Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Bachelorette: Jef the Puppet Master

Yeah, it was just about as horrifying as that 80s flick, too. The brain trust is in Prague, and it's the episode before the always-excruciating hometown visits. Which means: I always root for the ones I think likely to have the most freaksome families. Which means: Team Jef!

Imagine if everyone in his family has hair exactly like this????
But first . . .

The Rozlyn Papa Commemorative Rose: My boy Arie. Remember Rozlyn?

No? Lucky.

She got excoriated for banging a producer during Jake "not as honorable as I initially appeared" Pavelka's season. Shades of Rozlyn haunted Arie's one-on-one date with Emily, as it was revealed that he had dated one of her producers, apparently like a decade ago. Ultimately? A lot of build-up, no drama. After an "off-set" conversation between the three of them (no fair!), all was forgiven, Arie declared his love, and they made out on a ship that oddly had other patrons trying to enjoy their dinner cruise on it.

"Don't mind us, folks."

The Unfortunate Metaphor Rose: Wolf "John." Another one-on-one, totally bereft of even the hint of drama. Whilst walking the Prague streets, the duo come upon some sort of love lock art installation, and, when trying to add the padlock they happened to be carrying to the pile, it, ahem, failed to engage.

Also unfortunate: His suggestion they "push it in together."

Though Wolf tried to redeem himself by telling a story about how his last girlfriend cheated on him "a week after their first anniversary" with "some doctor," the chemistry seemed lacking.

Bright side: At least she didn't send you a "Welcome to Dumpsville, Population: You" text!

The Too Little, Too Late Rose:  Single Dad Doug. During the one group date of the week, the quartet of Emily, Doug, Sean (who pulled an Arie and snuck out to meet her/ make out with her the night before) and Chris the Rage Machine (more on that later) explore a castle. Yes. That's the entirety of their date. Speaking of which, where are the helicopters this season? There hasn't been one goddamn helicopter! Anyway, Emily gets Doug alone, and he acts like a sixth-grader at his first dance. She takes him outside, obviously to dump him, and he kisses her then. Her response? "Thank you for that." Meaning? My decision is solidified.

Don't feel too bad. Apparently, he's been arrested for beating some chick up.

The Being Jef Malkovich Rose: Jef. Obviously. They visit this puppet shop where, doubtlessly, at night all the puppets come to life and bathe the streets of Prague in blood. But for their date, they merely pick puppets that "look like" each other, and then act out a grotesque theatre of the absurd in a nearby library reenacting their relationship. Jef, proving he has the emotional maturity of, well, Doug, can only tell Emily he loves her through the puppet, retreating to "I really like you" when actually speaking as adults do.

The puppet actually has better hair.

Another interesting admission: Jef's parents are "really committed to something in South Carolina" and won't be meeting Emily if she goes to Salt Lake City next week. She will meet his swarm of siblings, however.

The His Secret Is He's Always Angry Rose:  Chris. Ah, Chris. Watching his progressive emotional meltdown during this episode was really the highlight of the night. As he was passed over for a one-on-one, and then watched Sean get the rose on his (unexpectedly) two-on-one, he got more and more twitchy, flushed, and whiny, culminating in the night of the cocktail party, where he was crying, covered in flop-sweat, and pacing back and forth like a caged panther, if panthers weren't cool and beautiful and instead were enormous tools.

If only he had a puppet to help him work through his feelings of jealousy.

Emily's decision to skip the party and send someone home immediately (for which a grateful nation thanks her), amps up his anxiety and rage to 11. He insists on talking to her, manages to keep it together briefly, and she ends up choosing to meet the people who raised such a mass of undiagnosed neuroses, along with Arie and Jef, sending home the (now lone) Wolf.

Next week: Arizona, Utah, and wherever they spawn hulking blond lumberjacks and crazed man-children.

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