Monday, April 23, 2012

Liveblogging Dancing with the "Stars": MOTOWN NIGHT

First of all, Motown Night? Really? That doesn't scream "ballroom" to me, but whatever. I'm game. Oh, and Gavin "Bruno Mars" DeGraw got booted last week. Bummer. Please don't have the artist debasing him/herself be Smokey Robinson, please don't have the artist debasing him/herself be Smokey Robinson. . . .

Artist debasing him/herself: Shit. It's Smokey Robinson. Who is being played by wax model Smokey Robinson tonight. Damn, this is depressing. He still sounds great, though. And Martha Reeves. She still looks okay, but sounds wobbly and odd. Put them together, and you have a decent performance. Speaking of  . . .  The Temptations. Who look and sound EXACTLY THE SAME. Eerie. Now we have the walk of shame. All the couples are dressed in metallics this evening. How fashion forward. AND there's going to be a dance marathon tonight! Think they'll shoot somebody?

Gladys and Tattoed Tristan: Rumba to "My Girl." Someone has inexplicably costumed Tristan as if he were appearing in Revenge of the Nerds, Ireland edition. How very soulful. Obviously, they're making much hay of Gladys's own history with Motown Records. They dance after the break. . .

My cable just went out! NOOOOOO!!!!

I'm BACK, just in time to hear Roshon the Man-child call himself "sensual and sexy." I freaking doubt it.

According to my mom and aunt, Derek and what's-her-name will probably be safe.

Katherine the Diva and Derek's BFF Mark: They shall be dancing the samba to "Can't Get Next to You" During rehearsal, Mark just said Katherine felt "solid and contained" during their last performance. SEXUAL. As an aside, The Temptations are truly uncanny. Their voices haven't changed a bit. What devil have they bargained with? Beehived Katherine is owning her gold fringy, Beyonce in the "Crazy in Love" video dress. Their dance is a little uninspired, though, methinks. The judges thinks I am wrong. Carrie Ann, with short hair: 10 (WTF?); L: 9; B: 10 (WTF, again). I am clearly crap at judging the samba.

Donald and Peta: Foxtrot to "The Way You Do the Things You Do." During rehearsal, Peta brings in a standee of Len holding a 10 paddle for inspiration, and it looms in the back of the studio, like Hamlet's father. It's extremely creepy. Remember that "dead boy" that supposedly showed up in the background in "3 Men and a Baby"? It's like that. Performance: Donald's got great feet, y'all. He's looking a little stiff in the upper body, probably because Peta terrified him with that ghost Len. Oops, and he just stumbled a little, though didn't bust his ass like Wax a few weeks ago. So much for great feet. Judges like his charisma, and Len appears won over. CA: 9; L: 9; B: 9.

Melissa and Wax: Wax's chest is not exposed for this dance. The seventh seal has broken, Hell has frozen over, flocks of pigs are flying over Los Angeles right now. During rehearsal, Wax is swearing up a storm because Melissa's "legs are together." SEXUAL. Viennese Waltz after the break.

As my aunt has noted, there's a strange, white, ersatz Temptations group singing in the balcony to toss to commercial. To quote her again, "It's like there are four Michael Bubles up there."

Melissa and Wax, cont'd.: Oh God, Smokey's back. He hasn't blinked THIS ENTIRE SHOW. They're not doing too bad. Though I do love this dance, just by default. The judges also seem cautiously optimistic. CA: 8; L: 8; B: 8.

The Bubletions are singing my freaking FAVORITE Motown song, "I'll Be There." A travesty.

Jaleel and Kym: Trying to come back from being in the bottom two last week through the Cha Cha. Many a man has cha-chad their way to redemption, will Jerkel do the same? Well, this is an awesome song, too: "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." Reminds me of "The Big Chill." Jerkel is SELLING IT, and I'm buying. Go get it, Jaleel. Len is a fan, and in so saying, uses the expression "off the boil." I really enjoy that saying. CA: 10; L: 9; B: 10. Len has yet to ten anyone, but this ties them for the top tonight.

My mother insists Len HAS tenned someone, but I disagree. And I'm in charge of the blog, so I win.

William "I'm Very Handsome" Levy and Cheryl: Dancing the rumba tonight. Cheryl is all, we need to be sexy. Cheryl ain't no fool. Apparently, they literally set the studio on fire during rehearsal. Roshon was there with a fire extinguisher, because he's a Cub Scout. That's a tough act to match in performance. Shit, they've rolled out Smokey. Performance: ain't nothin' wrong with a little bump and grind, but I don't see much dancing skill here. The judges concur, with Len demonstrating his own superior "hip action," and Levy making a Viagra joke. It's a snake pit out there. CA: 9; L: 8; B: 10 (seriously, Bruno?)

Tom Bergeron just dropped a Fifty Shades of Grey joke. Well played, my friend.

They must be running short--Smokey in his pleather onesie and Mini-Wax are trotted out for "Tears of a Clown." When's the gd dance marathon?

GD Dance Marathon: There's some sort of complicated points scheme that I am paying no attention to. Basically, you get tapped out, like during the prom in Grease, or MMA. First out: Gladys and Tattoed Tristan. She's toast tomorrow. Maria and Derek are OUT. It's because he kept his shirt on. Roshon the Boy Genius and Chelsea are gone. I just saw the terrifying bouncer that "taps" the dancers. He looks like Jason Statham. Melissa and Wax are OUT. Donald and Peta gone. Three left. My attention is waning. Someone do something effed up. Jerkel and Kym out. So we have Levy, whose shirt is unbuttoned, and the opera singer. So Katherine and Mark won. That lacked luster, for me.

My prediction? Derek and Gladys will be in the bottom two next week. To my eternal regret.

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