Monday, April 9, 2012

Liveblogging Dancing with the Stars: ROCK WEEK

At long last, I am home to liveblog Dancing with the Stars. Last week we lost Jack Wagner. This week, KISS is further cementing their irrelevancy by opening "Rock Week" on the show.

7:00-I guess the make-up makes it impossible for us to see how badly they've aged.

7:01-Have you ever seen the sequel to Saturday Night Fever, Staying Alive, where Tony Manero gets a role in the Broadway play that requires him to descend into Hell itself? That's what these costumes/dance number looks like.

7:02-The judges have little score cards that go to 11. I'm insulted on the behalf of Spinal Tap. Oh, and KISS is going on tour with Motley Crue, AND they'll be back tomorrow night. Yikes.

7:03- KISS WON'T leave. It's awkward. And speaking of awkward, Derek has some sort of faux-hawk.

7:04-The Walk of Shame: These costumes aren't saying "rock" to me so much as "Halloween at Studio 54."

7:06-I can't WAIT to hear what the Dancing idea is of "the greatest rock hits of all time."

7:07-Didn't have to wait long--first up after the break is Sherri Shepherd and Val Shmerwhatever tangoing to Quiet Riot. I can only assume it's "Cum [sic] on Feel the Noise."

7:09-Derek's partner has so far managed to break two ribs and a foot, according to the teaser. IF SHE CAUSES HIM TO BE ELIMINATED, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER.

7:13-And it is indeed, "CoFtN." As opposed to Quiet Riot's plethora of other hits.

7:14-Sherri does some convincing stripper moves at the beginning, then proceeds to barely move her feet during the tango itself. She also looks terrified, but her hair looks GREAT.

7:15-What is "tattooed" on Wax Jr.'s chest? Thug life?

7:16-The judges are mixed and overall lukewarm: C:7; L: 7; B: 7

7:23-Next up with the paso doble (excuse the spelling)-Katherine Jenkins (the opera singer everyone loves) and Mark Ballas (Derek's BFF). The Diva has a problem expressing "aggression," so they decide to make her box muay thai. She can't handle a person, so they move her to the prone blue dummy. They're dancing to "Time is Running Out," which is a radder song than "CoFtN."

7:26-Damn, she's pretty good.

7:27-Bruno just compared her to Storm in X-Men, because she was throwing her leg around haphazardly. Nice. All in all, the verdict is "wasn't bad," which is a fail for her. CA:8; L:8; B: 8. Remarkable consistency tonight, judges. Not very rock 'n' roll.

7:35-Jaleel White and Kym, who looks exactly like Taylor Swift tonight. Apparently he had a complete emotional breakdown last week after doing an interpretive dance meant to evoke the spirit of Steve Urkel. I can't tell you how sorry I am I missed that.

7:37-A tango to "Satisfaction." He got the moves like Jagger!

7:38-I would like to apologize to everyone for that Maroon 5 reference. There's no excuse. Especially since this is the slowest tango known to man. No one's got the feet for the tango.

7:39-Let's see if he cries again! The judges are impressed, but not overwhelmed. CA: 8; L: 7; B: 7.

7:40-Next up: Max Shmerkelnoky, aka, Wax (because of the chest!) and Melissa Gilbert. Wax has exposed a pretty hot rib cage tattoo. Ten bucks that it's of his own face.

7:47-They're doing the paso. Oy VEY Melissa Gilbert has had some bad lip work done.

7:48-I have no idea what this song is. Conquest? It is the least rock 'n' roll song I have ever heard. And they are NOT good. Wax almost fell down and the ending was off beat.

7:50-The judges are taking a lot of words to say "meh." CA: 7; L: 8; B: 7

7:58-Football player Donald Driver and Peeta are doing the paso to "Purple Haze." Promising. I hope they set fire to something.

7:59-During rehearsal, Donald does a quite convincing imitation of an old woman.

