, really.  That's smart.  As usual everyone nods in agreement at Queen Colton's plan.  Jonas even goes so far as to say he's totally willing to be Colton's bitch as long as it means he's not getting voted out.  Who gave Colton all this power?  This is the perfect situation for him.  I just hope that once they merge some people gain a little courage.

Tribal: 

 I feel like Jeff must watch some of the footage at the camps before tribal because he starts in almost immediately about what a benefit to the team Monica is.  Tarzan is absolutely bizarre and daffy and can barely keep anyone's names straight. 

"Monica, the tribe has spoken."  Jeff wraps up the episode by basically calling them all idiots.  They really are.

Mom's quote of the night, "Her boobs are like little balloons."

Survivor: One World "Bum-Puzzled"

Oh Survivor.  There have been many seasons I did not watch and I didn't feel like I was missing anything.  I almost didn't watch this season but I'm so glad I did.  Sooooo very glad I did.  Not a lot to say about the girls this week so I'm skipping them completely.

Manono:
Michael: Takes the time to label the non-model alliance (the gay guy, the Asian guy, the little guy) and then calls them weak...even though they just voted out someone from his alliance.
Tarzan: Trying to run things and is incredibly out of touch but not in that cute, old-man kind of way.
Troyzan: still maiking sexist, broad generalizations about broads
Leif: During a conversation with Bill leaked that they were aiming to vote him out at Tribal council, which is a surprise to...
Bill: after reward challenge is the only guy to not underestimate the women.

Speaking of the reward challenge...this week the contestants have to shoot coconuts at a giant board and  knock out 5 spots in a row to win.  Kat is actually pretty good at this one!  Finally!  The girls win and choose a tarp from the 3 reward choices (the other two were coffee and donuts or pillows and blankets). 

Colton: calls Leif a munchkin who he wants to send back to Oz. Oh. No. He. Didn't!  Colton is really forcing himself as the boss and it's working.  Oh and then he called Leif an Oompa Loompa.  Um, has Colton never been subject to slurs?  Does he not have those feelings deep down that I though most of us possess that get hurt when someone calls you names? I'm getting back to him in a minute but can't until I discuss the immunity challenge:

So the immunity challenge has the survivors paired off going over a balance beam and solving puzzles.  The girls are abysmal.  The guys finish before the second pair of girls get to their puzzle.  The guys bitch and moan when the girls look at their finished puzzles for help but it doesn't matter because the guys win anyway.  The girls are ready to vote Alicia off (I think, at least that's who Jeff was calling out) when they are blind-sided by the absolute dumbest thing I've ever seen (or heard of) on Survivor happens.

Colton: He's really the focus of this show and is truly running things.  In fact most of the guys are scared of him.  Word gets around that Leif spilled the beans to Bill.  Colton wants Bill out but apparently Tarzan and Troyzan get the story wrong and think they are voting out Leif because of his betrayal to their alliance.  The two of them were acting REALLY hurt and Leif was actually apologizing for it.  Colton is so determined to get rid of Bill (not Leif) that he suggests they give the girls immunity and go to tribal council themselves.  Uh, what?!?!  AND THE REST OF THE GUYS AGREE TO IT!!!
Jay: who is from Gaffney, SC, y'all! Confirms his hometown heritage by the following words: Bum-Puzzled.  He is bum-puzzled by Colton's suggestion of offering themselves up at tribal.

The look on Jeff's face is absolutely priceless when they arrive instead of the women.  Tribal council is a mess and for a while I think they are still going to write Leif's name down but then he's not who Colton is after and, just like sheep, they all vote the way he wants them to.

"Bill, the tribe has spoken."

My mother's quote of the week: "Long live the queen." 

Survivor: One World "One World is Out the Window"

Due to forces beyond my control I was not able to post anything yesterday.  Boo.  So here's my Survivor post a day late.

