Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Trash Talkiest Episode of The Bachelor EVER

So we spent last night's travesty in BB's hometown of Sonoma. Remember, he makes wine.

Mmmm. Wine.
Though the episode was an excellent travelogue for California wine country, it did not restore one's faith in the human condition. My own rose ceremony would go something like this:

The Vienna Memorial Intense First-Date Bonding Rose: Kacie B. On their one-on-one, she and BB watched old home movies in a rented out theatre.

Minutes before she breaks out a baton and starts twirling it. You can't make this shit up.

As we all know (because the show reminds us every 10 seconds) BB's father died, which made him vulnerable or closed-off. Can't remember which. Anyway, seeing his dad on screen made BB tear up (normal) and Kacie sob (ab). He gave her the rose (though said the line "Will you accept this rose" like it was the most ridiculous sentence he had ever uttered--more points for BB!), but I can't help but remember the way Bachelor Jake-the-Once-Noble-Now-Skeezy fell for Vienna after she talked him through bunjee jumping on their first date. We all know how that worked out.

 The Worst Reference to Oprah-Speak Rose: Courtneythemodel. Courtneythemodel has dated "actors . . . and photographers" she'll have you know, but shared an "Aha Moment" with BB on their date.

Aha! You're a moron.

I'm concerned with how twitterpated BB is with this woman. She is basically incapable of abstract thought, and her conversation is almost entirely comprised of repeating random words from his previous sentences. He deems her "too good to be true." I weep into my wine glass. Speaking of weeping . . .

The Emotionally Unstable Rose: For the second week in a row . . . . Jenna the Blogger! During the cocktail party, her time with BB included the most awkward conversation in recent Bachelor memory, topped off by her spewing out, Terrett's-like, that she is "not a girl." BB catapulted himself off the outdoor bench and Jenna went to cry in her bed.

Pictured: an emotional self-immolation in real time.

This did lead to the night's most hilarious sequence, in which BB went upstairs to find Blakeley huddled in a corner of the luggage room crying, and then on his way back from consoling her, found Jenna crying in bed. I hope he's got Scotch on an IV-drip in his house. And why was Blakeley taking a position usually recommended for those protecting themselves from thermonuclear war? Because she was awarded . . .

The Blood in the Water Rose: Every season, bachelors and bachelorettes alike turn on one contestant and mercilessly rip them to shreds. This season, it's Blakeley. Here is a partial catalogue of names she was called during the episode: bitch, slut, hooker, stage-5 clinger, ridiculously full of shit, cougar (I do not think that means what they think it means), desperate, easy, "Fakeley" (points for wordplay), and she was accused of trying to "[expletive deleted] her way into Ben's heart."

She did do this. Wearing this.

In a surprise to no one Blakeley is also the recipient of the Of Course She Got a Rose Rose.

Probably because she did that. Wearing that.

So Jenna the Weeper and a random blonde were sent home. Quote of the night goes to Lindzi, who trying to bond with BB over a similar life in the country, revealed that "dirt is my normal make-up." I'm not even sure what that means. Next week, looks like the Granddaughter goes home early, and an old girlfriend of BB steps into her spiky shoes! Drama, of course, follows! In memory of Jenna, here's a selection of her most emotionally distraught faces:

Jenna, we hardly knew ye. Well, actually, we got a pretty good sense.

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