Monday, March 12, 2012

The Bachelor Finale: I'm live blogging this bad boy blow by blow

His fondness for wine is now the only remotely likable thing about him.

I've got my bottle of Pinot open, my cupcakes plated, and my TV tuned to my favorite guilty pleasure show. It's the season finale of The Bachelor--let's get this floppy-haired bastard engaged.

All times are Mountain Standard. All cynical snark comes from yours truly.

7:00-It's a "dramatic" season finale. We'll see about that. Lindzi (L) and CourtneytheModel (CtM) are both desperately in love with Bachelor Ben (BB). L is vulnerable, CtM is happy, BB is clueless.

7:01-CtM speaks of herself in the third person. Because she needed another characteristic that was intolerable.

7:01-"The most controversial finale in Bachelor history" claims Chris Harrison. I am skeptical. "Controversial" is not a synonym for "nauseating."

7:02-BB makes the first metaphorical connection between the mountains of Switzerland and the "monumental" nature of his decision. I throw up in my mouth a little.

7:02-BB needs more time with L, has concerns and doubts about CtM. They are all overridden by her willingness to get naked.

7:02-David Grey's "This Year's Love" plays. The song is forever cheapened. I take a drink to make the pain go away.

7:03-BB's mom and sister show up. BB cries, and seems to assume they will make this decision for them. I hope they toss CtM right out of the chalet and she tumbles down the Matterhorn.

7:04-The phrase "love journey" is used for the first time. I take a drink.

7:06-BB's sister warns him off CtM without even meeting her. Again, the Bachelor/ette sibling theorem holds up. I take a drink.

7:07-The weakest segue in history takes us from The Bachelor to The Avengers. God, this movie looks good. Why can't Robert Downey Jr. be The Bachelor in my own personal guilty pleasure show?

7:09-L has brought some sort of be-ribboned box to present to BB's family. Is it chocolates? That's odd.

7:11-L repeatedly drops her flatware in her lap. She's acting like a total spaz at lunch--a lunch at which everyone is drinking, needless to say.

7:14-BB's sister is totally prompting L to dish on CtM. And she is complying. CtM doesn't "sit well" with BB's sister. Much like a rancid shrimp scampi. BB's sister and mom seem unreservedly Team L. Though "great" is sort of damning her with faint praise. And we never learn what is in the be-ribboned box!

7:17:- BB's sister basically barfs on camera at the knowledge that CtM is a "model."

7:23-BB is wearing a sweater that makes him look like Dr. Zaius for the meeting with CtM. She's bringing an inexpertly wrapped bag of something for BB's family, and asks him if he "likes her." I basically barf on my sofa.

7:26-CtM says the girls were "judgy" of her. BB's sister's eyes bug out of her head. CtM lies like a snake for the rest of her conversation with BB's sister, and tries to make herself be the victim. Her performance convinces neither BB's sister, nor me.

7:29-BB's mom is unmoved by CtM's proclamation that BB is "Smart! And funny! And so smart too!"

7:30-WTF??? BB's sister and mom now love CtM. Is she a cylon? Were there drugs and money in that bag?

7:37-BB's sister picks CtM as her favorite, and BB's mom invokes the spirit of BB's dead dad to endorse CtM. I now feel like I'm insane, and am eating raw cookie dough.

7:40-Seeing Titanic in 3D now seems like a more pleasant experience than watching the rest of this show.

7:45-BB & L go skiing for their last-date-before-the-proposal date. Their gondola stalls halfway up the mountain, providing the show's most accurate metaphor to date for their relationship.

7:54-If L says "vulnerable" one more time, I'm going to set fire to my television set.

7:57-I'm so bored by L's "I love you" speech, *I'm* halfway rooting for CtM at this point.

8:06-There's a helicopter on BB's date with CtM. Of goddamn course.

8:08-CtM says she'll "keep" BB as he cooks something on some sort of crude alpine grill, and then uses the word "journey."

8:10-They're making effing snow angels. I sort of hate myself right now.

8:17-CtM has constructed some sort of horrifying scrapbook, not unlike Blakeley's stalker journal. Of course, BB is totally into it. It includes a "love letter from my heart to yours," which invokes the unholy "love journey." My Pinot is tapped. Where's the bloody brandy?

8:26-Could I BE more excited about Dancing with the Stars? It's making this show look like The freaking Wire.

8:30-Where's the creepy diamond merchant?

8:31-Speak of the devil, there's Neil Lane with his godless wares. I sort of like him better now that he's mocking BB for this being the SECOND ring he's picked out for the show.

8:32-BB picked a gaudy, ostentatious, and too-flashy ring. Any guess who it's intended for?

8:33-I just wrote three words that mean the same thing. The Bachelor is now actively making me stupider.

8:36-Dueling choppers are bringing the two contenders to BB's mountaintop proposal site. There couldn't be less drama in this moment. Why do I watch this show?

8:40-As the helicopter bearing the Loser arrives, it becomes immediately apparent that BB hasn't shaved today. Typical.

8:42-Sorry LINDZI. You're OUT.

8:42-Chris Harrison's "Good luck" to L is so bittersweet. And HILARIOUS.

8:43-STOP TALKING, LINDZI. This is just getting worse and worse. "How are you feeling," BB? Feeling like you're about to DUMP SOMEBODY.

8:44-Oh, she knows. The sigh tells all.

8:44-BB is in love with someone else. Oh, the awkward silence as BB walks L "out." I guess he's going to toss her over the mountainside?

8:46-This was an opportune time to revisit the "Welcome to Dumpsville, Population: You" line.

8:46-"If things don't work out, call me"??? For real? "Call me"????? GOD.

8:47-There goes L on the Heli-dumpter. BB is "confused" and "unsure of how this is going to end." Just how you want to feel before you PROPOSE MARRIAGE.

8:52-The Bachelorette, coming in May. I am powerless to resist it, even after this shitshow.

8:53-CtM deems herself "Vulnerable"! Drink! I'm out of alcohol.

8:54-CtM looks like a drag queen going to the opera. I mean, the gloves?

8:55-Is she going to take off the gloves to put on that nasty ring?

8:56-"Journey"! Drink. I'm on Kahlua at this point.

8:57-Bitch, Belize.

8:57-I can't believe this is happening.

8:57-"You are my forever." That is really sweet. CtM bursts out laughing. Because that's appropriate.

8:58-He's on one effing knee. She accepts. I hate everything about this show and what it represents.

8:59- "Oh my Dad." If it weren't so upsetting, it would be remarkably pathetic. And the ROSE. Gross! It's a fairy tale. Like the really disturbing fairy tales.

9:00-Welcome to Hell, BB.

After the Rose--The moment has been soiled? Tears have been shed? Maybe BB and his wine empire are still salvageable. I'm going to find some more adult beverages and hope for the best (i.e., CtM gets dumped.) I'll check in with my guilty pleasure peeps soon . . . And if nothing else, we can all still trust in Derek the Dancing Mormon.

Oh, snap. He broke off the engagement. Though I fear he's going to ask her again on the show. Yes--I am confident this isn't going to be a truly awesome moment, like when Jason pulled the old switcheroo and dumped Melissa for runner-up Molly. Eff it. I'm going to bed. I'll see you back in the judgment-free zone for Dancing with the Stars this month, and The Bachelorette in May. Thanks for taking this love journey with me! Drink!

The "happy" "couple."

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