Dancing with the "Stars" Novitiates Announced

So here's another of my dirty little secrets: I have recently become obsessed with Dancing with the Stars, mainly due to a little blonde number. More on him later. We'll leave the question of whether this is more or less embarrassing than my Bachelor/ette problem to a later date. In a ceremony rivaling Bella's wedding in over-the-topness, the current crop of D-listers lining up to humiliate themselves in the ballroom was announced this morning. So you didn't have to, I watched the whole damn thing.

Ladies first:

Gladys Knight sans Pips. The sixty-seven-year-old music legend will be tarnishing her legacy with wickedly cute Irishman Tristan McManus.





Melissa Gilbert whom I could have sworn was already on this show. The former LH on the P star has the (mis)fortune of being paired with Wax, um, Maks Chmerkovskiy.




Katherine Jenkins, an opera singer giving truth to the diva stereotype by not showing up for the cattle call. She'll be partnered by Mark Ballas, aka, Derek's BFF.





Maria Menounos is apparently an "actress" and "best-selling author." She is also currently my favorite, as she will be dancing with Derek Hough, my age-inappropriate Mormon boyfriend, who stole the ceremony by thrusting out his right leg in a pitch-perfect display of "Jolie-ing."





Martina Navratilova is a tennis goddess, who will probably eat her partner, Tony Dovolani (aka Dancing Mark Ruffalo) for breakfast.

Sherri Sheperd from "The View" has already distinguished herself as "the sassy one." She'll be dancing with Val Chmerkovskiy, aka, Wax Jr.





Now the gentlemen: 

Jack Wagner, former star of soaps both daytime and night, and perpetual crush object of my mother. He'll be getting in the way of Anna Trebunskaya.






Gavin DeGraw is a singer who got memorably beat up earlier this year. After this career decision, I'm sure that will never happen again. He's paired with last season's champ, Karina Smirnoff.





Donald Driver is apparently a football player, and it looks like he's got some moves. The awesomely named Peta Murgatroyd will show us for sure.








Roshon Fegan is the obligatory Disney Channel star.  He'll be dancing with Chelsie Hightower, whom I love.





William Levy is too sexy for this ceremony. He also didn't show, leaving his partner, Cheryl Burke, standing awkwardly in the middle of the stage with Derek's BFF.





Jaleel White to whom I wish the best of luck not being referred to as "Urkel" for the rest of his natural life, no matter how buff he's gotten (which is pretty buff). He'll be dancing with Kym Johnson.

 See you on Monday, March 19th for the two-hour premiere!