Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Bachelorette: Everybody act normal

Or don't. This week brings the notorious "hometown visits" where family members of Bachelorette contestants who have not decided to go on love journeys pretend that it's totes normal their son/brother is contemplating marrying Nascar Barbie.

Comes with removable bouquet. And engagement ring.

The Wake Me When You Leave Chicago Rose: First up is Chris the Rage Machine, who we last saw as a quivering, red-eyed, semi-coherent mess. He's pulled it together to introduce Emily to his family in Chicago . . . and I miss the anger. He's boring, his family is boring, and he manages to make Chicago boring. His declaration of love and Polish dancing at the end does not salvage the snooze-fest.

Even his outfit is boring.

The "Is That a Rifle in Your Pocket?" Rose: Jef. In further evidence that Emily does not use language the way we humans do, she opens the hometown visit with Jef by talking about how much she likes his "edge." Honey, weird hair and a propensity to skateboard does not an edge make.

Pictured: The edgiest guy in Springfield

When arriving on his family's ranch in St. George, Utah, Jef immediately tries to bolster his masculinity to the level demonstrated by the Rage Machine, the race car driver, and the hulking man-beast by taking Em ATV-ing and shooting.

For all you bachelors out there: Tell your date not to wear a floofy skirt if you'll be taking her ATV-ing.

As previously disclosed, Jef's parents are "too busy" in South Carolina to come meet the Gentile, so she instead is faced with five brothers and sisters and approximately three dozen children. The (alcohol-free) lunch goes pretty well, with everyone asking Emily if she "shares the same values" as Jef, and if her life is "based on sound principles" that she would share with future kids. Basically, making sure that she realizes she's at a ranch in St. George, Utah, with a bunch of blonde siblings. Jef also said I love you, by and through reading an incredibly long letter.

You know what this declaration of love needs? Puppets.

The Eurotrash Rose: My boy Arie. Turns out his father won the Indy 500 in the 90s. Damn. Also turns out his mother is some sort of Dutch megabitch ice queen. Sweet. Let's get this dinner started.

After a metaphorically resonant picnic, of course.

After meeting his three siblings, who will say not one word the rest of the night, Arie and his parents speak Dutch as Emily looks equal parts confused and terrified. The Dutch megabitch ice queen then damns her with faint praise, deeming her "nice" and "pretty," and Indy Champ Dad mentions he likes her Southern accent. Ouch.

She also conducts her interview on a bed, whilst swilling wine. Just to fuck with her.

The Jenny Commemorative "Your Dog is Awesome, You? Eh" Rose: Frankensean, who looks more muscle-bound and terrifying with each episode. Those of you who remember Ali's season might recall Chris, who had his mother's signature tattooed on his ribcage and had an awesome dog named Jenny, who was really superior to Ali in every way. This time around, Sean's dogs, which he somewhat resembles, were the highlight of the hometown. The rest of the visit to Texas involved an elaborate and bizarre prank in which the family pretended Sean lived at home in a room filled with stuffed animals, and served steamed armadillo. It was hella strange.

"ARRR. Fire bad!"

In a move that surprised no one except, apparently, Chris, Emily sent him packing, activating his inner prosecuting attorney.

Yeah, she doesn't like you when you're angry. Or any other time, apparently.

After grilling her to account for her decision (hint: you're BORING), he rides off into a rage-filled sunset, and the rest of the crew head to the Caribbean for the last three episodes of this charade. And you know that can only mean one thing: It's effing fantasy suite time.

We're obviously using the word "fantasy" loosely.

No comments:

Post a Comment