The Morning After Alt-Oscars

So as we emerge from a blurry champagne-drenched night, we all doubtlessly have our opinions well-formed about The Artist and The Meryl and The Bridesmaids. But now it's time to hand out e-Oscars to those who particularly distinguished themselves, for good or ill, at the ceremony itself. It's a Meta-tastic Alt-Oscar Monday!

Best Abstract Emotional State: Nostalgia. A plurality of Best Pic nominees (including Le Winner) were consumed with the past, and the ceremony was no exception. Billy Crystal, who hasn't hosted since Million Dollar Baby won in 2004, was back, and wearing his best Billy Crystal mask and hairpiece.

NOT the Best Achievement in Make-up.

Best Accent: Christian Bale.

And that's how you do a black-on-black tux, Jonah.

Thought I was going to go French, didn't you? Perhaps Best Actor winner Jean Desjardin's "Dooglas Fairbonks"? Too easy. Plus, the Welshman was rightly dubbed by Best Supporting Actress Winner Octavia Spencer as "the hottest guy in the room." Clooney got docked for showing up with a human Oscarette.

Ugh.

Best Achievement in Facial Hair that Makes You Look Like You Must Stay 100 Yards Away From School Playgrounds: Bradley Cooper.

Behold: The Pedo-Stache

Cooper, even my memories of your French fluency can't overcome that look.

Best Presenter:  Mr. Robert Downey, Jr.

Love this man.

His pseudo-micro-doc gag was Tony Starkian in its "can't resist him" arrogance. But what gave him the edge over Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis's white tuxedos and cymbals?

Which was by all accounts quite rad.

 Two words:

He Tebowed.

Best Achievement in Racism: Billy Crystal, thrice. He made two race jokes and performed a skit in  in blackface.

I get that he's done the Sammy Davis thing for eons, but still.

If you ain't Gervais, you ain't pulling off edgy at an awards show.

Best Drinking Game Participants: Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy, who chugged from Vodka mini-bottles at the word "Scorsese."

Tell me you don't want to party with these chicks.

Best Achievement in Preaching to the Choir: The multiple talking-head montages that extolled, um, movies. Though I appreciate seeing artfully shot sepia footage of Werner Herzog, Edward Norton, and an un-Dictatored Sacha Baron Cohen doing just about anything, if you've got an audience that has entered hour two of a broadcast celebrating films, most of which have yet to go into wide release, we're probably already on board, re: movies are good to watch.

Best Accessory: Though Clooney made it a tight race, the clear winner is Uggie the Dog.

Bow-tie. Bone. Win.

Check out Alisa's liveblog of the red carpet for more snarky goodness!