Monday, May 14, 2012

Liveblogging Dancing with the "Stars": Four on the Floor

As we return to the ballroom in a Roshon- and Wax-less world, we're down to four ass-shakers. And apparently finding last week's celebration of sexual deviancy too hard to top, we're apparently theme-free tonight.

William "I'm very handsome" Levy and Cheryl, part 1: Tangoing up a storm to "Sweet Dreams." Not a fan of Cheryl's palazzo pants, nor of William's scarecrow-esque body posture. He's not moving a bit. The judges call him more than a pretty face, and then proceed to praise nothing but his looks, and criticize his dancing. Seems about right. Carrie Ann: 9; Len: 9; Bruno: 10 (seriously?)

Katherine and Ballas, part 1: After pulling his pants off in practice, we'll see if Katherine can leave Ballas clothed for the entirety of their quick step. Well, it's not so much quick, but at least technically competent. The judges are into it and they got a standing ovation, but they hand those out like Christmas candy.  CA: 10; L: 9; B: 10. I think we officially have score inflation here on Dancing with the Stars.

Donald and Peta, part 1: Oooh--a dramatic waltz. It's quite pretty. I think the waltz is easier for the male "stars" since the girls are the ones who have to worry about hold and their shoulders and whatnot. Of course, Donald does have to worry about his feet, which aren't great. They're sort of stutter-stepping. Which Carrie Ann mentions. Len mentions his head. Will Bruno like any part of his body? He likes his "line." Guess that counts. Scores after the break. CA: 9; L: 9; B: 10. Apparently Bruno is all 10s all the time, this counts as sort of a dip for them.

Derek and Whoever, part 1: As my fellow readers of supermarket tabloids know, Derek and his cackling partner were recently photographed in a Las Vegas pool where he was wearing sunglasses that matched her bathing suit. Yes. It's nauseating. Derek is having trouble with the choreography, and Whoever advises him to "shift his mind." He looks as confused by that advice as I am. Then she starts crying. He's used to that. Argentine Tango with a tricksy going down the stairs move. She looks a little frozen through the hips and torso--sort of like Derek is dancing with the doll from Lars and the Real Girl. And they maybe kissed at the end? It was hotter than when he made out with her chin earlier in the season. Let's see if anything is revealed during the post-dance interview. She describes them as "bonded." Like they are a pet sitter. CA: 10; L: 10; B: 10. I typed Bruno's before he even revealed it.

Oh Jesus. We will be hearing about the experiences that shaped the stars' lives tonight. Spare me.

Handsome Levy and Cheryl, part 2: His trauma: poverty in Cuba. Not his trauma: not being the best looking of his siblings, by far. They will be dancing the samba, with what looks like a Lion King theme. Hey, Levy is moving his hips! Nice. He's pretty much killing this. Now don't you wish you had saved your 10, Bruno? Bruno informs us that we have entered the pleasure zone. He's going to hold up every paddle he has. Cheryl seems to be gesturing towards her chest as if to indicate there was some flashing going on. Nobody noticed, because of the Levy hip situation. CA: 10; L: 10; B: oh, you know.

Katherine and Ballas, part 2: Her trauma: So far, being from a pretty Welsh town. Levy is winning. Next: almost instant success. That's gotta be tough. Looks like it's going to be a break-up. Yeah--that's totally it. She broke up with her boyfriend named, incidentally, "Geffen." Cry me a river, blondie. We've got a semi-offensive snake charmer salsa situation happening here. This routine so far looks like a rip-off of Derek's Bollywood thing from last week. They are out of sync. It's going to take a lot for Bruno to give them his obligatory 10 tonight. Oh, and she effed up big at the end. And is now having some sort of physical and emotional breakdown. Geffen is never going to want to get back together with her now. CA: 9; L: 9; B: 9.

Donald and Peta, part 2: His trauma: poverty in Texas. Aw, and he super loves his wife. I hope he wins. I bet if he does anything approximating dancing in this number, Len will give him a 10. This is why you save your 10s, BRUNO. And he's got mad charisma during their samba. I don't want to get all gushy, but he can act with his face when he dances--the dancing equivalent of moving without the ball. It's like the girl from Center Stage. Which I need to re-watch, by the way. CA: 10; L: 9 (seriously???); B: 10.

Derek and Whoever, part 2: Her trauma: Having working-class parents. Bo-ring. Wait, someone they're interviewing is identified as her "boyfriend." Hold the phone: I thought she was banging Derek?  Maybe their jive will clarify things. In spite of myself, I like this. Derek is a really good dancer. Which is sort of a witless comment, but true. This is the first dance he's done all season that I was really 100% into, in a "Rikki Lake and Derek do the tango to the Psycho theme" sort of way. CA: 10; L: 9; B: 10.

Well, I think broken-backed Katherine might be in trouble tomorrow.

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