Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Bachelor Ben, I Disavow You

So it's the week before the hometown dates, and BB and his bevy of brainiacs have descended on Belize to spew their particular brand of boo-shit. Feeling depressed that you're not dating anyone this Valentine's Day? I've got your antidote right here.

It could be so much worse.
The Too Cheesy for Nicolas Sparks Rose: Lindzi and BB. Their one-on-one included the "not a sexual euphemism" activity of diving into the Blue Hole,

See? Totally vanilla.

and finished up with a dinner in which they wrote a painfully squirm-inducing "fairy tale" account of how they met and sealed it up in a bottle.

The I Don't Hate You So You're Doomed Rose: "Ph.D student" Emily. She acted like a normal person on her one-on-one with BB. They went shopping and lassoed lobsters and she seemed funny and nice and only mentioned Courtneythemodel once.

Oh, you're having a mature and mutually enjoyable conversation? Pack your bags, Carolina.

The Hallucinogens and/or the Coming Apocalypse are the Only Explanation Rose: So Courtneythemodel managed to bitch and moan her way into the third one-on-one date. They climbed to the top of a temple, and I can only assume that BB ingested some sort of Mayan mescaline or was brainjacked by the spirit of a priest wishing to warn us of the end of the world was nigh. She said she didn't like him anymore. He loved it. She said she didn't want him to meet her family. He smiled like a goofball. She said that she hated everyone and has no girlfriends. He made out with her enthusiastically. These responses, plus his semi-cosmic vision at the temple's summit of his "past, present, and future" with Courtneythemodel, that featured a guest spot from his dead dad, confirms that BB has either been drugged, possessed, or is deeply, deeply stupid.

I mean, she's pretty, but not that pretty, right? I feel like I'm insane!

The Ready for her Quentin Tarantino Role Rose: Kacie (who, now that Kasey S. has sobbed her way off the show, can lose the "B" as far as I'm concerned). She has a violent side and is about ready to unload it all over Courtneythemodel. You don't want to wake this dragon, y'all. She called her a "[bleeping] bitch", expressed her desire to "spring across the room and punch her in the face", and graphically demonstrated with her hands what she would like to do to the black widow spider that is Courtneythemodel. [Hint: Smush.]

It made me forgive her for this ridiculous "arrow through the head" flower situation.

Kacie, you speak for the nation. All our hopes lie with you.

After tossing Rachel and Emily like human chum into the shark-infested waters of Belize, next week BB heads off to Clarksville, TN (holla!), Scottsdale, AZ, Ocala, FL, and Hurst, TX, to see from whence these women were spawned. I guess the only good news is that we'll be able to ascertain if Courtneythemodel indeed derives from human parentage, or is in fact a fembot gone rogue.

No comments:

Post a Comment