Monday, January 7, 2013

Liveblogging The Bachelor

Has your television viewing experience felt a little bereft of cocktail parties and rose ceremonies lately? Well, Sean the Frankenbachelor is here to satisfy your guilty pleasure/hate watching needs.

Yeah. They picked this guy.

You might remember Sean as the dude who got dumped by Emily last season. Or possibly not. But either way, he and his pecs are meeting twenty-five emotionally stunted and cognitively challenged ladies who are almost certainly lying about their age, all vying to be the girl who will share a People magazine cover with him six months from now, detailing their break-up. Want to get in on the ground floor of this train wreck? Let's liveblog, shall we?

6:56 My wine is poured, my loins are girded, and my snark is engaged. Which I'm guessing Sean won't be for long after the conclusion of this ill-begotten reality show. But still, I watch. And I self-loathe.

6:58 The previews. We have kissing, the first mention of "fairy tale" (drink!) and lots and lots of heavy eye make-up.

6:59 Sean is bitching about being dumped by Emily. Cry me a river, S. Looks like you dodged a bullet with that one. And in the preview, the girls are crying and fighting, and referencing "dark forces" in the house. AWESOME. Is Voldemort one of the contestants?

7:00 Girls are getting carried off on stretchers and calling each other "plagues." This could be a really good season.

7:03 Overlong and boring recap (is there any other kind?) of Emily's Bachelorette season.

7:04 God has another plan for Sean. I don't think any god would be so cruel as to make an appearance on *this* show part of any beloved believer's plan.

7:12 Ari, a fellow loser from Emily's season, is hanging out with Sean, wearing possibly the ugliest shirt I've ever seen. They call each other "dude" a lot and Ari dispenses with kissing advice after Sean practices his "Will you accept this rose" line on him and they make jokes about spending a night together in the Fantasy Suite. Isn't this supposed to be a dating show? Or are they into each other? That would be rad, actually.

7:17 After the break, we finally get to meet the women. Though I suspect I'll soon be nostalgic for these moments before they showed up.

7:18 First online dating commercial. Drink!

7:22 Sean is dressed like "Mr. Bland" from Reservoir Dogs to meet the chicks. Chris Harrison, who you might remember got divorced during the course of the last season, thereby proving the Bachelor toxicity spreads like a zombie virus, destined to infect us all.

7:24 Boring "meet the bitches" segment. I'm going to go get some Fritos and cheese dip.

7:25 It's kind of funny to see these girls pretend they know who the interviewer is talking about when they say "the Bachelor is Sean."

7:28 There is one girl who has two kids and one girl with one arm. And another one who is basing her strategy on her favorite novel, Fifty Shades of Grey, and articulates a hope that Sean will pull off her clothes and spank her. And someone who spells her name AshLee. So this is happening.

7:31 Crap. There's a model. I think we all remember the last model we had on this show.

Yeah. Her.
7:38 Here comes the first limo. God help us all. First up is AshLee, who, judging by her interview, cries. A lot. And a cosmetics consultant. What does that even mean? Ah--it means she puts on lipstick and plants one right on Sean's cheek. Which he doesn't care to wipe off. Charming. But the next chick up pulls a handkerchief out of her cleavage and takes care of it. Again I say, charming.

7:40 Boring, boring, boring. Girl with a secret handshake. Boring boring boring. Time for limo 2.

7:42 Someone from Nashville with unevenly curled hair is singing a sort of embarrassing song about the two of them. But her hair is put into perspective by Katie, the yoga instructor, whose hair has unfortunately exploded. Maybe they can both consult with Other Ashlee, the Fifty Shades fan and hairdresser. She pulls a tie out of her cleavage, and asks Sean to teach her how to "use it" later. Sean looks equal parts confused and terrified.

7:44 Sean is now thanking girls "for coming." I think he's having a stroke. Out of limo 3 comes a girl doing backflips who totally face plants. Well played. Oh God, a graduate student. Followed by a Jumbotron Operator! Now there's something you don't see every day. And a girl from Denver--holla! Faced with Tierra from Colorado, Sean has now left the premises. That must be some kind of record.

