Tuesday, February 7, 2012

A Man, A Plan, A Canal, and a Bunch of Idiots: The Bachelor in Panama

Bachelor Ben and his brain trust did Panama City last night, marveling at how "developed" it was, and wishing to do something "cultural," which turned out to be visiting a village in the rain forest, dressing in native garb, and painting tribal tattoos on each other.

And of course, there was alcohol.

 Can't make this shit up. My supplementary rose ceremony follows:

The I'd Prefer Wilson the Volleyball Rose: Kacie B. She and BB spent their one-on-one date "abandoned" on a "deserted island." Let me assure you, after watching them try to catch a fish and wrangle a coconut, these two wouldn't last forty-five minutes in the wild.

Apparently it's a deserted island with complementary champagne and flutes.

The highlight? The way BB pronounced machete: "ma-CHET-tay." After a bunch of tortuous metaphors about how you have to "work together" and "be there for each other" in a relationship, he gave KB a rose because she opened up to him about her eating disorder in high school.

The This Ain't Mardi Gras Rose: Though if it were, BB would have given Courtneythemodel his beads. At the aforementioned village, Courtneythemodel decided she would forego wearing a bathing suit under her beaded top, necessitating a pretty hilarious black bar over her bosom for the entirety of the group date. She also insisted on shaking her stuff at every opportunity, rendering last week's comment about Blakeley a bit of the skank calling the stripper slutty.

Though he spent most of the night looking at Courtneythemodel like a cartoon character

Except with less dignity than this.

the rose went to Lindzi. No one is sure why.

The Dancing with the Bitches Rose: The unfortunately named "two-on-one date" happened this weekend. In this corner: Manic Blakeley and the stalker scrapbook she has been constructing for BB.

Oh yes she did.

In this corner, Rachel, red in tooth and claw.

It was painful.

After a salsa lesson and dinner fraught with backstabbing, BB sent Blakeley and her craft project home. She sobbed. Rachel pulled her best Courtneythemodel imitation and danced on her rival's grave.

Still the Baddest Ass on this Show Rose: Chris Harrison, who uncovered a commitment-phobe in Kasey S.'s closet. Turns out she's still in love with some dude named Michael who's just not that into her. BB sent her back to the States, and she wailed in the limo, mainly about how Michael still didn't want to marry her.

She cried.

And cried.

And CRIED. Harrison remained unmoved.

The Most Improved Rose: "PhD student" Emily, who made a minor funny during the cocktail party, and managed to only splutter out 2-3 sentences about Courtneythemodel.

Though her rap was lame, she did rhyme "jungle" with "fungal," which I appreciated.

The Get the Hook Rose: In what was quite possibly the most awkward encounter of the season so far, Jamie ripped her dress straddling BB,

Probably want to leave that move to Blakeley.

kissed him (for the first time), deemed their kiss a failure, and proceeded to give him step-by-step instructions on how to kiss her again, while she was kissing him.

She is explaining open vs. closed mouth technique. It was excruciating.

 In a surprise to no one, she went home.

Next week: Belize. And dare I even hope it? It seems Courtneythemodel's stock might be dropping faster than she drops her clothes.

1 comment:

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