If you're at all interested in popular fiction and/or Twilight fanfic, you've heard that Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James, an, ahem, adult spin on Edward and Bella's romance, has positively exploded the bestseller lists like the YA series from which it took its inspiration. Because I'm a tireless soldier in the campaign to keep our readers abreast of pop culture, no matter how crappy it might be, I'm totally reading it, y'all. You know--so you won't have to. I'm not that far into the surprisingly (and dismayingly) lengthy novel (510 pages), but I can already tell that it's going to be epically bad. So rather than give you all a review when I'm finished, I decided to share some of the choicer lines on a more frequent basis. And don't worry--I'll keep it SFW, though I'm not sure how a book that opens with this much cheese could possibly get truly raunchy.
What you need to know: The Bella is named Anastasia "Ana" Steele, a college student who fills in for her roommate for an interview with Seattle (Pacific Northwest locale! Wonder if they'll travel to Forks) business magnate and millionaire Christian Grey. I have ascertained that Christian is attractive, because the prose describes him thusly: "attractive, very attractive"; an "Adonis"; having "overwhelming good looks"; "no one should be this good-looking"; and "very, very good-looking." He's also arrogant and a control freak. My evidence? While interviewing him, Ana internally narrates "he's so arrogant" and "holy crap, he's arrogant." She informs him he "sounds like a control freak" then comments silently "control freak" (italics James's) twice. He also has "blazing eyes." And "penetrating eyes." And "burning eyes." And an "intense gaze." And a "penetrating gaze." Our heroine shares Bella's proclivity for clumsiness, and for murmuring. She murmurs three separate times in the first sixteen pages. But the quote of the day?
Though I was tempted to go with the astute commentary on Christian's office artwork that Ana offers, completely bewitching the urban sophisticate--"They're lovely. Raising the ordinary to extraordinary"--I decided instead on this passage, describing Ana tripping and falling into Christian's office:
Double crap--me and my two left feet! I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey's office, and gentle hands are around me, helping me to stand. I am so embarrassed, damn my clumsiness. I have to steel myself to glance up. Holy cow--he's so young. . . . If this guy's over thirty, then I'm a monkey's uncle. In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake. As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me. Must be static.
Must be, Ana. Must be. Or double crap and holy cow, I'm a monkey's uncle.