Previously: The women are a mess and get a stern talking-to from Jeff to shape up or they'll be shipped out. 
Currently: The rains have come and the guys are nice enough to invite the girls over to their camp to share the tarp they won last week.  The girls, trying to prove they're tough, instead prove they're just stubborn and say thanks but no thanks.  In fact the girls get a bit more ridiculous after the reward challenge but I'll get to that.

Salani
Chelsea from Chucktown - She wants them to have some confidence and positivity.  This will be hard to achieve considering how wet, cold, tired and hugry they are.
Kat - Still screwing up challenges and it takes her 7 times to get her part of the reward challenge right.  It's a good thing that the guy she was up against, Troy, was just as forgetful.

Speaking of reward, the challenge this week, which Jeff showed up to (unlike last week), was a memory game and the women DOMINATED.  That was just the boost they needed.

Alicia - Still annoying and denies a completely logical deal with the guys.  As their reward, the women won a canoe and fishing gear.  The men offer to give them fire in exchange for one day's (ONE DAY!) use of the canoe.  But the stubborn and short-sighted women have to 'discuss it.'  There's a good number of them who are incredibly petty (including Alicia) and don't want to share.  Honestly one good deed from them could help later but they can't see the forrest for the trees.
Monica - She turns out to be a decent spear-fisher.  Good for her!
Kim - not much to say this week.
Sabrina - She ends up not being great for the first part of the immunity challenge but excelled in the second part. 

Speaking of immunity, this week's challenge had two parts.  The first part was a blindfolded obstacle course in which a caller (Sabrina for the girls and Bill for the guys) directed the pairs to bags of puzzle pieces.  It was chaos but the men finished in plenty of time to get a good 5 minute headstart over the ladies.  It didn't matter because the ladies totally pulled it out in a nail-biting finish.  They worked together during the puzzle and communicated well.  Jeff's warning worked.  Well for now.  I'm sure they'll slide back into their bad behavior.  This brings us to the guys...

Manono
Troy - He was legitimately happy for the girls after they were able to catch fish but I suspect it's more a 'pat on the head, aw, isn't that cute' kind of way.
Tarzan - Thankfully he either wasn't in his Speedo or the camera guy didn't focus on it.  Thank you, camera guy!  He is surprisingly open during the post challenge strategy time.
Jay - Still talks too much and uses that silly voice of his.  He makes a swap from the male-model alliance and sides with the "Average Joes" (as Matt coined them) for the vote.  I wonder if this is a permanent switch.  Tarzan still doesn't count him amongst their numbers so I guess he'll have to prove himself trustworthy.
Bill - on Colton's radar because he's a "Bro" kind of guy.  He's hyper and just really happy to be there. 
Colton - He was less annoying this week and made some small moves to assert his power.  He also chose not to use his immunity idol this week.
Matt- less sensitive to the girls' plight of being cold, wet, etc.  He makes a power move during Tribal Council which I think sealed his fate.

"Matt, the tribe has spoken."

My mother is bummed about his departure because as she said, "He's so nice to look at."



Survivor: One World "Total Dysfunction"

Seriously, that's the episode's title.  We catch up with the girls who are rehashing the events of tribal council.  We spend lots of time with Camp Estrogen and a lot less time with Camp Testosterone.  That's never a good sign.  So what do the men do this episode?  Well they win both the reward and immunity challenges.  Let's see how our 'survivors' are progressing, shall we?

Salani:
Alicia - still a beeyotch; won't accept Christina's attempt at mending fences though...
Christina - didn't actually apologize but rather said she wanted to explain her side of it
Sabrina - continues to be my hope for the future of the women's camp; other women recognize her leadership skills and ask her to be their leader or "airhead manager" as she puts it.  Poor thing. This will go terribly wrong and it won't be at all her fault but they'll make her suffer.
Monica - still under the radar but getting a bit more attention
Nina - was under the radar until she spoke up about...
Kat- she TOTALLY screwed up the immunity challenge*
Chelsea and Kim - they reluctantly agree with Nina that Kat is a waste of space on the show (my words, not theirs), which goes against the alliance set with Alicia, Sabrina and Kat.