8:00-Wow, this is pretty good, though it doesn't seem like a classic paso. I bet he practices yoga. Her too.

8:02-Bruno is predictably taken with Daniel's bare chest. I don't think he mentions the actual dancing. The other judges are equally impressed. CA: 9; L: 9; B: 9--our highest score so far!

8:06-Tristan the hot Irishman with awesome arm tattoos and Gladys Knight are tangoing to "Bohemian Rhapsody." We'll see if she can do the FAN-DANG-O!

8:10-After considering this choice over the commercial break, it seems to me "BR" is going to be difficult to dance to. I mean, a rhapsody means a whole bunch of different beats.

8:11-Well this is equally horrifying and hilarious: the judges plus Tom are doing the "I'm just a little silhouette-ah of a man" part. It's distracting me from how stiff Gladys is. Not distracting me from Tristan's awesome arm tats, guy-liner, and black nail polish, however. 

8:12-Little Richard is totally in the audience. HOW HAS HE NOT BEEN ON THIS SHOW?

8:12-Oooh--the judges are nonplussed. CA: 7; L: 6; B: 7.

8:20-William Levy and Sheryl are dancing the jive to Twisted Sister "We're Not Gonna Take It Anymore." William assumes the band's name is an insult to his sister, so they bring in a random 80s band to school him in 80s hair metal. William asks who the "two ugly women" are. William is sort of freaking awesome. The hair band comment that he has "great thighs." The random hair band is not wrong.

8:22-He's a pretty charismatic dancer. They totally messed up part of the dance badly, but no one will ever vote this man off the show.

8:24-Len and company ravage them. They deserve it, but see above. CA: 7; L: 7; B: 8. See? They thought he sucked and he basically just skipped half of the steps, but they still outscored Gladys.

8:31-Roshon Fagan and Chelsea are doing the Viennese Waltz. He looks Eight. Years. Old. Like Chelsea is going to end up in the Metro crime report section of the paper for dancing with him.

8:33-Another song that I don't recognize and that is in no way rock 'n' roll. Despite their failure to participate in Rock Week through either song or dance selection, they're pretty good.

8:35-Bruno is very enthused, Carrie Ann thinks he's the best male dancer, and Len says "good job, dog." That's a home run. CA: 9; L: 8; B: 9.

8:38-I think Derek and his gimpy partner might be next. Even more exciting: The freaking Avengers preview. Is it May 4th yet?

8:41-There seems to be some sort of mini-Stonehenge hanging from the ceiling. That is not promising.

8:42-Derek and Maria are trying to tango to Alice Cooper's "School's Out" but she has broken feet. Bleh. Derek thinks they're going to be awesome, which makes me think they're going to suck.

8:43-They're fine, but the choreography seems sort of uninspired for Derek. Maybe he'll jazz it up at the end by kissing her chin again, like last week. The mini-Stonehenge plays no role at all. That's bizarre.

8:45-The judges are saying pretty good. Derek is carrying her because of her foot problem, which now I'm pretty sure she's faking. CA: 9; L: 8; B: 9.

8:51-We've almost made it now. Gavin DeGraw (who I keep thinking of as Bruno Mars) and Karina are tangoing to "Paint It Black," one of the most awesome songs ever. As an aside, Jennifer Love Hewitt is in the audience, and reveals she is cheering for [breathy voice] "Maks." They're perfect for each other. 

8:54-I would like to apologize to "Paint It Black." DeGraw looks like he has two dislocated shoulders and Maria's effed-up feet.

8:56-The judges are damning them with faint praise. "Determined" and "focused" are not compliments regarding someone's dancing skills. However, Carrie Ann just compared him to Johnny Depp. I'm waiting for lightning to strike her dead. Gavin pretty hilariously admits to his suckage, and I'm surprised by the scores. CA: 8; L: 8; B: 7.

My prediction: Gladys and Gavin in the bottom two, DeGraw goes home.

1 comment:

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