Monday, May 7, 2012

Liveblogging Dancing with the "Stars": TRIO DANCE (?) NIGHT

What is Trio Dance Night, you ask? I haven't a clue. It sounds vaguely like a threesome. Should be an interesting night in the ballroom. No matter what happens, Jerkel won't be a part of it. Jaleel and Kym got axed last week, which officially surprised me and vaguely bummed me out. Kid could dance. Better than, say, MELISSA GILBERT. (Sorry, Mom.) To be sure we'll all be ready to watch the train wreck that will be Bachelorette Emily in a couple weeks, two "stars" are on the chopping block tonight. I'm pretty sure Donald dropped an un-censored F-bomb during rehearsal. Let's get this party started.

Donald and Peta: Dance 1: Tango to a pretty limp "Higher Ground." Oh, he said "tough." Disappointing. Dance is not disappointing, however. He's got mad flexibility for an athlete. Open hips, loose hamstrings. Again I say--he yogas. The judges are giddy. AND HOLD THE EFFING PHONE, SO AM I. Tomorrow is the one night I look most forward to in a Dancing season: It's Kenny Mayne and Dance Center!!! The scores are almost an afterthought at this point, but here they are: Carrie Ann: 9; Len: 9; Bruno: 9. What does Donald have to do to get a 10? Cure cancer during the tango?

Derek and Whoever: Whoever is wearing a tissue-paper dress the likes of which Michael Kors absolutely loathes on Project Runway. It is ombre, though, which is nice. They're dancing the Viennese Waltz, which I love. Well, they're trying to. Man, I don't know if these two are actually going out or if it's a Rock Hudson/Doris Day situation, but they're really pushing these two. And if it gets them more votes, I'm fine with it. Sex it up, guys. The dance is lacking in luster for me. It felt perfunctory and forced, much like any relationship between them would probably be. GOD, she's crying. Ridiculous. And Carrie Ann just used the phrase "very unique," which is a pet peeve of mine. Scores after the break. Derek just apologized for being a jerk during rehearsal. Derek, you never need to apologize. CA: 10; L: 8; B: 10. WOW, they're split.

Melissa Gilbert and Wax: Wax is swearing up a STORM. It's pretty awesome, actually. The only thing non-censored he said was "three." It is Trio Dance Night! Fox Trot. They botch like the very first steps. Melissa got NO HOLD. She's flopping around like Loki after the Hulk got a hold of him. Wax shrugged after they finished. Just the ringing endorsement you want. Well, CA is saying that she looked "relaxed." Floppy, I say. Scores after the break. Wax is also apologizing, but it sounds completely insincere. And he wiped away what Brooke assumed was a tear but was actually sweat. That's fun. CA: 8; L: 8; B: 8.

Katherine and Ballas: I'm not a fan of any Ballas costume that doesn't showcase the ink. Just putting that out there. But oooh, Viennese Waltz. They're trying to do this little twirl thing and she keeps wiping them both out. Oh, the way this is styled, it looks like a lame dance interpretation of an elderly society matron having an affair with a newsboy. It's pretty, but they're not bringing the sexy. At least she didn't sweep the leg. And they inexplicably keep dance acting well after the music ends. Len just called the twirl thing the "spinny thing." Either way, neither of us like it. The judges are fighting with each other and not talking to the camera, and Bruno looks like he's about to cut a bitch. Trio Night brings out the worst in everyone. Scores after the break.

Wait a minute--they have completely raped Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon for an intel ad. That's depressing.

Okay, we're back. No one is apologizing, crying, or sweating. CA: 8; L: 9; B: 9.

Baby Roshon and Chelsie: Fox trot. That doesn't necessarily require a man, so maybe they'll do okay. Oddly, Roshon's grandmothers just showed up at rehearsal. One of them is actually being pretty harsh, which I like. Ugh. Props. That doesn't bode well. Remember Gavin DeGraw's canoe? You know, I think he's just one of those people who look awkward all the time, whether they're moving correctly or not. Chelsie is trying to choreograph around it, and with a cutesie dance like this it sort of works, but he needs to go home. The thought of this brat doing the Paso chills my blood. The judges are pleased. Scores after the break. CA: 10 (wtf?); L: 9; B: 10 (wtmf?)

