Monday, January 14, 2013

Liveblogging The Bachelor: First Dates

So despite our fondest wishes, Bachelor Sean didn't just propose to someone last week on the first night and get this all over with. Though he was handing out roses like Christmas candy. So I suppose we must continue the charade. I remember none of the women, and honestly barely remember Sean, so let's get reacquainted with the vapid narcissists, shall we?

7:00 A recap of the weeping and posturing from last week, and a preview of the "dating' (i.e., bungee jumping, making out, and catfighting) to come tonight.

7:01 We open with Sean working out and showering. Ew. Then Chris Harrison, wearing a quite unflattering shirt and ill-fitting jeans, assures the ladies that one of them will soon be engaged to Sean. Thanks for that, Chris. He hands out the date cards, and helpfully suggests they "wrestle" over them. Sarah, who I feel bad for calling the girl with one arm, has the first one-on-one date. AND . . . we have the first helicopter of the season. Drink!

7:03: Kacie, who you might remember from Ben's season, feigns surprise that there is a helicopter, as if she's never been on The Bachelor before.

7:05 Sarah deems this experience (i.e., riding in a helicopter with a man she barely knows) "the biggest dream of her life come true." That's a shame.

7:09 Okay, so he's going to make the one-armed girl free fall off a three-hundred foot building. How . . . romantic? Why do they always make these people jump mindlessly into open space? Is it indicative of a suicidal death wish inherent in The Bahcelor project itself? Is this Freud's death drive in reality TV action?

7:11 Sarah has no emotional inflection in her voice. It's annoying. Sean's all "Sarah's freaking out," but I see no evidence of that.

7:13 They jump. They don't die. They drink.

7:19 Sarah shares a boring story about going to Vegas and being unable to zip line because of her arm. The director helpfully cuts to her arm. Sean's eyes are glazing over. It all ends with Sean pledging to protect her. At least until around week 3, I'm guessing.

7:22 We've got an enormous group date on the docket. Tierra establishes herself as The Bitch on the show by trotting out the old sawhorse, "I'm not here to make friends."

7: 24 Sean and Sarah are back on a rooftop. Is he going to make her jump off again? No. He's giving her a rose. Sean shares that it's been a long time since he's "connected with someone like this" on a first date. Really? I don't think he said five words in a row.

7:29 Ugh. These group dates are so awkward. Especially when it's The Bachelor--it's like Orpheus and the Maenads. Some of these girls don't appear to be wearing pants at all. The "date" is much like one many of us have had before--a cover shoot for Harlequin Romance.

7:34 The first group are posing for a cowboy-themed romance novel. The horse looks as bored as I am. Some girl (Lesley maybe?) kissed Sean and the rest of the girls are pissed. They vow to up the ante. This could conceivably become a porn shoot.

7:39 I went to feed the cat. Looks like the model won the challenge, and now, naturally, it's time for a pool party.

7:43 I'm expecting the claws to come out at the pool party. In an extremely poorly-lit room, Sean asks Lesley why she's there. Lesley says for love. Apparently not for kissing, since they don't manage to make that happen despite high-school-esque body language fails. As an aside, you know what I don't like about Sean? His blonde eyebrows.

7:46 Lesley, crippled by regret, gives it another try. This time, they connect, kiss-wise. Great. Whatever.

7:48 Kacie from Before accounts for her decision to submit herself to this charade yet again. Sean agrees to move her from the "Friend Zone." There's a relief. It's also sort of funny how the other girls ask Kacie about the details of the show--like, "when does he hand out the rose?" Because she knows. Because she was rejected before.

7:53 Catherine drops the line "I'm vegan but I love the beef," which is apparently the funniest thing Sean has ever heard. As he chats, the other girls decide they hate Tierra (which is what she wants) and Kate (the yoga instructor who looks like she could not be less into this).

7:57 Inexplicably, there are still girls left at the house. Some girl named Desiree is going on the next one-on one. Meanwhile, back at the pool party with no visible pool, the rose has still not been handed out.

