Bachelor fouls abound!

The madness continued on The Bachelor last night in Park City, Utah.

Who do you think you are, BB? Lindzi?

Luckily it didn't taint the hallowed Main Street where Sundance films premiere and Robert Redford strides like a colossus. The action was mostly confined to Canyons Resort, as Chris Harrison helpfully plugged at the beginning of the show, before disappearing until the rose ceremony. Where has Chris been this season? I miss the days when Bachelor Jake was running to him for advice every fifteen minutes. Come on, Chris. If I can stand to stage a rose ceremony for free, you can certainly occasionally host the show you're hosting.

The "Have you ever seen this show?" Rose: Kacie B. Now that we're on episode 5, we're all hip-deep in Bachelor cliches. Kacie, who went on the first one-on-one date with BB what seems like eons ago, can't stand to see him with other women because of the obligatory "we have a connection" whining. Bachelor foul! Apparently she thought he would go ahead and pop the question and/or sequester himself from the other contestants right after their baton-twirling night out at the home movies. Silly Kacie. The creepy ring salesman hasn't even show up yet!

If only hand symbols made it so.

The Vapid Conversationalist Rose: Rachel. She peppered their one-on-one obligatory helicopter date with gems like:
"I love fresh air."
"I haven't felt like this since my last relationship."
And my personal favorite:
"This fire is hot."

[Crickets chirping.]

BB inexplicably presented her with a rose at the end of the date, which would annoy me if I weren't looking so forward to more awkwardness to come.

The No Rose Ceremony for You Rose: Samantha. She corners BB after a group date spent fly fishing and demands to know why he hasn't given her a one-on-one yet. As an aside, I love how using Bachelor lingo makes the show sound much more sexual than it actually is. BB responds with escorting her ass out after making no attempt to hide his utter disdain for her.

Yes, sweetheart. This is totally happening.

It was pretty awesome. Like Bachelor Jake in the good old days.

The "I Don't Hate Her. Yet." Rose: Jessica. The redhead dove into a cavern, ran through the rain, and danced to some country star I've never heard of with BB, all without managing to make me throw up in my mouth even a little. Kudos, Jessica!

Although, is that water in her glass? Bachelor foul!

The Tattletale Rose: "Ph.D. Student" Emily. Emily, who loathes Courtneythemodel with the heat of a thousand suns, couldn't resist making the obligatory "she's different around you than she is around the girls" speech to BB during the cocktail party. Bachelor foul! Apparently they don't cover the 0% success rate of this strategy in graduate school.

Next time, try just making out with him.

The WTF Rose: Courtneythemodel. To be fair to Emily, Courtneythemodel is intolerable. She sashays around with the rose she won on the group date, proclaims Puerto Rico "so two months ago" and brags she can hoist her champagne flute higher than anyone else.

Also, she kissed a fish. Whatever.

I pretty heartily despise her, though I was intrigued by her favorite put-down. After she found out that Emily complained about her to BB from her "best friend in the house" Casey S., she repeatedly stated that Emily had "[bleep] her hat with me." I'm not deleting the expletive for reasons of propriety, it's just that I honestly have no idea what curse word she's using there.

Next week is the much anticipated skinny-dipping session between BB and Courtneythemodel. God help us all.