Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Conan the Barbarian - mastering new levels of suck

Conan the Barbarian
Director: does it matter?
Stars: Jason Mmmmmomoa, Rose McGowan, and some other people

I just read Tracy's review of "In a Better World" and now I'm even more depressed.  This movie should have been soooo much better.  Look at the poster!  It's frickin' fantastic.  I hate doubting myself and this movie is making me doubt my existence as an amateur critic.

I aim to focus on the good stuff.  Yes, this will be a short post.  The outside scenery was cool.  I'm sure it was all fake CGI but it was pretty.  They found some creative ways to kill people.  Beyond all reason they were able combine various genres: Roman influences; Asian-female monks doing tai chi?; and the expected genre of fantasy.  Oh and the kid who played young Conan did a very good job.  Which leads me to...

Mmmmmomoa should have, nay could have saved this movie.  Even though I got to objectify him in his mostly shirtless state, it just wasn't enough.  Rose McGowan should have been better.  This was her kind of role and she cheesed it up but not even in a good way.  She did look crazy though.  So there's that. 

The best thing about this movie was that my friend Jenna and I were completely alone in the theater, shocker, I know, so we were able to comment on it while it was happening.  Jenna was smart and had wine.  I would have liked a lobotomy but a beer would have been a start.  But no, there was me and my water.  The waitresses commiserated with us in the restroom after. 

Jenna and I both agreed we were in need of "movie mouthwash" tonight.  Would you believe Mommie Dearest is on?!?!?  I'm saved!


  1. Things I love about this review: "Director: does it matter?"; "creative ways to kill people"; the concept of "movie mouthwash."

  2. "She did look crazy though. So there's that." FTW

  3. Also in love with the concept of "movie mouthwash"!

  4. Alas "movie mouthwash" is all Jenna. She's so clever. I owe her big time for sitting through the whole thing.

  5. Wow, if those abs couldn't redeem it nothing could!