7:59 Kacie, in a sly move, basically talks Katie out of staying on the show. She has been on this show before. And it WORKS. Katie is gone and gone. Man, watch out for Kacie. Who's she going to eliminate next?

8:01 Sean is finally fondling the rose. He's handing it out to Kacie for having the "courage" to do this twice. Kacie is One to Watch. Damn. She turned her previous rejection into a rose, and single-handedly narrowed the field.

8:06 So apparently Chris and Sean are going to punk Desiree. Again I say, that's so . . . romantic? they set up a fake art exhibit, rigged one of the fake pieces to smash, and blame her. I never thought the free fall date would be the most normal, but there we have it.

8:09 This is allegedly to find out if Desiree "has a sense of humor" and "can take a joke." I think what we're really going to find out that "Sean is a sadist."

8:10 As an aside, it's hilarious to see what Bachelor producers think contemporary art/artists look like. And the fake piece that's going to explode is called "Poulet et petit," which, though my French is rusty, I believe means "the chicken and the small." And no one mentions that.

8:11 According to the fake gallery owner, the small chicken art is supposed to be the artist's response to "the Chernobyl disaster." You canNOT make this stuff up.

8:12 Okay, so the chicken thing falls off the wall, when Desiree is nowhere near it. How is she supposed to think this is her fault? Worst prank ever.

8:13 The fake "artist," who looks like a homeless Colin Ferrell, is about to go Method and slap Desiree for ruining his art. I think the only person who we're pretty sure doesn't have a sense of humor is Sean. He reveals that everyone is actors. This is the Worst Date Ever.

8:19 Sean cooks meat and an enormous stalk of broccoli, so all is forgiven. I think Desiree secretly wishes she went home with Homeless Colin Ferrell.

8:21 Sean and Desiree bond on how their parents are "exactly alike." That's kind of a genetically uncertain road to go down, kids.

8:25 So that seems like a success. Apparently Desiree has all the qualities of his future wife. Isn't into art-lovers or French-speakers, apparently.

8:30 Time for the Cocktail Party of Doom. I hope somebody cries!

8:32 Sean pulls aside Wedding Dress Girl, who got no date this week. She shares that her father is a general, which is "wild" and "awesome." She also predicts that "beauty fades." Sean threatens to "lose his hair" and "get fat." Lindsey sees his lose his hair and get fat. Sean is smitten.

8:35 There's a new girl to hate on the radar! Amanda is sitting on the couch, scowling, and refusing to speak. That's a novel approach.

8:36 "Tonight is a tornado of negativity waiting to happen" says random girl whose name I don't know. From your mouth to God's ear.

8:40 Much like last night's (excellent) season 2 premiere of Girls, Robin calls attention to the fact that there has been much criticism of The Bachelor for not being culturally diverse, and that this season seems to be consciously addressing that. She asks him, basically, if he's attracted to African American girls. Sean responds that he has dated Hispanics and Persians. Robin is satisfied.

8:44 And we have our first accusation that Amanda "isn't here for the right reasons." Drink!

8:45 Amanda transforms into Dr. Jekyll once Sean pulls her aside for a chat. The girls fume, and vow to expose her true colors to Sean. Desiree looks like she's on the verge of tears at Amanda's deception. Chris intercedes before the girls can expose her duplicity with the announcement that it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Which two are going to get axed?

8:51 God, rose ceremonies are long and boring in these first few weeks. It's always fun to look for the girl that I'm certain I've never seen before and has just walked in off the street, though.

8:55 So Amanda Who Everyone Hates got the last rose, and two girls who were "ready for love" get dismissed. OH! One of them is the woman with two kids.

8:58 Next time . . . (when I will be in New York so you Bachelor fans are on your own for a week), we have more making out, more back-stabbing, and what looks like some sort of assault that puts someone (looks like Tierra) in a neck brace. I'll see you in a couple weeks!


  1. Now several weeks later, Sean has enjoyed himself while girl after girl is carried off in an ambulance. His love of practical "jokes" and extreme sports should make these ladies run to the nearest exit. He claims these games will help them to conquer their fears. You have him pegged correctly...a sadist.

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