7:52 And in what will be the first in what I'm sure will be a series of bad decisions, Sean decides to give Tierra a rose, based solely on the fact that she's wearing a ring with a heart on it. As you might imagine, this makes the other girls just love her.

7:54 Limo 3 must be where they put all the boring girls. I mean, pennies to throw in the fountain? Let's have our awkward pause now so we won't have it later? Please. This is The Bachelor, ladies. Bring your psycho A game. Here comes limo 4. I have high hopes. . .

7:57 That are so far going unrealized. The most interesting thing about these girls is how they managed to dress inappropriately for an event that I thought impossible to dress inappropriately for.

7:58 Lesley brought a football. For apparently no reason, as she just gave it to Sean and didn't throw it or anything.

7:59 A girl in limo 5 threatens to "pee her pants," which is promising. It's the model from Wisconsin. Eh. Now we have a DEAD RINGER for Whitley from A Different World! And a girl who threatens to visit mafia violence upon Sean if he doesn't pick her. There's a novel approach. And, last but not least, we have the girl from the previews who showed up in a wedding dress. She calls herself a "prankster." Methinks she's a leading contender for the "restraining order" rose.

8:02 A surprise contestant! The only inhabitant of limo 6 is . . .  to be revealed after the break. Will it be Emily? Will it be Chris's ex-wife? The suspense is killing me!

8:06 It's . . . someone I don't recognize at all. Who is that? Why is no one telling me who she is? Everyone is acting like I should. I feel like I've taken crazy pills! Is she from Bachelor Pad? Ah--my mother has solved the mystery. She was on Bachelor Ben's season, and her crazy fundamentalist parents ix-nayed the en-Bay. Apparently they were totally cool with the drunken hedonism that is The Bachelor Pad, but whatever.

8:10 Sean gives some b.s. toast about being open-minded or whatever. Forget that. Let the drama begin!

8:12 The wedding dress designer admits to not ever watching Sean on The Bachelor. Sean, naturally, responds by giving her a rose. He is nuts with these roses. I don't think he gets how the show works. It's not like the soccer tournaments where everybody gets a trophy for trying.

8:20 Ah--so Sean is eschewing the rose "ceremony" and just handing them out as he goes along. This seems a shaky strategy, as maybe he should talk to all of them first? But what do I know? Sean knows that he's not into Whitley. Who does sort of talk like her jaw is wired together, so maybe that's a turn-off.

8:22 Wedding dress girl is wasted and worried he didn't "get" the wedding dress "joke." Now she's making him dance and sing. This is officially the first meltdown of the evening. Surprisingly, no rose for her.

8:25 The show is now threateningly to go NC-17 with Fifty Shades oddly dancing and muttering in the background while Sean talks to another girl, and promising to try out some BDSM action at the first cocktail party. Sean informs her he's brought a rape whistle. She's also way drunk, but since she's not in a wedding dress, he's sort of into it.

8:31 One girl is refusing to "compete." She strikes me as a girl who will be going home later. This is, after all, a competition. Apparently, she has no problem with crying, though. 

8:34 The Bachelor is like a social Darwinist's wet dream.That is, if you define "evolution" as "survival of the dumbest and bitchiest."

8:36 Sarah with one arm is explaining about how she has one arm. And she's doing it in a remarkably mature and honest way. So there's no way she's going to last long on this show, which doesn't value such qualities.

8:43 First Rose Ceremony! How many could he possibly have at this point? Two? I hope some of the drunker girls pass out.

8:44 Now comes the part of the show when a bunch of girls whose names I have not bothered to learn get rose, aka, the part of the show where I play around on Facebook.

8:48 Drunk girl in wedding dress = in. Whitley, random blonde girl #1, random blonde girl #2, Bachelor Pad alumna/Jumbotron operator, girl with horrible fake tan who sang = out.

8:51 First mention of "love journey." Drink!

8:56 Highlights. Using the term loosely. We've got bungee jumping and helicopters and musical guests of questionable quality. We've got beaches and mountains and making out. We've got cat fights and and accusations that someone has a boyfriend and is not there "for the right reasons." And . . . roller derby? Neck braces? And crying. Lots and lots of crying. Join me on this love journey, won't you?

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