William "I'm very handsome" Levy and Cheryl: Levy gave Cheryl some flowers, and she replied that the perfect birthday gift would be nailing . . . the two dances. I'm rooting for these two to get it on. In front of a cheesy silk screen of Paris--dancing the fox trot. Hey--this is kind of sexy and fun. Carrie Ann is again totally out of control. All she's saying is "hot and sexy." CA: 10 (of course); L: 10 (wow!); B: 10 (natch). I do think they were the best of the night.

Next up--the mysterious "trio dance." Yeah, it's totally like a three-way. Each pair gets to pick a third pro to, ahem, join them.

Donald and Peeta and Karina: Jive. A few wardrobe malfunctions, but it's fun. Though having two professionals (anything I type sounds like a sexual euphemism during Trio Dance Night) sort of showcases how much better they are than the "star." Donald did just leapfrog over both of them (sigh), which was athletic, if nothing else. Bruno has just made the first threesome joke. We are kindred spirits. Scores, and Derek in harem pants, after the break. CA: 10; L: 9; B: 9. They just will not give him a triple 10!

Derek and Whoever and Henry:  Derek and Henry are wearing pants last seen on Yul Brenner in The King and I. Okay, Derek is being sort of innovative and doing Bollywood. That's a good idea. Okay, this is really rad. It's geniusly choreographed, which is what D does best. Since she's a crap dancer, it failed, but as a dance, it's great. I wish a better dancer had done it. Oooh, Len hated it. He's judging the samba, not a Bollywood number. This is so Strictly Ballroom! After the break, scores, and Wax and Mini-Wax double-teaming Melissa. This is getting really perverse. CA: 9; L: 7; B: 9. That was almost bound to happen.

Melissa and Wax and Mini-Wax: Wax and his bro are just totally dancing together. You know, I don't hate this. The shiny-chested brothers like each other way more than either of them like Melissa, and actually look happy when they're dancing. And now the sexual innuendos aren't even really innuendos. Carrie Ann called her the cream filling in a Cherminiokhsky sandwich, and Bruno added that it takes two men to get the best out of Melissa. CA: 9; L: 9; B: 9.

Katherine and Ballas and Tristan:  Nothing wrong with this combo. Tattoos aplenty. The fools are wearing suits. But also sunglasses. MAJOR wardrobe malfunction. One cuff of her tearaway pant, well, didn't so much. She kicked it off, but now it's in the middle of the floor like a sprained ankle waiting to happen. Yikes. The men do end up handcuffed together, though, so that's delightful. That was high concept but not so great in execution. Next, and I shit you not, Baby Roshon is dancing the effing paso. My worst fears realized. They have lost the handcuff key, just by the way. Strange things are afoot at the ballroom. CA: 10; L: 9; B: 10.

Baby Roshon and Chelsie and Sacha:  They picked Sacha because he's "good at being masculine." He's like the pinch man for the dance. The paso is about sexually charged anger. So your balls sort of need to have descended. Sorry Roshon. His "masculine" expression looks a lot like Blue Steel. I'm just sad for the paso right now. Yuck. CA: 9; L: 9; B: 9. Whatever.

Levy and Cheryl and Dancing Mark Ruffalo: Ooh, a paso with these three? Yes, please. Smoke machine. Levy is dressed like Zoro. All good so far. You know, I was skeptical about the capes, but they are WORKING. And this is how you do an effing paso--you're supposed to touch. That was pretty hot. I would really enjoy having a dress like Cheryl's. Carrie Ann is talking about Levy's pelvis. Natch. CA: 9; L: 9; B: 9. Fair enough.

Do yourself a favor and tune in for Dance Center tomorrow with Kenny. You'll be glad you did.

No comments:

Post a Comment