The Bachelor: This Ain't My Fantasy

So we've arrived at the "overnight" dates, in which BB takes his Final Three for test spins in the skeazily named "Fantasy Suite." It's vile, it's dysfunctional, it's The Bachelor. The show begins with BB taking a long plane ride to Switzerland, in which he reflects on his "love journey" with each woman. It's sort of like when Dewey Cox has to remember his entire life before each performance. But since we've been there, let's move on to doing that.

The "You're not going to talk him into it" Rose: Nicki. First up to bat is the brunette dental hygienist. A helicopter (natch) drops them off on a secluded mountaintop for a picnic.

And unfortunately doesn't just leave them there.

The thing about Nicki is, she talks all the time. We (and BB) hear ad nauseum that she feels good about her decision to tell BB that she loved him last week, and that she knew it was real when he saw him with her family, and she is so touched and moved by absolutely everything and wants to shout her love from the mountaintops, but I guess the Fantasy Suite will do.

The Vulnerable Rose: Lindzi. In further evidence that BB is trying to murder her, they follow up their helicopter leap in Belize with a three-hundred-foot repel off a cliff. As for the rest of the day, any Bachelor drinking game worth its tequila requires a shot at every mention of the buzzword "vulnerable," and playing during this date would have put me under the table. Apparently, Lindzi is ready to become "vulnerable," and being on the show has made her realize how awful her last relationship was. Take a moment to ponder that, will you? Was her last boyfriend banging three other girls that she knew about rather than two? Anyway, BB is thrilled at how "vulnerable" Lindzi has become.

Though apparently BB thinks "vulnerable" just means "pantsless."

The This Show Hates You Rose: Courtneythemodel. After crying some crocodile tears about being a King Kamehameha bee-yotch for the entirety of the show, she and BB have a very boring date and an overnight in a Fantasy Suite that looks like someone refurbished the Unabomber's cabin.

Trust me: It was subpar.

But what made everything worthwhile, was that the producers are clearly NOT Team Courtneythemodel. We were treated to a montage of her most intolerable moments, and after the tasteful fade-to-black for their overnight, the first shot we saw was of a spider. You might remember Kaycie's immortal "she's a black widow I want to smush" speech. And speaking of the recently departed Kaycie . . .

The "I Want Answers" Rose: Another Bachelor foul, and another shot! Kaycie flew her ass to Switzerland because she couldn't understand why BB let her go. BB informed her, as the rest of the planet already knew, that it was because her family was nuts. She got in one last dig on Courtneythemodel, and then collapsed in the hotel hallway.

This might be another reason he let you go.

The We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Train Wreck to Show You the Face of Your New Nightmare Rose: Emily! You might remember her from Brad's season. She's the single mom whose fiance died tragically in a plane crash. You might also remember her from Ashley's season, as Slimey Bentley constantly wished she were the Bachelorette. Well Bentley, you got your wish. Emily met up with former Bachelorettes Ashley and Ali for an afternoon of shopping and advice-giving.

A Guide to Identifying Your Bachelorettes: Emily is the one in the middle.

She might want to take most of it with a grain of salt, since Ali has since broken up with Roberto, but whatever. What matters about this interlude is that the "metaphor activity" of the day was a screening of Titanic! Again I say: ! I know it's just a commercial tie-in, but do you really want that particular film to be the objective correlative for your season?

Pictured: The storybook ending every girl dreams of!

Though in many ways the choice is perfect: We all know what's going to happen, and we all know it's going to be a huge disaster.

The "Where Have You Been for the Last 100 Minutes?" Rose: The increasingly-elusive Chris Harrison. For reasons that are still unclear, BB was emotionally devastated by Kaycie's visit, and needed some tough love from CH. He got a shoulder slap and a "good luck, man." I think Chris knew what was coming, as we all did. Lindzi and, you guessed it, Courtneythemodel, are your final two.

Farewell, Nicki. BB always looked his stupidest with you.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Next week we have the much beloved the Bitches are Back reunion show, and then I'll meet you here in two weeks for the final horror: To Whom Will BB Present A Gaudy Neil Lane Ring???*



*Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's going to be Courtneythemodel too.