Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Bachelorette Down! Bachelorette Down!

They are dropping like effing flies on The Bachelor. Some literally.

And there was shirtless skiing. Naturally.
It was truly rejection-palooza last night. My own rose ceremony would have proceeded as follows:

The Inappropriate Pop Culture Reference Rose: Bachelor Ben himself! While trekking up the Golden Gate Bridge with "Ph.D. Candidate" Emily, who happened to be afraid of heights, he reached out to her by quipping, "Talk to me, Goose." Though I found the Top Gun allusion pretty damn cute, it might not have been the best time to invoke a beloved character's horrific and untimely death after falling from a great height.

Followed by a scene that only takes place between Maverick and Goose in slash fic.

The She's Just Not That Into You Rose: After Brittney (you might remember her as the one who brought her grandma to opening night) got a one-on-one date card, she bounced. Before the date. I  mean, at least wait around to see if he's going to make you walk up the Golden Gate Bridge before you go.

She wheeled her "I'm outta here" suitcase right on into the party.
The Train Commemorative Your Band Will Never Recover From This Rose: Every season or so, a band will make a special appearance on a one-on-one date. This year, it was Matt Nathanson serenading Brittney Understudy and erstwhile First Impression Rose winner Lindzi with BB. His soulful singing didn't seem to work, though. BB laughed at Lindzi's verbatim recitation of the text her last boyfriend sent her to break up, though she's clearly still stewing about it. Welcome to the Friend Zone, Lindzi. Population: You.

Pictured: A career and a relationship going nowhere.

The I'm So Torn Rose: David Gray, who hung the moon, has apparently sold the rights to his wistful classic "This Year's Love" to The Bachelor. On the one hand, really David Gray?

I expected better.
 On the other, BB can play it on the piano, which is undeniably hot.

The Back from the Dead Rose: Shawntel from Big Brad's season! You might remember her as the funeral director who made Brad lay down on her embalming table.

She drove her ass to San Francisco to crash the cocktail party and ask BB to be on the show. The girls FREAKED. Blakeley has never been so happy--now she's not the one being insulted, with the ladies labeling Shawntel "Dumpster trash" and "Brad's leftovers." Though BB and Chris Harrison kept this to themselves, during their brief conversation, BB acknowledged that he and Shawntel had "talked" in the past. I think we can go ahead and substitute "hooked up" in that sentence.

The Is There a Doctor in the House (not you, Emily) Rose: Erika. Apparently the stress from Shawntel's unexpected appearance was a bit too much to handle on top of all that Spanx, Erika hit the deck in the middle of the Rose ceremony, As BB helpfully asked for water, "Ph.D. Candidate" Emily was on the case bringing orange juice. It is undetermined whether or not there was vodka in it.

Jenna's not looking so bad right about now, eh?

Quote of the Night Rose: Jaclyn for the delightful non sequitur "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'm going to throw up."

So BB threw us all a curve ball and sent home Lady Downfall Erika, Nauseous Jaclyn AND Master of the Macabre Jaclyn. Next week we're headed to Park City, Utah. The home of the Sundance Film Festival will never be the same.

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