Monday, April 30, 2012

Liveblogging Dancing with the "Stars": CLASSICAL NIGHT

First of all, Classical Night? That doesn't sound too promising. Sounds damn boring. But whatever--in for a penny, in for a pound. Speaking of pounds, Gladys Knight allegedly lost 60 of them participating in the show, but that didn't save her from being booted last week, and taking Tattooed Tristan with her. Alas.

How they attempt to make "Classical Night" at all relevant: Some floppy-haired bastard (is that Joshua Bell?) playing the fiddle. This has disaster written all over it. EXCEPT: Now they just got all Dangerous Liasons up in here. Officially hot. Where's Malcatraz?  It was Joshua Bell, incidentally. Playing some Vivaldi. Whose birthday, I happen to know, is March 4th. SHIT: There's some Toddler in a Tiara singing an aria later tonight. The outfits tonight? Totally freaksome.

Katherine and Mark: Rumba-ing to Canon in D. Pachelbel, don't you know. Mark just said, "Can't spell classical without 'ass'." Nice. Tom Bergeron just said their wardrobe was from "Game of Thrones the Musical." Well played, sir. It's more like "300: The Musical," but whatevs--I appreciate the sentiment. Mark also has a sizable tattoo on his back. It's taking away some of the boredom from this tired-ass rumba. It doesn't work with Canon in D. AND he's got script on his ribcage! Mark is inked, y'all, and rising in my estimation. I remember precisely nothing about the dance. Len loves it, of course. Carrie Ann: 9; Len: 9; Bruno: 9. But their hearts weren't in those 9's.

Melissa and Wax: ArgenTINE Tango with Wax, who is injured? What of this?  He has a pompadour and an injured ankle. I'm not sure if the two are related. He's bringing in Mini-Wax, aka, Val, as a possible ringer. Oh, the drama. And OF COURSE, Wax totally showed. He's not going to miss an opportunity to wear such a fancy frock coat. They're dancing to "Marriage of Figaro," which works quite nicely--with better dancers. They're pretty much crap--not on beat. CA: 7; L: 7; B: 7. Oooh--like Cs in graduate school.

They keep pitching "Team Dances." Sounds lame.

William "I'm Very Handsome" Levy and Cheryl: They're dancing the Viennese Waltz (one of my favorites) to some live performer who looks like Kirstin Dunst in Interview with the Vampire. Levy is trying to convince us all he's "from the streets." And he, like Wax, has an ankle injury. Ankle injuries are so hot right now. The creepy child is singing "Ave Maria" in the voice of a 45-year-old woman. I am officially wigged. They are pumping in serious smoke so we won't notice Levy's terrible feet. Works for me--such a pretty dance. Carrie Ann is seriously crushing on Levy. She's out-slobbering Bruno. CA: 9; L: 9; B: 9.

Roshon and Chelsea: Roshon has, unfortunately, not hit puberty since last week, which is going to make this ArgenTINE tango--which depends on his masculinity--really awkward. They bring in Wax Jr. for man lessons. This is the blind leading the stupid. If I am not very much mistaken, they are dancing to an instrumental version of Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance." Classical composers everywhere just rolled over in their crypts. Dude! They just cut away! Did Roshon cop a masculine feel? Was there a wardrobe malfunction? Something happened that Len doesn't want to talk about. I'm intrigued. DAMN--Bruno just said "size isn't everything." BURN. CA: 9; L: 8; B: 8. The 9 is ridiculous, Carrie Ann.

Donald and Peta: Another Viennese Waltz! Delightful! They have another live performer, of whom I have never heard, singing "La Donna Mobile." An aria that is no less charming for being so sexist in translation! But, when are they going to stop sitting in thrones, sipping from goblets, and start dancing? Ah, here we go. Nice frame, Donald! I say 10. And I also want to do my hair like Peta's. 10+. CA: 9; L: 9; B: 9. They clearly didn't take the good hair into consideration.

Derek and Whoever:  The paso doble--my favorite dance. And she's crying like a baby because she's not attractive enough for him during rehearsal. She's not wrong. Oh for the love of Christ, they've got her as a vampire. The sacrilege. There's not enough anger in this paso--and that's even with me helping along here at home. Judges were into it, though. CA: 10 (!); L: 10(!!); B: 10 (!!!!!). Whatever--I wasn't feeling it, but that might be because I loathe her and every word she says. They just executed the most awkward "chest" bump I've ever seen, in that Whoever thought that their pelvises were actually what was supposed to bump.

Jaleel and Kym: Jerkel takes his turn at the Viennese Waltz, and totally grabs Kym's boob during rehearsal. Not exactly classy for Classical Night, J. He's also dressed like some sort of unreconstructed Nazi. Not sure what that's about. And they're dancing to the theme to Downton Abbey--a rad show, but not exactly a "classical" composition. Classical Night pretty much went out the window when Lady Gaga made her appearance, I guess. I would say this is the weakest of the VWs tonight. CA: 8; L: 8; B: 8.

All right--here comes the "Team Dance." I'm envisioning a Jets vs. Sharks scenario. Unfortunately, the eerie pod child is back to serenade before the dance-off begins. Oh look! It's Tristan!

Jets: Team Tango. They swear like sailors, and, hilariously, the show bleeps out the curses, yet renders them in subtitles as "****!" Now they're dancing. It is not at all like Jets vs. Sharks, as they go one at a time. Bummer. The judges are ambivalent. I don't really understand how this is scored, but here we go: CA: 10; L: 8; B: 9.

Sharks: Team Paso. They begin by deeming the other team, "Team Kindergarten." Snap. Wax is demonstrating the correct shirt-taking-off protocol for Donald and Levy. Typical. The performance is starting off very intense--there's fire and this piece of music I hear all the time and LOVE and have no idea what it is. But it's super sexytime--shirts are flying around like Christmas candy. I think the paso did a lot of the work for them, but I liked this one better. CA: 9; L: 8; B: 9.

I think Wax the Gimp and Melissa are in trouble tomorrow.

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