The Bachelor: Every Parent's Worst Nightmare

You try to raise your child right--feed them, send them to school, keep the psychological warfare to a minimum. And then it happens: they bring home the Bachelor, and you have to invite this tool into your home and serve him dinner and alcohol and pretend it's all totally normal. Hide your daughters, America, it's the hometown visits episode of The Bachelor. Oh, wait. Too late.

The Ben-Hur Rose: Lindzi. Lindzi comes from one of those families that looks like a Tommy Hilfiger ad and insists on "friendly" "competitions" at all gatherings that just make everyone feel uncomfortable. Because Lindzi is an "equestrian," her parents made BB participate in a carriage-horse race.

Again, the horse stole the show.

We also had to endure the break-up story, and hear about Lindzi's "love journey." After this hometown visit, I switched from wine to Scotch.

The Hell House Rose: Kacie welcomes BB to her hometown with a marching band and a baton-twirling exhibition, and believe it or not, that's the high point. She informs BB that her dad doesn't drink (which is like being a Holocaust denier in the world of this show) and that he is "skeptical" about things like love journeys. I was sort of on board with Kacie pere until I also learned he was also "skeptical" about living together before marriage and people who don't share his values.

The face of a man who has decided whom to eliminate.

If Kacie wasn't home-schooled, she at the very least went to Jesus Camp. I am now chasing my Scotch with a brandy.

The Stephen "the Twin" Stagliano Commemorative "I'm More Into Your Brother" Rose: Nicki's brother. If you watched the season of The Bachelorette with Jillian, first of all, I'm sorry. Second of all, you might remember during her hometown visit episode, she met the twin brother of one of the finalists, Michael. Stephen the Twin was cooler than Michael in almost every way, which led me to the Bachelor/ette Sibling Theorem: Always go for the brother or sister of the person you're allegedly dating on this show. They share all the good genetics that landed their sibling a spot on the show, but, crucially, DIDN'T TRY OUT FOR THE SHOW. Nicki's brother is cute, funny, and normal, a characteristic that neither BB nor Nicki have exhibited in several weeks. Oh, and the visit? They talked a lot about the ex-husband and her father creepily commented that he shouldn't have "given her hand in marriage" to the first guy, because he "trusted her judgment." Not your call, bro. But perhaps you'd get along well with Kacie's dad.

She also made him wear this outfit. Her cooler brother underhandedly mocked it at dinner.

And you know what goes well after a brandy? Coffee. With Bailey's.

The David Lynch Must Have Directed This Hometown Visit Rose: Courtneythemodel. BB's time in her hometown is precisely the shitshow you'd imagine. First of all, they go to her house, meet her eerily cryogenically frozen parents, and proceed to talk about BB like he isn't there at the table. It was actually pretty hilarious:

Courtneythemodel: I'm looking forward to you meeting Ben. He's smart and nice.
Random family member: We can't wait!
BB: [silence]
Courtneythemodel: I think I'm falling for him.
Random family member: Falling or have fallen?
BB: [awkward silence]

Then, THEN, she takes him to this pretty non-descript park where she (of course) had her first modeling gig and talks about how she wants to get married there. Then, THEN, she shows him where a wedding is being set up, and yes, it's their fake wedding, complete with creepy fake officiant and fake vows. Though Courtneythemodel seems to confuse vows with demands, she tells BB she loves him, accompanied with much hair stroking (hers). It's all so utterly bizarre and he's so completely into it. Again I say, I disavow you, BB.

And she wore white. Isn't it ironic? Don'tcha think?

At the "who gets to bang Ben next week" rose ceremony, Kacie gets sent home and uses some language of which her father is no doubt "skeptical." The remaining four are off to Switzerland, because there are lots of helicopters there. See you next week for the overnights--I'll be the one with the glass of Maker's Mark.