Manono:
Tarzan - in a speedo (ick) for most of the episode.  He even does a dance around the campfire while the guys chant.  It's a very geriatric Lord of the Flies moment.
Jay - still has an an annoying voice.
Colton - mainly the only guy they focus on this episode; kinda useless at his camp; still wants to hang around with the girls but they don't really want him.  He tells a few of the guys that he has the immunity idol so that actually puts him in a power role.

*Immunity challenge:

A balance challenge should have been theirs to lose.  Traditionally women are much better at balancing and puzzles.  The producers are trying to keep things even-ish but it won't work if the girls continue to be dumb about it.  The deal was they had to, one at a time, walk around each person but could only touch that person.  You couldn't touch a second person or you'd have to jump in the water and start over again.  Kat went first and took FOREVER (apparently boobs were getting in her way, which is why above she's going behind people).  Plus she jumped in the water twice when she didn't need to.  It was frustrating to watch.

Tribal council:
less bickery than last time and Jeff gets on them to get their sh!t together.

"Nina, the tribe has spoken."  BYE!

Yep.  That's pretty accurate.

Survivor: One World; episode 1

Somewhere on a remote Polynesian island lies 2 tribes, 1 camp.  

This time around it’s men vs. women and that will work just fine.  Also, no Redemption Island!  Yay!

Here are the first impressions:

Kourtney – cute, tattooed, kooky; then…breaks wrist and goes home during the first challenge.  Oops.

Colton – über-gay and wants everyone to know it; bonds with the girls

Tarzan – wants to be called Tarzan (even though his first name is Greg); nice ‘stache, terrible shirt (of course I'd rather see the shirt on than off); still in shock that he’s a plastic surgeon.

Troyzan – really?  Ok, it's Troy but he did say Troyzan. That’s worse than Tarzan; makes lots of broad generalizations about broads.

Michael* – aka ‘brows’; total jerk, steals from the girls right off the bat.  DO NOT WANT

Chelsea – CHUCKTOWN IN THE HOUSE! Great teeth; like her a lot.  GO CHELSEA!

Jonas – cute; nerdy; and will totally have to prove himself necessary if he wants to stay around.  Maybe he’ll show mad knife skills with the fish they catch.

Alicia – Ew.  JUST EW.  She starts an alliance right away and part of me expects it’s because she knows deep down that people will hate her.

Kim – pretty; seems reasonable enough.

Sabrina – Like her.  Like her a lot.  She finds an idol but can’t keep it.  Bummer.  She also shows some strength as a strategist, which will either serve or destroy her. She’s my second favorite.

Matt* – cute but arrogant; complains immediately about Colton.

Bill* – kind of under the radar except for one statement: “They [the girls] need us more than we need them.”  Uh, Bill…who caught the 2 chickens?  The girls did.  In fact Chelsea from Charleston did. 

Jay* - a model, how novel; high talker; needs to go quickly because I don’t like listening to his voice.

Leif – I’m much more distracted by his nipple rings than the fact that he’s a little person.

Kat – Cute but clueless; doesn’t know what the word “ambiance” means.  Keeping fingers crossed that the dumb blonde act is just that.

Monica – also kind of under the radar; but steals fire from the guys in the middle of the night with…

Christina – also seems reasonable and doesn’t take crap from Alicia (this makes her my 3^rd fave in the game)

Nina – bad hair, even worse fat lip from the challenge.  Other than that she’s pretty much under the radar too so far.

* the male model alliance. Not all are actually models but look like they could be. 

I watched this with my mom and had to share her funny quote of the night, though she'd prefer that I didn't.  There was a shot from above looking down on their campsite on the beach and my mom says, “That looks like Google Earth.”